Sunday, March 29, 2009

SAY IT AINT SO....

Have I abandoned my blog, my dreams, my wishes.
Definitely not.
I still read my bloglines daily and am fully up-to-date on everyone else's live's.

When all I keep doing is postponing life's plans how can that possibly be inspiring materials for a blogsite? and of course attacks from anonymous posters who try to help point out the obvious when it is not their lives....

So where am I? B* is back from downunder. He has been back since December and so after 2 years of uber long distance there is a readjustment. We are through the readjustment and now into the regular relationship mish-mash.

We are in a recession/depression and B* came back with no locked down form of income. He has spent the last 4 months lining things up which should come to fruition soon - although until you can fold it and put it in your back pocket you don't have it. His new gig will require some back and forth travel but also net lots of money.

He is scheduled to travel the end of April.

I have told him that when he comes back in May from his first big outing that is when I want to begin my baby pursuits. No time will ever be the right time, for him or for me - I know this intellectually and yet it is still hard to pull the trigger.

I have a credit line of $30k that I have access to at a very low interest rate so DE is possible, but my fantasy is to not have to crawl deeper into debt like everyone else and their brother.

So beyond my money fear, is the energy fear. I will be forty five next month (forty fucking five!) and I no longer have the superhuman strength of a 30 year old. Can an infant be raised by a full time 45 year working woman? Will I still have time to do my hair and makeup every morning before shooting off to the office? will i be in a perpetual coma of exhaustion incapable of coherent thoughts or speech?

Am I still waiting?

14 comments:

Benderochka said...

So glad you are back! Hold the vision! Go with what your heart says. Things will work out in the end in the best possible way for you.

Anonymous said...

No, you're not waiting. You've been done, over, finished, resolved - for a very very very long time. Maybe B was your excuse, maybe not. In either case, you're done. You have permission to get off the pot and get on with your life without motherhood.

There!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, this is very judgemental, very harsh and plain mean.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous #2, you think it's mean? Really?

Well, do this - put a flag in your calendar with this page linked and come back in twelve months - yeah, exactly one year from today.

See what's changed.

Anonymous said...

And so what? It is not your life. And there is a perfect timing for everything. I am sure she will get a child when she is ready and when she makes a decision. Your comments are very judgemental. You need to look inside yourself why is it that YOU have such a reaction and why you are bothered by someone's indecision.
I do not think blogs like these where people vent their feelings should be used to attack.

RGSMOM said...

Hey hope you are doing well. I follow your blog from time to time and wish you the best . I know A LOT of 45 year old moms !! You can do it !

InfertileNaomi said...

Just some advice to never abandon your dreams. We only get to live one life so live it well!

Anonymous said...

If you are not ready, don't do it. I proceeded way to quickly in the crazy quest to get pregnant and I succeeded with donor eggs and then hit a funk and a really hard wall I am still not out of. I think there is a very nice silver lining to childless living and I wish now that I had considered it more seriously. Good luck.

wsxwhx718 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Anonymous said...

Miss hearing from you. Hope you're well - whether you have pursued the baby thing or not. Be strong and well.
Sanki

Tor Hershman said...

A lot of 'Anonymous said...'s here.

Aida said...

You are Starting to make a baby at 45? what? this is insane.

I've just started reading many of these blogs as I have friends going through a lot of these issues, but really 45? to start? That is a first.

I'm a professional (Dr - PhD) and have been working my whole life, so I recognise and empathise with a desire to be involved in the workplace, to make a mark on something, to be involved in work you love. But even so - you still you need to start making babies a hell of a lot sooner than 45. Even assuming you have all the money in the world, and you and your husband/boyfriend are incredibly fertile, Starting to make a baby at 45 is absurd. I had my first child (of 4) at 34, and I thought that was late!! Having a child is not about you, it's about bringing another human being into the world, and giving them all the opportunities and love and parenting they deserve. To Start making babies at 45 is in my opinion (and in the opinion of the medical community, and, of course, biology/nature itself) far too old. Perhaps you have been successful in making a baby, and if you have been, and you are now a mother, I'm sure you will - ironically - agree with me.

Reading throgh the other comments here, I would tend to agree with the anonymous poster. I think you probably never Really wanted a child. If you had you would have started trying a lot sooner than 45.

If I'm wrong and you started many years ago, then I apologise for my post and I wish you the best - and hope it all works/ed out, but if you are only now - at 45 ?!! - starting to make babies then I stand by my comment.

Anonymous said...

Hey Ms. PhD, my mother had one child - me - at 46 and that was in 1966, long before fertility treatments. So I guess biology/nature thought she should. She wasn't the youngest mom of my friends but she was terrific all the same and I've done well myself. Don't make such general statements - makes you sound ignorant.

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