Sunday, March 29, 2009

SAY IT AINT SO....

Have I abandoned my blog, my dreams, my wishes.
Definitely not.
I still read my bloglines daily and am fully up-to-date on everyone else's live's.

When all I keep doing is postponing life's plans how can that possibly be inspiring materials for a blogsite? and of course attacks from anonymous posters who try to help point out the obvious when it is not their lives....

So where am I? B* is back from downunder. He has been back since December and so after 2 years of uber long distance there is a readjustment. We are through the readjustment and now into the regular relationship mish-mash.

We are in a recession/depression and B* came back with no locked down form of income. He has spent the last 4 months lining things up which should come to fruition soon - although until you can fold it and put it in your back pocket you don't have it. His new gig will require some back and forth travel but also net lots of money.

He is scheduled to travel the end of April.

I have told him that when he comes back in May from his first big outing that is when I want to begin my baby pursuits. No time will ever be the right time, for him or for me - I know this intellectually and yet it is still hard to pull the trigger.

I have a credit line of $30k that I have access to at a very low interest rate so DE is possible, but my fantasy is to not have to crawl deeper into debt like everyone else and their brother.

So beyond my money fear, is the energy fear. I will be forty five next month (forty fucking five!) and I no longer have the superhuman strength of a 30 year old. Can an infant be raised by a full time 45 year working woman? Will I still have time to do my hair and makeup every morning before shooting off to the office? will i be in a perpetual coma of exhaustion incapable of coherent thoughts or speech?

Am I still waiting?