Lies My Mother Told Me...

SAY IT AINT SO....

2009-03-29T13:20:00.002-04:00

Have I abandoned my blog, my dreams, my wishes.
Definitely not.
I still read my bloglines daily and am fully up-to-date on everyone else's live's.

When all I keep doing is postponing life's plans how can that possibly be inspiring materials for a blogsite? and of course attacks from anonymous posters who try to help point out the obvious when it is not their lives....

So where am I? B* is back from downunder. He has been back since December and so after 2 years of uber long distance there is a readjustment. We are through the readjustment and now into the regular relationship mish-mash.

We are in a recession/depression and B* came back with no locked down form of income. He has spent the last 4 months lining things up which should come to fruition soon - although until you can fold it and put it in your back pocket you don't have it. His new gig will require some back and forth travel but also net lots of money.

He is scheduled to travel the end of April.

I have told him that when he comes back in May from his first big outing that is when I want to begin my baby pursuits. No time will ever be the right time, for him or for me - I know this intellectually and yet it is still hard to pull the trigger.

I have a credit line of $30k that I have access to at a very low interest rate so DE is possible, but my fantasy is to not have to crawl deeper into debt like everyone else and their brother.

So beyond my money fear, is the energy fear. I will be forty five next month (forty fucking five!) and I no longer have the superhuman strength of a 30 year old. Can an infant be raised by a full time 45 year working woman? Will I still have time to do my hair and makeup every morning before shooting off to the office? will i be in a perpetual coma of exhaustion incapable of coherent thoughts or speech?

Am I still waiting?

baby shark has no father

2008-10-10T13:21:00.004-04:00

LOVE IT!

DNA test proves it -- baby shark has no father

Crazy or Not....

2008-09-28T09:54:00.003-04:00

Crazy or not, B* arrives tomorrow for a two week visit. The "Plan" (and there have been many) is that he will be back permanently by the end of the year.

My game plan:

1. Gauge reaction to an early 2009 DE cycle.

2. Get $10k raise by end of 2008 (must, must, must happen!) - my review is tomorrow and this is where I plan to plant the seed. Increases will be known by November and take place in January - Universities are slow, by my lovely private institution is slightly recession proof (so yeah!)

3. Begin clinic inquiries

Where will DE cycle happen?

TBD

With him: Local uber expensive clinic

Without him: some place cheaper

In other news: I have been swimming 2-3 times a week and am feeling quite fit, moreso that probably the last 5 years (plus). I am also down another 5 lbs which brings the grant weight loss total to 20lbs - and am now at my same weight from 10 years ago and fitting into size 4 (on the bottom) which feels like a major league accomplishment.

Onward and upward!!!!!

Anonymous - Side Swipe Part 2 - Signed, "Harsh and Awful"

2008-09-22T20:00:00.004-04:00

For the record I have never said that I disagree with Anonymous, but her tactics leave some thing to be desired. Would love to get her "story...."

I will let her speak for herself:

anonymous said...

C'mon Jade, WTF does my identity matter, really? We're both anonymous in this vast blogosphere. And how will that change the truths I've written one iota?

As for this comment you made in your last post: "That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant. Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about?"

Yes, that was what your last post was about. But Jade, that's what ALL of your posts have been about. The only thing that changes is time - it's the September 2008 post vs. pick-whatever-post-in-2006-or-2007. Go look - same post today as any month last year or the year before that! You're lamenting over B* and this sad excuse for a relationship when, instead, you should be FURIOUS WITH YOURSELF that you're on the same subject 2 years later and the needle hasn't moved even a millimeter!

You have allowed B* to make your life into the movie Groundhog Day. But you're not just trashing years from your life, you're trashing the ONLY remaining years you have to start a family and make your life what YOU want. That's pretty critical stuff - FAR too important to hand over to some loser who's too cowardly to own his truth.

I'm harsh - yeah, I get that, really. Sadly, I get that's the perception. But what's more troubling than my "harshness" is how we women sabotage one another under the guise of "friendship" and "kindness." We are so used to supporting our girlfriends that we end up enabling them in destructive ways through decades of "understanding." Then we tell our other girlfriends how "she's in so much denial, wasting her life away." Is that TRULY a friend? I say no. The TRUE friend says "yes, leave that jerk and stop wasting your life 'cause time is almost up – your fertility isn't going to be there in 5 years." But most women reading that comment would call that friend a harsh jerk and prefer the girlfriend who said "Oh, I understand – it's hard; give him a chance, he'll come around, he loves you." The "good" friend is the one who helps you feed into the beast of denial and waste more precious years. The "bad" friend tells it honestly. What pathetic irony!

Ultimately, it is YOU who said you've spent "so much time" in "life's waiting room." Haven't you had enough? Isn't it time for YOU to do for YOU? And don't go run and threaten B* that you're moving forward without him – it hasn't worked yet, and you've ended up looking weak and foolish. Just zip your mouth, dust yourself off and MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN RE ASAP and get going. Just go do for YOU!

Signed, Harsh and Awful.

PS: No need to worry, no more "hit and run" comments from me. From now on you'll get only dozens of "hang in there, we support you" words of encouragement and you'll be happy. Again, I just hope you're on a donor egg cycle this Christmas, however YOU have to make it happen for YOU!

7:04 PM

Anonymous - hit and run

2008-09-21T18:52:00.003-04:00

Being a free speech person, I realize I am putting myself out in the universe for everyone's perusal. I could screen or limit the comments but how interesting would that be? It is not surprising that in the blogosphere there are going to be those who want to speak their mind without owning their thoughts - which is crazy when you think about it. My name isn't really Jade - but I am Jaded, and happy to own my online identity.

Why do I raise this you may wonder? well my last post garnered one of those lovely anonymous responses - someone airing their views and blasting me out for being in denial about B* and his true intentions. That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant. Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about?

The post was searing, and I read it last night on my blackberry as I was driving to a party and I ended up taking a wrong turn and making an extremely illegal U-turn.

Anyway, as harsh as it was, it did serve as a kick in the butt and for that I am grateful. I just think that it would have felt less punishing had the person actually revealed their own identity. But so it goes....

Despite rumors of my demise ...I am still here

2008-09-19T13:39:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted since June. I guess I think of this as my fertility blog, and when I am not in active motion, there is nothing to report, update or ponder.

I am not in active motion, I am at a dead stand still. B* is not back from Down Under, although he is now suggesting that he will be back for good by the end of 2008.

Given the economy, his paranoia about expenditures is very high and this may seem like an obvious statement for those of you who have been playing along on this blog, but I think that best case he is ambivalent.

So what about me, when I ponder this course of pursuing DE by myself I become terrified, others do it but Christ every day I am one day older and I feel it! my financials are a little better but still in the crapper, etcetera, etcetera.

But then I think what is life all about? Maybe I should be hunting for a different man and worrying about the baby later (since the fertility clock kicked the can 2 years ago). But I worry that I will be too old to keep up with a munchkin if I postpone much longer.

Then I started thinking that if I do this on my own, I could pursue embryo adoption which would cost a lot less.

Everyone is falling pregnant in infertile blog world, and my eyes are like laser beams on pregnant bellies all day long at work, the gym, shopping, everywhere a pregnant belly!

I am a sea of confusion and would welcome any illumination, if any one out there is still listening....

My Back ....what a pain.. Ankylosing Spondylitis (say what?)

2008-06-18T21:02:00.005-04:00

So for the last year I have been dealing with back pain, which totally sucks and makes me worried that in addition to menopause, I am really not physically up to carrying another person around for 9 months or an infant, or a toddler. I often think I am on that slippery slope to crippleville.

When I was 29 - oh so many many moons ago, I developed some very bad back issues and at first attributed it to the fact that I did high impact aerobics 6 days a week (remember the early 90s?). But after seeing three doctors it was determined that I might have this genetic pre-disposition to this specific kind of arthritis, but the x-rays were inconclusive. They gave me the right drugs, I got better, and I was back in step aerobics a few weeks later.

So smooth sailing (for the most part) until last year - at first I thought it was from gardening, or maybe yoga class but 12 months later and desperate I went to the rheumatoligist. I had the MRI where you sit in the big giant tube for 30 minutes of deafening clicks and vibration and low and behold yes, the dreaded genetically transmitted arthritis - and now there is evidence in my sacrum joints (not too much damage thank goodness) but it was there on the MRI.

What does this mean, it is all about inflammation management and exercise to maintain flexibility. The worst case is that my vertebrae fuse and my spine becomes rigid. But they have lots of special drugs now to prevent this from happening - including these new biologics called TNF - but I'm not there yet.

The rheumatologist suggested that I do some reading on the Internet about AnkylosingSpondylitis and so I did. And I am glad I did. Because buried near the end of the piece I printed out was a section on pregnancy. It said, "Do not deny yourself pregnancy" - or at least that's how I remember it. And so I will not.

Less Self Pity

2008-06-02T21:08:00.003-04:00

I am getting very tedious with all this self pity. I need to resolve to trade in the self pity for positive affirmations.

Now let me think....

B* is coming back
I am getting a promotion (soon)
I made my jenny craig goal weight at the end of December (4 months) and have maintained it (5 months)
I've recently joined a few social networking sites and am having fun reconnecting with people I haven't seen or spoken to in 26 years - (that is a long time!)
I'm reading Embryo Culture and enjoying it (i feel like I am reading the diary of someone I know - more on that later)
My baby boy is ready for intermediate dog agility (he is so cute!)

OK, how did I do?

Land of the Rat Terriers

2008-06-01T09:11:00.004-04:00

I have 4 dogs. They keep me very busy and entertained. I love them all for their different personalities and the relationships they have with each other.

Bozo, who is the athletic one, has now made it to intermediate level agility. We have been working/training for over a year and soon he will be ready to start competing (3 more months!). I am very proud of my baby boy.

Birthday Shmirthday

2008-06-01T08:45:00.002-04:00

I celebrated my birthday last week. Actually, I don't think it is completely accurate to say "celebrated" maybe the word "mourned" is a better classification.

I don't know why, but I am completely obsessed with the notion of getting old. If I had a baby would this feeling stop? would this be the higher purpose that makes all the narcissistic angst vanish? I suspect that I do in fact harbor this fantasy that life will feel less finite with the birth of a child.

Nonetheless, the aging obsession has several data points,
1. pre-mature menopause (check)
2. severe lower back pain that has been with me for over a year (check)
3. this new flabbiness on the side of my breast that I find myself tucking into my underwire bra (check)
4. fatigue that no amount of coffee can seem to cure (check)
5. walking into a store at the montgomery mall called Vintage 1981 and being completely confused (check)

Ameri*can Idol - My Theory

2008-05-22T13:34:00.003-04:00

I am glad David Cook won. The other David aka "little kid" may be a great crooner but he was severely lacking in the personality department. Cook has an incredible likeability factor and I think he will do well.

Okay, so here is my theory. The final night of competition after Cook sang his last song, remember when Simon said he thought it was the wrong choice for the final show. Cook said it was about progression and he didn't agree. Camera cuts to Simon looking at Cook - and he WINKS.

I think, that because Simon was hard on Cook, viewers felt the need to vote for Cook, because Simon's harsh words put Cook in jeopardy of losing. In fact, Simon understands how all of this works (remember the week he was nice to Carly she lost?) and the wink was letting Cook know I am with you all the way, trust me.

Further proof, Simon apologized to Cook just before the results were read, saying that when he re-watched the performances he realized it was not a knock out.

Sex and th*e City - NOSTALGIA

2008-05-20T19:07:00.002-04:00

Sex and the C*ity was my show all the way. I was 34 when it first aired and although bigger than life, it was my life in many ways. My single gal pals and I would toast the new season with Sour Apple Martinis glued to the screen.

I remember the new season first episode in season 4 maybe? I think, it was Carrie's birthday and no one shows up at the restaurant and she goes home glum as can be ruminating over all her issues. But of course in the end, her friends come to her rescue and another page is turned in the life of Carrie Bradshaw.

So here I am 10 years later, turning 4-4- next week and still ruminating over all my issues. I thought I would leave that behind in my 30's - that's what they are there for! But no, now I am having decade #2 of all the same issues - married, not married, baby, no baby, having it all, not having it all, oh and now unlike the first time around throw in Menopause and clearly visible signs of aging.

I have some trepidation about going to see the Sex and the City movie, will my life measure up to theirs? have they evolved while I have not...I signed up for a sweepstakes to win free tickets to a special preview showing that is scheduled to take place on my goddamn birthday. And now it is up to the fates to decide if this is what I do on my 44th.

My favorite line from the Carrie birthday episode, "Fuck, I'm old,"

To Be or Not to B*

2008-05-20T16:19:00.003-04:00

on our 630 a.m. call this morning (remember it's 8 p.m. australia time) B* pronounced that he felt done in Australia and that he was ready to come back. they always come back in the end don't they?

so i'm a mix here of glee and dread. when i don't want to listen i just hang up or don't answer the phone. I eat what I want and watch all the trash tv that any sane human could possibly stand. I don't know how anxious he will to be to get going on the baby stuff and yet time is marching on - we both can almost legitmately rely on the I'm too old to have kids excuse.

So I think his return will be a mixed bag. But I have spent so much time in the waiting room (life's waiting room) that resolution atleast means forward movement in some direction or another. It's a start.

And next week I turn 44 - what an awfully big number. More on that soon.

My Alec Obsession

2008-05-15T11:49:00.005-04:00

I have an Alec obsession. He is my archetype of the attractive Male. I can't explain it, it just is so. I have had this crush on Alec Baldwin since I was in my twenties.

When I was in my early thirties I actually had the opportunity to get to know and work with him (he was newly married to Kim at the time and hoping to start a family). He was on the board of the organization I was working for at the time. My colleagues forbade me from talking about Alec I had become so obsessed. He would call me on the weekends to ask me questions and discuss politics. I was living a dream. Eventually I moved on to another job and my connection to Alec began to fade. I saw him again about a year after I left my job, he came up to me, "J- how are you," big kiss. I lapped it up. (embedded video)

I still have my Alec dreams. And in my dreams he is a complete rake, luring me in and then pushing me away - I wonder if this isn't part of my romantic archetype as well. When it was announced that he was getting divorced, I have to say my heart did flutter.

And yes, he is older now and has beefed up in the past few years, but for me it doesn't seem to matter. I am getting older too and he is still my crush.

Choice: the excercising of Free Will

2008-05-12T16:15:00.002-04:00

I am working with a coach at work on my management style and she left the door open that she was available to help me with my personal goals as well as professional. I figure why not, the office is paying for it and they want me to see her until the end of August.

So I told her the boyfriend in Australia and I want to have a baby story - the abridged version. She recommended two readings, the first an excerpt from her book on divorce about "Choice" and the second a book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It's very new agey/western tradition/self actualization stuff but it is providing me with an additional perspective on my life and how I got to where I am at this moment in time.

The issue with Choice, and this is the point of all of this rambling, is that once you choose then the path will be clear. I have to choose to have a baby and then all my actions will point me in that direction. In many ways I have not chosen because I have not acted. Same thing with my relationship (notice she gave me a chapter in her book on divorce to read as I think about my relationship). I can choose not to be with him but I need to truly own it. I'm still feeling murky here even though everyone else seems to be shouting at me about this.

Then Sh*e Found ME

2008-05-11T08:50:00.006-04:00

Then Sh*e Found ME is an interesting movie. It wraps in so many of the TTC, relationship and Motherhood issues that made me want to just inhale deeply, take it all in, and then process after I left the theater.

Helen Hunt wrote the screen adaptation and plays the lead. I admire her courage to take on this subject and to be one of the rare Hollywood starlets not to aggressively go under the knife to conceal the aging process. Bette Midler on the other hand, is starting to look like a claymation character.

Back to the movie, Then Sh*e Found ME is about a woman on the precipice of 40, dealing with relationships, the desire to have a baby and what to do with the Mother who put you up for adoption who suddenly shows up after all these years.

What is stirs in me: the hunger for a child even though the relationship does not appear to be properly in place (no white picket fence) and what will it mean if I go the donor route and the absence of a genetic connection.

An interesting film choice for Mother's day if you are feeling intellectually entrepeneurial.

I'm Back.....

2008-05-11T08:43:00.002-04:00

I'm back, or at least trying to be back as an active blogger. I never really "left," I have been lurking the whole time, just too forlorn to post. Not enough to say, too much to say, tired of saying the same thing and yet never making any progress.

But now I am resolved to be back. I may be that tree falling in the forest that no one hears but I am back anyways.

My Grandma

2008-02-16T08:57:00.004-05:00

My Grandma is dying. She had a massive stroke a few weeks ago and has been in decline since then. She is on morphine for the pain, and the feeding tube was removed yesterday. I'm welling up just writing these words.

She turned 93 last month, so I console myself with the fact that she has had a long life. Filled with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, loving husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She has seen it all. But I will miss her.

I try to trick myself into thinking that in most ways she is already gone because she has not really been conscious since her stroke 3 weeks ago. I went to see her in the hospital and it was sad, scary and grim. I knew when I looked into her face that what I saw was a person who was dying, barely the grandma that I use to cuddle in bed with when I was small.

I know I am lucky. I had a grandma for 43 years which is a long, long time. I always like to think that the grandchild role is a special one. I was the first grandaughter.

My Mother, who is insane, is making this all about her which is creating an unwelcomed distraction. I am dreading having to deal with her over the next few weeks.

I regret not being able to give my grandma another great grandchild. I also feel guilty knowing that the genetic connection ends with me. I will not be passing along the long line that my grandma represented.

The picture up above was taken when my grandmother was thirteen, full of promise and life. I like this image, it is one of hope and optimism.

The day before her stroke she went to the beauty parlor (for the last time). It was a great pleasure that she never gave up on. Her white hair was cut and fluffed and her nails freshly manicured in pearlized baby pink.

This picture was taken infront of her apartment building, the building she lived in until the day she went to the hospital 3 weeks ago. She moved in when the building opened in 1942.

It gives me great comfort to know that she still cared to look her best. At 93 she still managed to put on her lipstick and draw on her eyebrows before she went out in public.

This is the grandma I will always remember.

menopause - the gift that keeps on giving

2008-01-04T12:13:00.001-05:00

Menopause is the gift that keeps on giving. I just got a call from my doctor's office that my cholesterol has shot throught the roof and I have to go on medication to bring it down.

4 years ago I had great cholesterol and now I am suddenly high risk - and 100 points higher.

I thought that losing 15lbs (yea!) would help bring my number down, but clearly menopause trumps weight loss.

Junoverse

2008-01-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

I joined the Junoverse this weekend - and so should you. I don't want to ruin the movie so I won't provide any personal commentary on the characters, but it is an interesting movie for infertiles.

Click here for a peak at the Junoverse

Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception

2008-01-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception

Ok, I am a little behind given that this article came out last month. I discovered this article while receiving a yummy pedicure at my favorite Vietnamese nail place.

Given that I have not ovulated in 17 months I assume I am a lost cause and no diet is going to resurrect what damaged DNA I may have left.

Xmas Holiday - Best wishes to all...

2007-12-25T09:49:00.000-05:00

I was feeling bitter yesterday, less so now...maybe I feel better because it is sunny and clear and my usual aches and pains have subsided.

I always associate the holidays with family time and it makes my longing for my own family all the greater. Yesterday at the market all the carts were in use except for the ones with the baby carriers - and it struck me, here I am again, pushing a grocery cart with an empty baby carrier. I stuck my fire logs in the baby carrier so it would seem less empty as I made my way through the aisles and last minute shopping hysteria.

B* is not here, and not sure if he is going to visit from Australia at all in between semesters. He thinks we need to economize - a hard point to argue against. He is obsessed with the collapsing economy - I get a daily 6:30 a.m. flash report on the status of the US economy, why the labor department statistics are wrong, whose bailing out who, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I suspect that he is, underneath it all, afraid of the commitment to me, a future family, the mortgage....and so I wait. Foolish perhaps.

In my heart of hearts I know that I will have a baby in 2008. Either DE or ED (embryo donation) - kind of cool how the letters reverse - an appropriate symmetry. ED is an intriguing option, basically the cost of an FET and something to consider. I have not yet broached the topic of ED with B* - not sure how he will respond.

I am so proud of all my fellow blogofiles who have worked so hard in 2007 to build their families. And I have all my fingers and toes crossed for Callie during her 2ww

This is not a new year's post, but I think that we should all resolve to make 2008 the year of family creation.

I am up for a (small) promotion at work and have my fingers crossed that the financial bump up will put me in a better position to move forward.

I have now shed a total of 14 lbs courtesy of Jenny Craig and am working hard to get in shape - abdominals and all. I feel much better about my body, better than I have felt in probably 6 or 7 years - it has become much more fun getting dressed, and dressed up.

So today is a day of reflection. I am going to light a fire, organize my bills (blech), knit, take the dogs for a long walk and take deep long breathes.

(that's my GM on the right - her birthday is in 2 weeks - she will be 93!)

Babes in Blogland - I am not alone

2007-12-20T16:35:00.001-05:00

Here I am in business attire on a recent trip to Korea.

After not blogging for nearly 2 months I figured that I had been left in the dust.

In a moment of utter anxiety and pain I posted and voila - the Babes of Blogland were at my side as if no time at all had passed since my last communique. It is a really nice feeling to know that I am not alone - it makes a huge difference.

It was a real slap upside the head to discover that the DE Coordinator, who knows my whole life story, is no longer working in my RE's office.

Upon reflection this cuts both ways - I don't have to make any excuses for why it is taking so long, I can just start fresh with a new DE coordinator and not fill in all the back story.

I do want to investigate donor embryo a bit more - it is starting to feel like a serious option.

Thanks again to all the wonderful, brave women out there who give me hope and strength.

Mail Delivery Subsystem

2007-12-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

Dear DE coordinator at My RE's office:

- It's me Jade, the forever in-waiting mode patient. I said I would contact you towards the end of the year to discuss next steps.

Without boring you with too many details - I do not think that B* is as serious about this as I am - and financially I really can't swing donor egg on my own. So I am at a crossroads.

Option 1 - Wait until B* is back in the US (probably May) and then see if he will come around.

Option 2 -Proceed without him one way or the other.

So if I go with Option 2 - I am wondering if I should be considering embryo adoption. Here are my questions:

Does My RE's office do embryo adoption?
As a single, 43 year old female, will I be an unattractive candidate?
What are the costs involved?
What would be the next steps?

I wish my outlook for donor egg was brighter - but why do donor egg, if the sperm is not coming from your designated partner. Please email me back any info you have and let's try to connect if you are in town during the next few days. My phone: xxxx (cell)

Thanks, Jade

Reply:
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem [MAILER-DAEMON@aol.com]

To: Jade

Subject: User Unknown

very bad, very bad indeed. Even the DE coordinator has moved on with her life.

plugging plugging plugging

2007-10-16T11:57:00.000-04:00

I'm doing lots of hard work over here and I hope there will be a pay off.

I have now lost nearly 10 lbs (less than 1/2 lb to go to the 10 lb mark) and so the clothes are fitting better and I can actually wear a belt and not feel like I have a pooch. My goal was to lose 12 lbs but I am tempted to add 5 lbs to the goal so I have more of a cushion for baby weight gain.

I have to say this Jenny Craig diet really works - my biggest challenge is at night when I love to nosh non-stop. I've replaced all my evil snacks with carrots sticks and jello-free zero calorie.

My back is feeling a lot better which also helps - I feel more energized and able to complete tasks.

I am also ramping up the Pilates which can only help.

And, I sold a house so I get commission (which only gets applied to debt relief).

Little by little, step by step, progress....

Silver Lining Part 3

2007-10-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

A few updates:

3 weeks on Jenny Craig and I am now 5 pounds lighter - clothes are fitting better - 7 pounds until I reach my ultimate goal.

B* is coming home in December and it looks like he will be teaching in Pittsburgh and commuting from DC (3 hours). This is a step in the right direction, back on the same continent and under the same roof for at least part of the week.

Pilates personal training (a duet)- I am working with a personal trainer on the pilates equipment with a friend who is trying to build up her post-partum abdominal strength. It is a great workout and I know it is going to reap great benefit for my mid-section.

ta ta for now.

In search of life's silver lining...

2007-09-28T10:13:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting my blog but have been a loyal reader of other blogs lately.

Sooo many babies these last few weeks:
IF and the City

Thalia's Fertility Journey

Changing Expectations

It's really really great. And many newly preggers.

So ofcourse I feel like I am still living in the weigh station of life. To cope I am keeping myself insanely busy. Jenny Craig (no weight loss this week - arggghhh), dog agility training for Mr. Bozo the Dog, and now I am starting pilates personal training with my post partum friend Becky. It's all about the self -esteem in the end, looking good and feeling good.

I continue to have no idea whether B* will be back for good in December. His life is so good in Australia (professionally) why would he want to come back? I offered to move over there and he said no, he wants to come back to the US...so I wait.

I have resolved to absolutely start DE in January with or without him. I am trying to find some extra money through selling real estate on the side, but hello...have you checked the home sale market lately? It is hideous.

The bright side of life? Work is going well (my day job) and I might even get to go to Seoul on business in December. I will know in a few weeks. If it pans out, B* and I will meet up somewhere like Tokyo or the likes for an Asian adventure. Could be very exciting. Could be a silver lining of sorts....

Have you seen Jenny?

2007-09-18T12:45:00.000-04:00

Or maybe it should be -- have you seen Valerie (as in Bertinelli)?

I'm old enough to remember her as the younger kid sister on "One Day at a Time" and when she graced that pages of Tiger Beat Magazine. I had the same Farrah hair effect going back in the late 70's.

Anyway - after the car wreck and the back pain, I was feeling pretty decrepit and I wanted to feel more empowered.

I started physical therapy for my back, plus some nice muscle relaxants - the back is starting to improve and I am going to reintroduce Pilates into my routine. I now have the joy of wearing inserts in my shoes and have to focus more on using the inside of the foot when I walk.

I also decided to do something a little extreme, I joined Jenny Craig !!! I am one of those people who is obsessed with the last 10 pounds. I have little self control in the food category but have been lucky in the past with a relatively good metabolism and lots of exercise. As I've gotten older I can't work out like I use to and I'm still eating like I do 2 hours of aerobics every day - when I am instead nursing a back injury.

I have to say my expectations were low, but the food is good and I do feel full - and I am only eating 1200 calories which is much less than I thought I would be able to tolerate.

Tonight is the second weigh-in and I will have an update tomorrow. Losing the last 10 lbs is a good project for me while TTC is on hold. My goal for the fall is to be thin and fit - a good running start for a mid-life pregnancy (I hope).

A run of bad luck - what else is new?

2007-08-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

I've had a run of bad luck this last week:

I crashed my car into another car (i'm fine) resulting in major league auto repair so insurance rates are likely to go up in the near future.

I had a major electrical short in my house resulting in half the house being without power for several days until an electrician could come in and get it fixed.

My back, which has been acting funny most of the summer, is now really out of whack and I had to go to the doctor for real drugs and am waiting for a call back from the physical therapist to schedule a series of appointments.

Commons themes: things are breaking, money is going out the door

My master plan to re-engage in real estate as a side business to make extra money has turned into a bit of a bust with the current financial conditions driving everyone out of the market and into hiding.

So where is my silver lining?

Confessions of a QVC Addict....

2007-08-20T08:19:00.000-04:00

There are days when I sit in front of the TV hypnotized by QVC. I've always been a shopper - I am the shopping mall generation (somewhere between baby boomer and X) and there is just something very comforting about shopping.

This past weekend I watched in excess of 10 hours of QVC - it was a philosophy product showcase.

And then last night, after I finished watching the season finale of my favorite show Family Jewels I flipped the channel back to QVC -- and low and behold make up guru Mally and sure enough I found myself dialing QVC at 10:57 p.m. so that I could purchase the 6 piece on the go girl kit!

ok, so no I am back to reality and no more shopping!!!!

What country are you?

2007-08-20T08:17:00.000-04:00

Just for fun ---

You're Ireland!

Mystical and rain-soaked, you remain mysterious to many people, and this
makes you intriguing. You also like a good night at the pub, though many are just as
worried that you will blow up the pub as drink your beverage of choice. You're good
with words, remarkably lucky, and know and enjoy at least fifteen ways of eating a potato.
You really don't like snakes.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

single moms

2007-08-16T13:08:00.000-04:00

Some of my favorite blogs are single mom blogs -

I think it's because I feel like I am doing this all by myself in many ways. B* is inconsistent at best and if this is something that I want I will probably have to do it myself.

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and she pointed out, "what is there to fear, you are already doing it by yourself."

I think I am still holding on to the fantasy that some day someone is going to take care of me -

Calmer

2007-08-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am finally starting to calm down after the little sister craziness. Not that her train wreck is over, but I internalized a lot of it. My own feelings of instability, what if scenarios and it could happen to me stuff.

I think that if B* were here and fully present and supportive as a partner I would not feel so tenuous. But, the truth is that even when he is here he is not a pillar of support and calm. I have to find the calm myself, unless I change partners.

So I held a baby today.

My friend just had one - she went to the same RE as me, and boom first month of IUI she gets pregnant (her partner is a woman so she used donor sperm). Now, she is younger (36) but, well you all know how it feels, everyone else but not me. And I started this roller coaster well before she did. Her baby was very sweet, with a gigantic head (which in my book is a good thing) and lots of plumpness (also good). 7 weeks new.

I was impressed with how calm my friend was with the baby (she is one of my most neurotic and high strung friends) -- which means there is hope for me as a mother.

Maybe, hmmm, her calm with her little girl, made me feel more calm about everything: being a mom, limited support from B* (or none), and pulling it all off successfully.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Up in Flames

2007-08-03T15:11:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week I received a call from my sister that she had been fired from her job in nyc - it's an admin job and not very taxing so it was a bit of shock to think she would be let go for performance related issues. So this was depressing, my 38 year old sister being fired from a job for which she is overqualified. But she is getting a severance and can always temp- but it feels like a very dead end blow.

I mention her age because she lives the life of a 22 year old, going to concerts, staying out all night partying. She even showed up at my grandmother's 90th birthday 30 minutes late (1 p.m.) in the clothes from the night before.

So I get to work this morning and she calls me in tears. There has been a fire in her apartment, the kitchen is destroyed and everything in the apartment is on the floor and soaking wet. So I asked,
"when did the fire start?"
her answer "they think around 4 am"
and I say, "where were you?"
"hanging out with friends in Williamsburg"
"when did you get back and find out about the fire?"
"7 a.m. this morning" so now I am not feeling that sympathetic, but then she continues,
"My cat died in the fire" - when I heard her say this I just lost it,
I started screaming about her ridiculous lifestyle and how things need to change.

I feel sick thinking about the cat. What a horrible thing to happen to a little innocent creature, to die alone in an apartment fire, while her "mom" was partying it up in Williamsburg.

The cause of the fire was a can of scotch guard that exploded under the sink (combustion caused by heat).

Everything in her apartment is water and smoke damaged and she has no insurance.

I called B* and broke out into sobs over the cat, which then turned to a plea for us to have a normal like - " I just can't take much more of this" I told him.

I am going home from work early today so I can go hug my dogs.

Calling the Donor Coordinator

2007-08-02T11:05:00.000-04:00

I just called the Donor Coordinator in my RE's office. I had to tell her that I am not ready to get started. I asked her not to give up on me and not to kick me out the program. Sounds sort of desperate and pathetic....

She was understanding and supportive. Now she has to convince my donor not to give up on me and the donor egg program...my poor donor has been postponed twice now on my account and I feel bad for doing this to her.

Where we left things: I am calling the RE's office in 2 months (October 1) to confirm the calendar for a target transfer date of December 10th. If we don't do the transfer that week we will have to wait until Mid-January because the lab will be closed. I don't want to wait until mid-January - for many reasons.

I discussed the contingency of donor sperm if B* flakes on me completely. She said this is no problem.

Interesting side note: she told me that when there is male factor infertility they often mix the sperm of the husband/male partner with that of a donor's - resulting in a greater chance of fertilization. It's interesting to me because this means you really don't know who the "father" is unless you do genetic testing in these cases.

I am very excited for Lara who got some good news this week after a very long journey.

Baby Dreams

2007-07-31T10:24:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wonder if in my subconscious I really don't want a baby. After all I am 43 and I don't have one.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post about going it alone. It is very hard to pull the trigger on a big decision like this. When you have a partner who is ambivalent about having a baby (or terrified) sometimes it is easier to simply do nothing, instead of deciding to move forward without them.

So where am I in all of this? Well B* is not coming home to visit in August, he will be back at the end of November for 6 weeks and then gone again for 3 more months (and hopefully this will be the end of his teaching duty in AU). But the truth is, he is far from chomping at the bit to get this baby making adventure started. I told him this could be a deal breaker for our relationship - I don't think he took me seriously.

I keep reminding myself that he needs me more than I need him.

I've decided to once again revise my timeline - with DE this is possible in a way that it would not be were I set on using my own genetic matter. I said I was going to move forward without him in August but I just don't feel ready. I've decided to give myself permission to wait until December. If he won't step up then, I simply need to let go of the fantasy of doing this with him as a partner. Even if he is supportive and ante's up, the truth is that he may never be a true partner in this endeavor.

So my new project is to work towards fiscal and emotional readiness to start this journey, alone if necessary in late fall/early winter.

Many of my blog world friends are having the babies now, that were mere glimmers when I first joined blogland. It is hard to drag this out as long as I have, but I need to be clear and I am not quite there.

Trying Not to Think...

2007-07-27T09:30:00.000-04:00

I am trying not to think right now. I texted B* to say "I am done. I am sick of being lead on, I want a child. Leave me alone."

And now there is radio silence. I usually speak to him twice a day and we email, remember he is in Australia. So nothing now since Wednesday morning when I received his ridiculous email that said nothing about DE, and was instead a rant about how I manipulate him and he will come home to visit in August only if it makes sense for his schedule.

I sometimes wonder why I bother.

So far comments comments are leaning towards embryo adoption. Which is my inclination as well. But what about Sheryl Crow, she seems so cool, moving on after Lance and Cancer and adopting. Of course she has tons of $$$$. I also strangely think I would be more in control going the donor embryo route but who knows....

Paper Moon - Choices

2007-07-26T10:48:00.000-04:00

What is real and what isn't?

I have been warned by several people in my life to judge B* on his actions, not his words. He has a very powerful unconcious. He doesn't always live up to his promises.

Last february we agreed to postpone the DE cycle until September for financial reasons. So here we are on the verge of August and I am starting to get the impression that he is looking for more reasons for us not to get started.

This is very depressing, naturally. The truth is that he may never be ready.

So now I am facing the reality of the going it alone route and what that would look like. Here are my options (blogger input on options requested):

1. go forward with already identified donor and obtain donor sperm ($25,000+)
2. go the embryo adoption route - using some one else embies on ice ($5,000)
3. known donor - find someone who I know who donate eggs & use donor sperm ($17,000)
4. go the adoption route ($15,000-$40,000)
5. wait for B* to come around and then do DE with him

What is there to say?

2007-07-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

No big reports from Lies My Mother Told Me except to say that it is looking like B* will be in Australia through November. He has promised me he will come home for a visit in August.

This raises the stakes in a huge way on the DE front. It means that for the 1 week that he is in the states I will have to drag him down to the RE's office and get him to sign all of the paperwork, write a big check and go and do his business in the room with the magazines. From past experience, I know that these type of scenarios result in meltdown and retreat. But I have been waiting to move on DE now for 9 months!!!! an entire pregnancy - and I have watched two cycles of baby birds go from the egg stage to full birth and feathers on my window sill.

My greatest fear is that he is just stringing me along with no intent to ever move forward. If this is the case, drastic measures may be warranted. I really really don't want to be forced into this position, and I refuse to let my mind go there, but 30 days from now I may be forced to. But for now, there is nothing to say.

Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll....

2007-06-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

Sex -
Well not much sex to speak of...particularly with your partner on the opposite side of the globe. He says he misses me very much, he even talked to a DC-Based consulting firm about a position. I told him not to do it because he has never been happy doing that kind of work. Stick with the University gig and try to work it out for a stateside job - even commuting to the University (which is not based in Dc) would be preferable to the current situation.

So B* is suppose to return in August - is it a visit or extended stay remains to be determined. He knows that I am expecting us to move forward with the DE IVF in September. He mentions parenting occasionally but I worry that he is still not 100% in - not much I can do about this with him.

I told him I am anxious about his return in August, he said he is doing the work of two people right now so that we can all be together (the all includes the dogs of course).

Drugs -
I finally called my psychiatrist last week and told her that Zoloft was just not doing it for me - she prescribed a tricyclic - an oldy but a goody - for me to take before I go to bed to help with sleep and anxiety. So far it is doing the trick, although I must admit feeling a little fuzzy on days 1 & 2 of the new med.

Rock and Roll --
My 38 year old sister went to a 3 day concert (she flew to Tennessee from NYC) - - slept in a tent, showered in a truck and used a port-o-john for three days. I think this might be my definition of hell. Hanging out with a bunch of 20-somethings who are drugged out, sweaty and dirty in the hideous 90 degree plus heat. I told her that for all the money she spent to go to the concert (probably $500) she should have splurged on a hotel room. Her comment, "I would have missed stuff, and everyone was in a tent." - 80,000 people attended. I don't get it.

menopause quiz

2007-06-15T10:16:00.001-04:00

Here is a quiz - I don't completely agree with all of the answers. Sort of skewed towards phytoestrogens - which not everyone sees as a panacea for the symptoms. I scored 70 out of 100 - which makes me knowledgeable but I did also learn a few things.

Menopause quiz

I had another big fight with B* - a collection agency called looking for him - and he accused me of taking pleasure in bringing him bad news and having a generally negative aura. I do have a negative aura - and it stinks - I called my psychiatrist yesterday and asked that we tweak my meds - they are not working properly.

Hopefully a sunnier update soon.

There is no me without you....

2007-06-13T19:41:00.000-04:00

This article creeped me out. Those of you who have gone through DE or are contemplating, I would be interested in your thoughts.

There is no me without you from Elle Magazine.

criss-crossing the globe - ISO IVF Vacation

2007-06-13T13:47:00.000-04:00

Apparently there is now a website ivfvacation operated by a couple based in Ohio who help women travel to the Czech republic to do IVF and DE IVF.

IVF - a 21 day visit to the Czech Republic
$6,938 (includes airfare for two people)

DEIVF - 10 day trip to the Czech Republic
$8,483 (two people)

Ok - yes, much cheaper but is it worth it? This feels too important to take these types of risks if it can be avoided.

The information is included in a longer article U.S. women crossing globe for fertility help posted today on MSNBC website.

The dogs

2007-06-11T18:27:00.000-04:00

Today was my big day with the dog behaviorist. She was at my house for 4 1/2 hours - She is a DVM and she has a second degree in Behavior (I can't recall the acronym). Besides being expensive it was exhausting. No quick fixes for the boy dogs who fight and exhibit fear aggression.

She has suggested some medical tests for the aggressor, she thinks he might have some medical issues that are making him more irritable. For anxiety she has suggested putting both boys on Sam-E which you can buy at Whole Foods, etc. I also was show some training tricks to get their attention refocused on me and off of each other.

After she left I took a nap - I was completely exhausted. And this is just he beginning of the process with them. Much more work to be done, vet visit, practicing training tricks, and then meds and phone consults - I can't even think about how much effort this will require on top of everything else I am juggling.

deep sigh.....

I'm back from SFO

2007-06-09T15:34:00.000-04:00

I was in San Francisco this week for a training, and flew back yesterday. Training was good in parts, and not so good in other parts.

Call me psycho but...I was at the training with a colleague who blew off most of the conference - he treated it as his vacation in San Fran - which annoyed me. If the university is going to pay $2000 to send someone for professional development - you don't just blow it off. And he dressed like a bum. I chastised him about his attire and he called me the fashion police and told me to mind my own business. My irritation with him I guess is a break from worrying about all my other sh*t.

San Francisco is a beautiful city and it reminded me a lot of Sydney, AU. It was a good break from my regular routine but I felt terrible leaving the dogs. They seem to have survived.

While I was in SF I visited a good friend of mine who moved out there 7 years ago and now has a wonderful life and lifestyle, big condo in pacific heights and a weekend beach house. I told her my whole menopause saga - she got it and really empathized for me. The kicker is that she is 52 and can't believe that she hasn't even started menopause.

She talked about the qualitative difference of life in your 50s - things start to feel more finite and you need to decide what things you really want to do and do them before it's too late. She was very supportive of the baby thing. She and her girlfriend considered it but she said when it came down to it, they decided they would rather have a beach house (she knows this sounds awful but it is the truth).

On Monday I am taking the day off from work so that I can meet with the dog behaviorist. She is making a house call to assess the dynamic between the two boy dogs and why they fight and hurt each other (well there is really only one aggressor but they both have a role). I had to fill out nearly 30 pages of forms and send her all of their medical records. It should be interesting. I know it is going to be expensive - but it is less than the $1000 in medical bills for baby boy's eye injury (or future potential injuries).

The prednisone roller coaster is finally over. I was on a very high dose which my therapist said was probably the reason it was doing such a number on me. I was convinced mid-week that I am in a crisis - personal and professional, but things seem to have evened out considerably.

The Psychiatrist and more.....an update

2007-05-30T20:02:00.000-04:00

Yes the Prednisone is throwing me into anxious depressive mood (according to the psychiatrist)- so I need to call her in 2 weeks after my head has cleared. In the meantime use Klonopin as needed.

B* called to tell me he misses me and the little dogs. He also wanted to report that he is picking up some extra $$ doing executive training in a few weeks so that is happy news in our financial crunch days.

Real estate is going to take a while before it delivers on the promise of any real $$$ so I will just have to hang in there I guess.

I am totally into the Sopranos wind down although these episodes are really hard to watch - depressing, dark, Tony's spiral into hell.

anxious

2007-05-30T14:50:00.000-04:00

I am free flowing anxiety today.

It could be the prednisone I am taking for my poison ivy.

Or the fact that therapy group insisted that I look at the "what if" scenario of B* not following through on DE - and me having to do it alone and be sacked with tons of debt.

Or that I am still having reverb from coming off the effexor (now on zoloft). Getting off has felt worse than what got me taking it in the first place!!!!

I am seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon so maybe she will have some insight.

Here is the update after meeting with the Psychiatrist:

Yes the Prednisone is throwing me into anxious depressive mood (according to the psychiatrist)- so I need to call her in 2 weeks after my head has cleared. In the meantime use Klonopin as needed.

B* called to tell me he misses me and the little dogs. He also wanted to report that he is picking up some extra $$ doing executive training in a few weeks so that is happy news in our financial crunch days.

Real estate is going to take a while before it delivers on the promise of any real $$$ so I will just have to hang in there I guess.

I am total into the Sopranos wind down although these episodes are really hard to watch - depressing, dark, Tony's spiral into hell.

Another Birthday

2007-05-29T14:30:00.000-04:00

I've just commemorated another birthday - since 40 it just all feels like it's just about getting old. Fighting the aging process. I never thought I would become so vain about these things.

So now I am 43, quite old to be contemplating pregnancy (including the potential for multiples). I use to think I was in great shape but now with the onset of menopause I am questioning my confidence in my physical resiliency.

This is the year of big change, mark my words....

report on baby boy

2007-05-24T14:04:00.000-04:00

Baby Boy did wonderfully at agility last night but unfortunately he is not ready to progress to the next level and we will need 8 more weeks of intro to refine his skills.

I was very proud of him - he did wonderfully on all of the equipment, but he still cannot master the sit-stay function.

Taking action....

2007-05-21T19:22:00.000-04:00

From: jade
Sent: Monday, May 21, 2007 1:53 PM
To: Donor Coordinator - S*
Subject: Jade calendar ....

S*-
I wanted to drop you a line to confirm the calendar - we discussed starting meds in August and doing the procedure in September. I think we should plan to stick with this calendar.

We can start meds (lupron I guess) the week of August 20th - and if B* decides to flake I am inclined to move forward without him at this point which means his absence would not affect the calendar.

There is a possibility that he will have to go back to Australia in September, ,if that is the case and he is amenable, I will have him leave behind his contribution.
Does this sound like a workable plan?

Nothing is every easy!!!

- J*

Response from DE Coordinator:

Hi J*,

That works for me! It sounds like B* is definitely keeping your head spinning about this whole thing. Hopefully he'll simmer down soon and be a team player! Men...

Talk to you soon!

Sincerely,

S*

A sense of humor is essential

2007-05-21T14:59:00.001-04:00

Sometimes a sense of humor is essential. How else can we bare all that we have to go through? Case in point Egg donors are people too...

And also check out this site eujenics for additional irreverent thoughts.

What is going on ...Life is hard?

2007-05-16T11:36:00.000-04:00

This is an update post.

B* was here for 10 days and then went back to Australia to teach for the next 12 weeks. He can't say one way or the other if he will have the fall semester off - he loves his work but hates being away. Not a great combination - makes it tough on all involved.

I spoke with the DE coordinator and told her that our plan is to start up in August. At least I think this is "our" plan. If it's just my plan then so be it. B* is suppose to be back mid-August - either for the fall or for a visit. My thought is that this is when we start the donor cycle and sync everything up for a September transfer. If B* has to go back in the fall then I will ask him to make a deposit before departing.

My greatest fear is that he will wimp out and find an excuse not to come home in August and then I am on my own. He has insisted that we not finance this, we pay cash and that by the end of the summer we should (he should) be able to come up with the money to make the payment. I've mentioned that I've picked up the real estate again to try and make some extra cash this summer towards this goal. So far no clients but it takes time to get rolling.

I worry about B* and all of this flux and ambivalence. I am turning 43 in a few weeks and I may be a good shape but I am not superhuman. I've laid off my cleaning service to save some cash and announced to my therapy group that I am leaving (I've been there for nearly 14 years). The combined savings of these two actions is $600/month. Of Course my therapist is concerned that B* will flake and that I wont move forward but once again extend the deadline. She thinks now is not a good time to leave therapy. It never is a good time to leave.

Life feels hard.

Self Non-Medication

2007-05-08T11:38:00.000-04:00

I am not insane and not as unstable as I've been feeling lately. At least according to this article Self Non-Medicationby Bruce Stutz in Sunday's New York Times.

It makes me realize how powerful the pharmaceutical industry really is. Take this pill, feel better, and plan to never go off of your medication. It is a bit of scam.

So here I am having transitioned off of Effexor onto Zoloft and still feeling quite anxious. Is this me or the drugs talking? or the lack of drugs talking?

Osteopenia

2007-05-03T19:16:00.000-04:00

Today I learned something new. I have Osteopenia. This is what you get before you get osteoporosis. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been exercising like a fiend my entire adult life - so this is a surprise. I'm suppose to mega dose on the calcium and Vitamin D. It really stinks because it is related to menopause and low estrogen.

My mother has osteoporosis but she eats like crap and is super underweight.

I am afraid of shrinking. My grandma, who was once about 5'3" is now maybe 4'10" -granted, she is 92, but I really don't want to shrink. I like being tall - 5'7" 1/2 last time I checked - but maybe it has already started and I am shorter than I think. Arggghhh.

are you a republican?

2007-05-01T09:48:00.000-04:00

I am:
33%
Republican.

"You're probably one of those chicken-littles who thinks maybe we should worry a little bit, occasionally, about the fate of the planet that our lives all depend on."

Are You A Republican?

33% is a bad score for someone who worked for Massachusetts Dems during the first part of her career.

DXA Scan - More Reminders

2007-04-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

Today was my DXA scan - to test my bone density (!!!!). Us menopause women who don't produce signficant amounts of estrogen run the risk of osteoporosis. I had to fill out a form in the waiting room where I was able to refer to myself as menopausal - oh the joy. This is the official beginning of bones going brittle and body turning to dust.

Unlike a pap smear or other x-ray like experiences, you leave your clothes on - but unsnap your bra and unzipper your pants. The machines moves up and down your spine and sounds like a game of Ms. Pac Man.

At the end the nurse (or technician) asked me if I had any questions. She isn't really allowed to answer any questions, but she is suppose to ask.

Honestly, I don't expect a negative result - I've been excercising my entire adult life, but you never know.

I could see the pictures of my bones on her computer screen but she refused to comment on how I looked - "you will get your results in 5 days...."

Seven Days

2007-04-26T10:37:00.000-04:00

There are seven days until B* will be home. Class registration is apparently 2 people shy of full - so unless 2 people fall out of the sky he will not be teaching for the summer. The extra $dough$ would be nice, but I am not sure how much more long distance I can handle right now. Always a trade off...

Baby boy did great at Agility class last night. He scaled the A-Frame and walked across the teeter-totter with only minor trepidation. I was told that I am giving him too many treats - he needs to work harder for his rewards.

I can't help but think that the Agility training is good practice for me with human babies.

Grumpy rant

2007-04-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

I went to yoga at lunch time but I am still in my funk. B* is starting to call me a bully again - which is code for "you are making me do something I don't want to do" (not really code I guess). He will know shortly if he is expected to spend the summer in Australia. Now, he does have a right to say no to them, but he doesn't want to - it is his career afterall.

What does this mean? 10 days at home and then back down under. And...there is the possibility that he will also be teaching over there for the fall - through November - so that works out to 11 months. If I was knocked up maybe I would care less, right now it just feels like a big burden - he is not sending me enough money and I have to do everything over here. And who knows if he really wants to have a baby - it's hard to tell when someone is so far away and puts their career above all else.

Tired...

2007-04-20T10:52:00.000-04:00

I am so tired.

1. Taking care of 4 dogs by myself
(my baby boy reinjured himself this week, had to get stitches again and is back in the cone for 2 more weeks!)

2. Waiting for B* to come back, and not knowing how long he will be staying.
(I can't get a straight answer which makes me think he will be home for 10 days and then turnaround and go back to Australia - "to make more money for us" he claims)

3. Trying to kick start work in Real Estate so I can make some extra money so I can pay off current debt and save money for DE in the fall.
(In addition to my university job I have been filing paperwork all week and will be doing my first open house this sunday)

4. The DE Coordinator ignored my last email.
(maybe she thinks I am just playing at all of this since B* is out of the country and we are on temporary hold)

I guess I just feel like ranting a little.

Jesus take the wheel? maybe not...existential philosopher test

2007-04-18T11:43:00.000-04:00

Random amusement - here's what my online existential philosopher test reports:

You scored as Albert Camus. You are Albert Camus, so you are one sweet absurdist. He built largely upon the framework of existentialists before him, but introduced the concept that life is absurd, but that we should continue living anyway. You have strong liberal leanings, although you annoy the Communists. You are susceptible to driving fast, and possibly crashing into a tree.

Albert Camus
68%
Friedrich Nietzsche
64%
Martin Heidegger
64%
Jean-Paul Sartre
50%
Soren Kierkegaard
46%
Not An Existentialist
39%

>Which Existentialist Philosopher Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
<

The Feminine Mistake

2007-04-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

Leslie Bennetts has penned a new book, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? I decided to post about this today because I am feeling very grumpy about my current employment.

I don't love my job - it's boring and I am not very challenged - but it is secure and I am adequately compensated with good benefits. It is the perfect job for a having a baby. If I wasn't hoping/planning to do DE in the fall, I would be polishing up the old resume. I've decided to backburner the career and try to focus on creating family as the priority. My fantasy is not to come back to this job after cranking out a kid.

So I am wondering if I fall into the category of Feminine Mistake by down shifting professionally and holding out the fantasy of completely putting my employment on temporary pause. Bennetts defends herself in the Huffington Post. She wishes more women would read the book before going on attack. I have not read the book.

I have been self-sufficient my entire adult life, what is so wrong with full-time motherhood? Honestly, the big career is not all it is cracked up to be and I really hold no fantasy about trying to be super-human running home afterwork to my second job. I will do it out of financial necessity but I can't say that I have a burning desire to aggressively pursue career while caring for an infant.

I don't think I am missing the big picture, but then again, maybe I am.

Does the Egg Donor need to be Jewish? Israeli Egg Farming

2007-04-11T11:02:00.000-04:00

I've been asked if I want a Jewish Egg Donor - the answer is "I don't care."

Technically, if you carry the baby the Rabbis consider it Jewish, but this really doesn't matter to me either.

The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy. That said, I do have guilt about not carrying my genes forward. Does that sound weird? I think about my great grandparents who left Eastern Europe to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families - for some odd reason (maybe odd) I feel like I am betraying them by not passing along their genetic material. I am also, ofcourse, mourning the loss of that genetic connection to a child - but that is less about the Jewish piece.

When I asked my RE about the Jewish Donor Egg agency in NYC that works with the young Israeli girls, he told me he had visited their office and that it reminded him of a "catfish farm" (he is from New Orleans ergo the catfish reference). This gruesome image was enough for me to drop the issue altogether.

Last week New York magazine ran an article entitled Israeli Egg Farming how ironic - or should I say, accurate!!!

Airbrushed? Alluring?

2007-04-09T20:45:00.000-04:00

Another one of those photographs that seems hard to believe.

Baby Wait

2007-04-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

Waiting to begin a process that could just as easily start with the swipe of a credit card is excruciating.

B* will be back in less than 4 weeks from Australia which is a relief. He still wants to wait until September to start the DE process which feels interminable. He says our money position will be better by then. I fear that he will never feel like we have enough money.

Life feels like a series of distractions - waiting for September to arrive. Agility dog training and building an obstacle course at home so we can practice during the week, reinstating my real estate license so I can start selling houses in addition to my full time job - all of it to fill up the big space that is suppose to be the pregnancy that has yet to materialize.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a fraud, playing at trying to have a baby but that it really is never going to happen. It is just some delusion that manages to take up significant brain capacity.

Did I mention that the last time AF showed up was last July. Some would find this a relief. To me it is the bell in the clock tower tolling loudly that I am getting older and older by the minute. And still no baby.

I guess I am feeling a little grim.

To Tell or Not to Tell

2007-04-02T14:47:00.000-04:00

Here is an article from the NIH website on trends in disclosure of donor egg & donor sperm.

My baby boy & other updates

2007-03-30T11:05:00.000-04:00

My baby boy Bozo had a run in this week with another one of my dogs resulting in stitches to his lower eyelid and the indignity of this cone for the next 10 days.

On a brighter note, Bozo (despite his infirmity) passed the test to be admitted into the Dog Agility Training program. His half brother is national champion so it is in the DNA.

I'm working on my realtor's license and plan to start showing houses some time next month ($$$). B* is back on May 7th and I am hoping we can come up with a DE game plan then. I am going to get him in to see the DE counselor so we can talk through any "issues" he might have. We don't have to do this, but I am going to tell him that it was strongly recommended.

Peggy Orenstein Responds

2007-03-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

The Drowned Girl joined me in posting comments to Peggy Orenstein on the Josh Kornbluth Show Blogand Peggy responded!!! This is the power of the Internet at Work!!!

Peggy Orenstein | March 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Hi, I’d just like to comment back to the two women above. You’re absolutely right that I got the miracle happy ending in terms of getting pregnant and having a baby. And honestly? I agree that the reason you see that “happy” ending and not the others is that publishers don’t think the other ones sell. That’s the bald truth. And, of course, in my case it wasn’t the story.

I felt I had a great story that was larger than the tale of the infertility itself, a really gripping yarn about a woman’s life. I also was concerned that I had the miracle ending and that wasn’t fair to a lot of women. So I worked very hard in the book to make sure that the baby wasn’t the exclamation point happy ending and that’s it, on we go. I felt that if that were the case, I would have failed.

That’s why I wrote the epilogue the way I did. I wanted to be clear that, despite having the “miracle” ending, there was a huge cost to my marriage, my life, and my finances in the process, and that there were some real questions about the infertility industry. What’s more, I don’t think I at all ducked the question of what would happen “without the miracle” as Drwoned Girl suggests. That’s the whole purpose of mulling what might’ve happend if the deus ex machina of the baby hadn’t dropped into our lvies (deus ex machina is the artificial or improbable device dropped into a literary work to create a happy endiing). I do pick at that thread, though obviously can’t draw conclusions, can’t know what would’ve happened. That’s also why I wrote the section in which Steven tells me not to get “revisionist,” that the baby does not justify the means by which we got there.

I think if there is a cautionary element to my tale (and by the way, Jade I would never have described myself as “too career focused”) it is that I forgot the things that could sustain me in crisis, the things that would be there whether or not I became a mother, the things, in fact, that feminism has given us: teh opportunity for meaningful work, the possibility of a parntership of equals, the potential to define ourselves fully and richly without being mothers. I lost sight of that. It sounds to me, Jade, that you have not and I admire you for that.

I also wanted at the end to have the opportunity to say a thing or two about fallacies about New Age and religious platitudes (God only gives you what you can stand; everything happens for a reason) and idiotic statements like, “if you adopt you’ll get pregnant.”

In those ways, I hoped the book would continue to reflect some of the experience and have relevance for those whose “ending” was different than mine: those who conceived via third party reproduction, via IVF or other technology, those who adopted, or those who decided to go on as a couple and forgo further attempts to have children.

In the end, though, this is my story and I wrote it as I experienced it and as it happened. It’s unclear to me, Drowned Girl, why you object to the inclusion of the botched donor cycle. Because you’re starting a cycle and don’t want to read about one that didn’t work out? That’s not really fair to me. I would’ve been thrilled to have had a baby via Jess’ egg, was fully prepared for THAT to be our happy ending/beginning, as I was fully prepared to become an adoptive parent if that had worked as well. But we had some very bad luck. That failed cycle, I’d wager to say, was harder for me to live through than it was for anyone to read. I sincerely hope your cycle works for you and it is certainly doubtful that you would have the same thing happen that we did!

You might be interested to know that my relationship with Jess has continued and deepend significantly over time–she is a true part of our family.

Happy to answer any other questions.

O Peggy

2007-03-23T16:23:00.000-04:00

Ok - my comment has now posted on the Josh Kornbluth blog.

A Little Pregnantmentions the book on her site today and early this week Beaten not bowed had some thoughtful comments.

The New York Times thought it was great. And don't get me wrong, good work of literature and I am sure that Peggy Orenstein is delightful and interesting over cocktails, but we just don't all get her happy ending and that is the painful pill.

Girl Chat...

2007-03-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

I had a great meet-up with my Australian blogger pals while I was away. We met for brunch and everyone brought their significant other. Ofcourse only one of the three men actually knew about our blogs so we had to be somewhat careful in not letting that cat out of the bag.

It felt like the post-apocalyptic version of Sex and the City. We are all in our early 40's in the "important" relationship - the complete otherside of the planet from NYC where the show takes place and now all having to stare down infertility and create our own families.

I was so impressed with both Susie and Sparkle. They are strong women who have already been through so much on their journeys to motherhood. Their determination and focus was truly inspiring and I hope that I can follow in their foot steps.

Sparkle is pregnant through DE and Susie reported at brunch that she has found not one but two donors and is syncing cycles in order to get started.

It was interesting to chat about the Australian laws v. US approach to DE. You cannot compensate the donor in Australia and 9 out of 10 times the recipient has to go out and find her own donor. In the US donor egg has become a huge business and it was hard for Sparkle's husband to understand how donating eggs is an altruistic act if you are being paid $6500. The standards are different in the states, people expect to be paid, but they still believe that they are giving someone the gift of a child - and they are.

Personally, I think the fact that it is a business transaction makes it all a little cleaner and simpler. This doesn't take into account how the prospective child might feel about it 18 years from now but I can only take one step at a time.

Waiting for Daisy... Peggy Orenstein, You Got Lucky.

2007-03-22T10:53:00.000-04:00

I read Waiting For Daisy on my flight back from Australia. Sue from A Few Good Eggs recommended it as the story of a woman who experiences infertility and chooses ultimately to pursue donor egg. Well, Sue must not have finished the book because - that is not how the story ends. Now, before I give away the ending let me say, yes it is a good book for infertiles - an easy read and a way of commiserating with another articulate, professionally successful woman who chose to put off pregnancy until her late thirties and then had to deal with the consequences.

Now to the ending and how it all turns out....

The donor egg cycle is a failure. She goes on to get pregnant on her own and has a happily ever after tale after slogging through the throws of infertility. I should be happy for Peggy Orenstein who ends up successfully passing her DNA on to the next generation, but instead I felt resentful. Perhaps my resentment was exacerbated by the fact that I thought this was a book about a woman who has a baby using Donor Egg. My reader expectations were calibrated incorrectly from the get-go.

Yes, so in the end, her eggs work out fine and it was the crappy sperm all along. Wouldn't that be nice if that turned out to be the case and yet, for me, it is a fantasy.

And (insult to injury) she actively resisted having children when she was already married, concerned that it would get in the way of her successful career, now even more successful with the publishing of this latest book. Many of us have to choose to slow down our careers to deal with infertility (like me) - to make what has often been the area of highest satisfaction and gratification and secondary priority - pursuing the dream of motherhood in the hope that it will be the panacea we've always dreamed it would be.

Peggy Orenstein, I hope you know how good you have it.

UPDATE:
Peggy Orenstein is doing a big media tour for the book. I came across a blog for the Josh Kornbluth Show on KQED that invited comments - so I left some!!!

Australia - images

2007-03-18T17:03:00.000-04:00

I am already starting to have an anxiety stomach ache thinking about going back to work tomorrow. So here are some nice memories from my trip.

I Like Ike -

2007-03-17T12:51:00.000-04:00

Just back from a fabulous and exhausting trip to Australia. I will post pictures later, I still need to upack and find my camera!!!
"Ike"

As for B* - things are in a much better place. Although he is enamored of Australia he is also quite homesick which explains some of his crazy behavior (it's not intuitive but what man is?). He will be home in May (for the whole summer more than likely) and may have to return for one more semester in the fall. I made him promise that we would do the donor egg before he leaves for the fall semester - and he said "yes, yes, yes, ofcourse." He even picked out a name for our future child - a boy's name ofcourse - my favorite South Park character. Ike.

Greetings from Sydney

2007-03-07T20:24:00.001-05:00

I've landed and B* should be arriving in the next 30 minutes - very very very anxious about dealing with him right now given that he is the source of so much for me right now. But hey, I am on the other side of the planet and this is a pretty exciting place to be so I am going to try and not let our big life problems get in the way of enjoying myself (we'll see).

In the $$$ category of issues I have decided to reactivate my real estate license and do a little moonlighting on the side. I've talked to a realtor friend of mine and she is totally pumped to have me work for her showing houses to potential buyers and if I make the sale I get part of the comission. If I sell three houses that $12,000 right there. She has more business than she can possibly handle and is grateful for the assistance.

This way I am not dependent on B* for the mortgage, and I can start saving for my own fertility fund (with or without him). GIRLPOWER plain and simple. I am actually quite excited about making the extra dough and I like looking at other people's houses.

While in Sydney I am hoping to hook up with IF and the City and
The Journey both of whom are pursuing motherhood - one now successfully with donor egg. We are hoping to meet for brunch in Manly on Sunday. Very Cool!

More later, ciao from down under.

My Heart is Breaking

2007-03-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

My heart is really breaking today. I called the Donor Coordinator and told her we are not ready to move forward with Donor Egg - B* does not think our finances are sufficiently in order to take on an additional $24,000 in debt. I also told her that I am concerned that he is having larger commitment issues with the whole thing.

So I am not in the queue for a donor. And I am fighting sooo much with B* that we barely have a relationship. He says all I do is nag and complain and he can't stand talking to me (remember he is in Australia). He also isn't sure when he is coming back. For a visit in May, but then he will be there through the summer and possibly the fall semester.

I have started looking at options without him. I am not sure I can do it, it feels really really scary. I am pretty certain at this point that I like Embryo Adoption. And it's cheaper - it's the fee for the embryos ($2500) and the cost of an FET cycle.

I told him about this option - and he asked if I was threatening to do it without him - I said I was trying to point out a cheaper option for us - the next thing I remember is that he hung up on me.

He told me today he is not looking forward to seeing me and my trip is an unnecessary expense - and this is just another example of how I don't listen to him. Not about spending money on a vacation, or that we need to pay off our debt and get on surer footing before doing donor egg.

I feel very lost right now. I thought I had this grant plan and now I'm feeling like I imagined the whole thing because he was never really on board.

I leave tomorrow for Australia....

Where is my baby?

2007-03-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting because I am starting to feel like my baby might be slipping away. Sounds dramatic. Well, remember that B* went to Australia and was not honest about how long he will be working over there. It is now sounding like 6-9 more months (ie end of Dec. 2007). So that sucks.

But here is the real kicker...he doesn't think we are ready to take the leap forward with donor egg because our finances are so f-ed up.

True, I have enormous credit debt that I need to get under control and little in short term savings. I do have retirement and home equity but have not considered touching either one. Additionally, B* has just recently gone through personal bankruptcy - so his cash situation is quite retched. I think he hopes to parlay the Australia work into big $$$ but he's not there yet.

I've discussed this with a therapist and she (and many of my good friends) don't think that B* is ever going to be ready. We've been on the verge of getting married for 5 1/2 years and that still hasn't happened (commitment issues on his part - and then the discovery that his divorce of 14 years ago was never finalized!). He is in many ways a train wreck and yet he is my train wreck if you know what I mean.

So here I am with a man who may never be ready to have a baby (he is 45 and I am 42). The therapist suggested I develop a scenario that doesn't include B* and start working towards that. It makes the donor egg plan a little odd - if there is no B* i have the option of embryo adoption or I can adopt. I've been so fixated on being pregnant which might sound ridiculous. THe therapist tried to convince me that it is really not that great and adoption is much more logical given my age and the B* situation.

I feel like a boat adrift. As far as the RE's office is concerned, I told them we were putting it off until May when B is back in the states. I asked him if September was a good alternative, and he wasn't willing to commit for certain. I've got this donor in the que and if I lose her I guess I can find another but this is just all making my head spin.

I'm home sick and I've been watching those Discovery/Learning channel shows that show the birth of a baby which is what I have always dreamed of. Am I doing this by myself? I've lost my compass...

I am still going to Australia next week and hope to get alot of this sorted out. I hope I don't have to choose to do this without him, but that is a possibility.

Vacation to Australia - A Needed Distraction

2007-02-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

My vacation to Australia is just a little more than a week away and I am starting to get quite excited. I will be in Sydney from March 8-11 and Adelaide March 12-16. Restaurant and shopping recommendations are greatly appreciated! I am also hoping to get together for a drink with some of my IF/DE blogger pals.

We are staying at the Four Points Sheraton in Darling Harbour (tourist central) and plan to explore all of the neccesary attractions: the Rocks, Aquarium, Opera House, Manly Beach, Watson's Bay. All recommendations are welcome. In Adelaide I will probably do a nearby winery tour and I think we are planning an overnight at Kangaroo Island which looks fabulous (see picture above).

No word back yet from the donor on moving the date but I am going to assume that this works for her (pray that it works I should say).

Optimism

2007-02-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all the kind notes on my last entry re: Feeling Left Behind. One Note: not all my favorite bloggers are pregnant - but there has been a fertile patch lately for a number of you. And perhaps the rest of us just have to hang on a little bit longer.

I spoke with the Donor coordinator and she is going to speak with the donor and see if the one month delay is okay. She did suggest shipping the sperm over from Australia if all else fails - I am hoping it doesn't come to this.

Here is the optimism - ie the title of the post:
My clinic's stats for 2006:

pregnancy rate with anonymous donor egg is 100%
pregnancy rate into second tri-mester with anonymous donor egg is 82%

55% singleton
41% twins
5% triplets

I point out anonymous donor above because directed donor success rates are lower (makes sense).

But these are good stats if I can just get B* to give me his sperm in a timely fashion. I joked with the donor coordinator today that if I have to give up on B*'s sperm, I'm definetly going for taller.

Feeling Left Behind

2007-02-19T22:08:00.000-05:00

All my favorite bloggers are preggers and I am feeling left behind. Happy for them and quite jealous at the same time.

This is made worse by the fact that B* will not be back from Australia until the beginning of May. This is new, he has known for quite a while but I just figured it out and got him to fess up. He had lead me to believe that his gig would be over in late March. I am more than a little upset -

1. because he lied (he said to avoid the drama - well guess what, this makes it worse!)
2. because I have to wait that much longer to get started and May is my b-day (43~) and I really really wanted to be pregnant before my f-ing birthday
3. because this could be an issue for the donor we have in the que

I have emailed the donor coordinator to make sure this timing issue doesn't screw things up. I also indicated we would do what was necessary to make it work. I know B* would pitch more than a fit if he had to do a 2 day trip to the states for this purpose but he is such sh*t for lying to me.

Do Pregnant Women Really Look Like This?

2007-02-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

If I looked like this not pregnant I would be happy. I don't know why, but I am obsessed with these idealized pregnancy images.

I think my problem is that I've spent too much time at the
Twins belly gallery scaring myself half to death.

Money = An Infertile's Nightmare

2007-02-05T16:54:00.000-05:00

I've been stressing about money. I am worried about how in debt I already am and how much more debt I am preparing to take on in the next 30 days.

People have kids every day that they really can't afford but they make it work because it's just money.

I can't even imagine making the decision not to have children because I can't afford it. My finances are a complete high wire act -

Here comes the full disclosure:
I own my House (the mortgage company owns 80%) which I can barely afford. B* had to file personal bankruptcy earlier this year as a result of a long protracted child support battle that drove him into a deep deep hole. Our finances are completely separate and we are not married (partially) because of money. He is desperately working to pull himself out of the hole - the bankruptcy is an effort to wipe the slate clean - as odd as that sounds.

I already have credit card debt (about 1/3rd related to infertility) and now the DE/IVF procedure will be paid for by home equity line. And..I am going on vacation to see B* in Australia.

B* is there for 3 months to make money so we can afford our life. I am justifying the Australia trip as my last free-wheeling vacation for a very very long time.

We've discussed moving to a less expensive city -- DC is just a big boulder of expense on top of both of us.

The insanity of all of this is that we both make six figures and once upon a time that was good money, but now it barely pays the bills.

Am I crazy? how do others manage?

Sarah Silverman

2007-01-31T11:23:00.000-05:00

This is just for fun.
The Sarah Silverman Program is a new show on Comedy Central. It premiers on 2/1 at 10:30 est. For a preview click >here!

If you saw the film Jesus is Magic you know what I am talking about.

Counting the chicks before they are hatched

2007-01-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

Many "ifs" in the planning of the donor egg cycle but here is what we are discussing at the moment:

Start Lupron approximately March 17th
Embryos on board Around April 5th
Due Date (40 weeks) December 26th

Am I getting a little ahead of myself? I love to think about these types of details. The truth is that we haven't done the official cycle calendar yet but this is sort of what it's looking like.

But there are many, many "ifs"

US state considers legislation that would forbid anonymous sperm and egg donors

2007-01-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

US state considers legislation that would forbid anonymous sperm and egg donors International Herald Tribune 1/29/2007

Bill would end anonymity of future sperm donors
By Dena Potter
ASSOCIATED PRESS Washington Times

I saw this coming, thank you state of Virginia. I knew that with all those articles in the Washington DC papers in the last few months something like this was bound to happen.

Katrina Clark who is the impetus behind the bill in the Virginia legislature published an Op-Ed in the Washington Post Sunday Outlook section in December, 2006. I just knew this was going to become fodder for the Right-Wing - and sure enough, here it is it. She is an angry 18 year-old who feels ripped off because she will never know her father. And now she is being used to kick-off what might become a nasty, nasty political battle in the states and beyond.

I am glad that I found a new donor. Very troubling.

The Benefits of a Small Clinic - Donor Update

2007-01-26T16:11:00.000-05:00

I am back from my clinic and the donor is a really good match. My coloring - with a scottish/german twist.

We can say good bye to the big jewish nose (although B* is also well endowed in this category even though he is really not Jewish).

But this looks like she might be the one! They have promised to reserve her for me and to get her going on the birth control pills in the next week or so.

Now I just need to find out exactly when B* will be back in the states so we can put the calendar together. WE are probably looking at retrieval at the end of March early April - which at the moment feels very far away!

The Benefits of a Small Clinic

2007-01-26T10:39:00.000-05:00

Waiting in my mailbox last night when I arrived home was the profile of the donor my clinic mentioned earlier in the week. The Donor Coordinator decided to mail it to me for review even though they are still waiting for the final clearances on the psych evaluation.

The coloring is spot on - red hair (Me: natural redhead in childhood, enhanced in adulthood), green eyes (me: hazel), fair complexion - yes.

Her interests: politics, creative writing, animals/pets - this is me too!

She is pursuing graduate studies in political science(which means she could be a student at the University where I work).

She was born in 1977. The year I got my first period!! kismet :)

The one incongruancy - she is 5'3" and I am 5'7 1/2" but in the scheme of things this is not a deal breaker. Tall is better (B* is also a shrimpo at 5'8" on a very tall day) but I believe that each generation gets successively taller and the donor's brother is 6'2" so there is a tall gene in there somewhere.

I emailed Donor Coordinator this morning and will swing by this afternoon to check out the photo. She is working with 15 couples right now but thought of me as soon as she met this young woman - THIS is the BENEFIT of a SMALL CLINIC!!

I am quite excited and will provide an update later today!

Shared Donor Program .. And in other news

2007-01-22T19:24:00.000-05:00

Since I am not going to this clinic I think it is fair to out them. Shady Grove Fertility has just produced this new brochure promoting their shared donor program.

I can't put my finger on it but it gives me the willies - I little too factory-like for my taste. And the prices!!!! See for yourself.

And in other news...I talked to my donor coordinator and she thinks she may have find me a good donor candidate (they are no longer working with Utah). She said she got a good vibe and her coloring is a good match. She has to get through the psych eval and a few other tests - but I should know by the end of next week.

My clinic is running radio ads for donors and in the last 2 weeks have had 15 inquiries - so things are picking up. I asked the donor coordinator where their were running the ads since I have not heard them - clearly, they are not on NPR .

Switching Anti-Depressants - Update

2007-01-22T10:25:00.000-05:00

I went back to the dope doctor on Friday and she proposed that we get me off the Effexor and onto the much more baby friendly Zoloft. The doc also recommended 2000 mcg of Omega-3 to enhance the effect of the meds (I will do a separate post on this later - it's actually quite interesting stuff).

Apparently Effexor has significant withdrawl symptoms - how would I know, I've been on it for nearly 10 years. These sides effects would be experienced by the newborn, which is why this is not a good drug for pregnant or nursing moms.

"Wyeth-Ayerst, the manufacturer of effexor and effexor xr, did a survey of all the patients in the clinical trial's testing program. According to their method of counting, 35% of the Effexor patients experienced withdrawal symptoms ranging from a flu-like syndrome to insomnia, nausea, nervousness, and loss of energy. Also, from the FDA medical products reporting program, the list of withdrawal symptoms from effexor include:

agitation, anorexia, anxiety, confusion, coordination impaired, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, dysphoric mood, fasciculation, fatigue, headaches, hypomania, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), somnolence, sweating, tremor, vertigo, and vomiting. "

As we ween me off the Effexor ever so slowly I will also be ramping up on the Zoloft. I took Zoloft in the early 90's but eventually switched to Effexor to better address my anxiety.

So now I am swapping the devil I know for the devil I use to know.

BIG QUESTION: Should I Change Clinics? Part 2

2007-01-18T16:57:00.000-05:00

I called the Very Large Clinic and left 2 messages and finally reached a human on the 3rd attempt.

Here is what I found out:
1. Large Clinic has raised its prices and is in fact more exspensive than my current RE (small clinic). $27,000 for one DE cycle !!! Most woman do shared cycles which lowers the cost. hmmmmm....

2. Large Clinic currently has 30 currently available donors - but not all are available for single recipient cycle (donors who are known to produce 20 follicles have been designated for shared use - up to 3 recipients in one cycle!!!)

3. Large Clinic does 400 donor egg procedures annually - and there are 60 women cycling as we speak!!!!!

Needless to say, I do no think this is the right course of action for me. I want someone who is actually going to read my file and know who I am - with 60 women cycling at anyone time (just in the donor egg program - forget about IVF) how can 18 doctors possibly be able to keep it all straight?

Given the current options I am going to ride it out a little longer and see if my RE finds a donor for me. I would rather pay the extra money to a donor agency and bring my own donor to my RE and get the hand holding I need, instead of giving it to large clinic who will never be able to remember my name.

That's the current thinking - thanks to everyone who posted a comment, it all helps me to process through this stuff.

Too Good to be True, WHO looks like this 9 months pregnant?

2007-01-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

WHO Looks like this 9 months Pregnant?

Call this my fantasy pregnancy. Here is the interview with Brooke Burke in FitPregnancy

BIG QUESTION: Should I Change Clinics?

2007-01-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

The BIG QUESTION - should I change clinics?

As I have mentioned, my RE's office currenlty does not have a donor for me - this thing with Utah is turning into a complete failure for them, and there are three other couples ready to cycle now and they don't have donors for them. Not good.

My options: There is a very large and very well known clinic in DC Metro Area that has a stellar reputation and an active donor pool.

Downside: it is a large clinic - not small and personal like the one I have been going to.

Upside: Large donor pool, less expensive (about 4k less) and they have a shared risk program.

I just called a friend of mine who opted for my current RE over this Large Clinic and she said that if it's cheaper it's worth checking out. She has a friend who went there and was really pleased with the service and now has 2 little tots.

This could delay the process - or not, given that my clinic has such a small pool who knows how long it will take. Yesterday the donor coordinator gave me the names of two donor egg agencies - but going that route will cost an additional $6k bringing the total up to $30,000 - which is a very unappealing option at the moment.

This is just not easy... any advice?

Pursuing A Baby to the Ends of the Earth

2007-01-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

This week's Washington Post Sunday Magazine has an article about a couple's journey to South Africa in pursuit of Donor Egg. The article Pursuing a Baby to the Ends of the Earth by Suz Redfearn discusses the new Reproductive Tourism.

It is also a reminder that there are never any guarantees...

Seeking Mental Wellness

2007-01-11T11:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to see my new Psychopharmocologist. Her specialty is pregnancy and post-partum. I had a sneaking suspicion I was in the right place when I spotted a picture of newborn twins in the lobby who shared a similar last name to my new psychiatrist.

It turns out that she is around my age (give or take) and pursued surrogacy for her son and IVF for her recent twins - so she gets it - the whole journey.

We spent 1 1/2 hours discussing my personal history, the last year with infertility and menopause and my experiences on and off hormones and related depression episode. We will be meeting again the end of next week after she is able to review my files from my previous psychiatrist to come up with a course of action.

Her preliminary recommendation: I am not a candidate for going off the SSRI depressants during pregancy. We should consider trying to move me on to a class 1 drug where more research exists as to effect on pregancy (like zoloft). She thinks that the toughest time for me (vis a vie mental state) will be while I am on Lupron pre-pregnancy (assuming that my RE decides that I need to be suppressed) and she is not concerned that the progesterone suppositories will cause any emotional side effects.

So this all feels like a relief. The only anxiety trigger in my meeting with her was her comment about her own pregnancy - she was on bedrest from 24 weeks on and she said she does not recommend it for anyone, meaning that having twins is not a great way to go given what it can do to you. Oy oy oy.

Now, let's get that goddamn donor confirmed!!! onward!

Children of Men

2007-01-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

If you are an infertile this movie hits close to home. Children of Men takes place 20 years in the future - there are no babies and civilization is grinding to a hault. The playgrounds are empty and the elementary schools are abandoned buildings.

The movie (and the book) suggests that without children, there is no hope and no future - no purpose. Quite a powerful message particularly for someone dealing with infertility.

The film has left me feeling unsettled with questions that I can't really answer.

Do we all need to procreate to perpetuate civilization?

Have I been chosen not to perpetuate my gene pool as part of some larger master plan?

Do children represent the hope of a better future?

What kind of society will our children inherit, and is that something they deserve to be thrust into?

Utah Donor May Not Pan Out

2007-01-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Just spoke with the DE Coordinator and they are still having problems coordinating with the Utah clinic. Two other couples are also waiting for the Utah clinic to respond because they want to start cycling now. It doesn't appear that the clinic is properly staffed to deal with all this East Coast demand.

I am not hopeful that things with the Utah clinic will improve - I told the DE coordinator to get on a plane and go out there to figure out what it going on and to assess the viability of the partnership.

In the meantime my RE's office goes on the air today with an aggressive media buy to recruit new donors. I am hoping that my donor prospect situation will be resolved by early February. Sigh.

BRAVE New World? Embryo Bank Stirs Ethics Fears

2007-01-06T08:52:00.000-05:00

'Embryo Bank' Stirs Ethics Fears
Firm Lets Clients Pick Among Fertilized Eggs
Washington Post 1/06/07

The latest in the exploitation of the Donor Egg trade is on the front page of Saturday's Washington Post. The Abraham Center of Life, based in San Antonio, TX, is the first commercial dealer making embryos in advanced for unspecified recipients. The goal, they claim is to make it more affordable for more people, embryos cost $2500. One batch of 22 embryos, created using genetically fit donors, were sold in batches of two to several different couples.

The fact is that donor egg, embryo and adopted embryo is a field that is ripe for abuse - there are no laws and cash is king.

But what about the people who want to be parents? The article quotes a woman who has already been through three failed donor attempts but refuses to stop trying.

Personally, my greatest fear is that they will make it illegal in the US before I can start my donor egg cycle. All this controversy just gives me a greater sense of urgency.

Adelaide, AU - Quaint City

2007-01-05T15:52:00.000-05:00

The RE has determined that labs from Australia are A-Ok. B* is actually not in Sydney (despite the photo), he is based in Adelaide which he describes as quaint, easy to get around and about 20 years behind.

Some of my favorites of his Adelaide observations:

-grocery store is in the basement of the Woolworths
-Everything is much smaller scale- not oversized like the US
-there is a Target and an Ikea(important brands in our household)
-He ate sushi that came around on a little train
-People are very laid back

Me, I go home every night and deal with the demands of 4 dogs. The other night the boys (dogs) went out in the back and started howling at the moon. B* said that dogs do this when a member of their pack is missing and thought to be dead. He was concerned that the dogs think he is dead.

NEW YEAR'S PROJECT

2007-01-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, B* is gone and I need something to fill my time for the next two months. I am starting this fitjournal so I can obsess about my health and fitness - and lose 10lbs before I see him in March.

It's kind of interesting and it will hold me accountable. I placed it on my sidebar for public access - yikes!

Fitday.com - my public journal

I Need More Worry Beads

2007-01-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

I never seem to have enough Worry Beads - I am always looking for new ways to worry about things that I can do nothing about in real time.

New worries:
1. Progesterone will make me suicidally depressed.
Given my bad performance on HRT that included progesterone (in contrast to my performance just on estrogen (vivelle patch) I am very worried about taking prometrium as part of the DE IVF treatment. I mentioned in a previous post that I am seeing a psycho pharmacologist next week and plan to discuss this with her. In the meantime I printed out all the prescribing info and have been studying the differences in molecular structure of prometrium and FemHRT (like I know what I am looking at with my BA in political science - nuts I know).

2. FDA Has Strict Requirements for Screening Tissue Donations.
The FDA 2 years ago issued some very stringent standards on tissue donation. Donors have to have a battery of tests before being cleared. B* hasn't had his tests done yet and is now in Australia. He plans to go next week and get all the bloodwork done but based on my examination of the regulations and guidelines I don't think that an Australian lab will be considered valid in the states. Now granted that we won't be collecting the sample until he is back this may not be a big deal. But it is something else for me to worry about.

3. Donor 124 is in Africa until February
We can't reach donor #124 because she is in Africa for the month. Although she has expressed interest in working with us we haven't confirmed and will probably not be able to until she is back from her trip. I just hope she doesn't decide that she is too busy studying for the MCAT to go through with this. The DE coordinator assured me that we have plenty of time to find someone else if this doesn't work out. Just another unknown to worry about.

see for yourself and let me know what you think:

DONOR TESTING: GENERAL (Â§ 1271.80)
A. Who may perform donor testing?
Required testing must be performed by a laboratory: (1) certified to perform such testing on human specimens under the Clinical Laboratory Improvement Amendments of 1988 (42 U.S.C. 263a) and 42 CFR part 493; or (2) meeting equivalent requirements as determined by CMS in accordance with those provisions (Â§ 1271.80(c)). Examples of the latter include Veterans Administration hospital laboratories, laboratories in states that have received exemptions from CMS, and laboratories that have been accredited by organizations approved by CMS.

Pick a Tarot Card

2006-12-29T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ok- I need to stop playing but I couldn't resist. Note, I am the "womb where ideas gestate"

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Women's Mood DisOrders

2006-12-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

There is some new research on SSRI's and pregnancy
SSRIs and Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn which suggests that it might not be such a good idea to take anti-depressents through out pregnancy.

I was always one of these people who thought the health of the mother was an important factor in pregnancy and weighing that against the unknown side effects to the unborn child seemed to balance out. Now with this new research I am not so sure.

I have been on meds for 13 years and have no idea what I might be like if I went off - it's been too long to remember life before my dopes. My recent bought with depression courtesy of the HRT meds is not a good foreshadowing for how I might fare au natural.

My dope doctor is retiring and he suggested that I go to see a psychopharmacologist who specializes in medication and pregnancy. I've located someone whose expertise is in the "women's lifecycle" which means I can talk to her about pregnancy and menopause all in the same breadth. I'm sure she will find me an interesting case.

I hope we can come up with a reasonable plan. Appointment Jan. 10th.

Stay tuned...
PS - she like everyone else is very expensive and doesn't take insurance.