Friday, September 19, 2008

Despite rumors of my demise ...I am still here

I can't believe that I haven't posted since June. I guess I think of this as my fertility blog, and when I am not in active motion, there is nothing to report, update or ponder.

I am not in active motion, I am at a dead stand still. B* is not back from Down Under, although he is now suggesting that he will be back for good by the end of 2008.

Given the economy, his paranoia about expenditures is very high and this may seem like an obvious statement for those of you who have been playing along on this blog, but I think that best case he is ambivalent.

So what about me, when I ponder this course of pursuing DE by myself I become terrified, others do it but Christ every day I am one day older and I feel it! my financials are a little better but still in the crapper, etcetera, etcetera.

But then I think what is life all about? Maybe I should be hunting for a different man and worrying about the baby later (since the fertility clock kicked the can 2 years ago). But I worry that I will be too old to keep up with a munchkin if I postpone much longer.

Then I started thinking that if I do this on my own, I could pursue embryo adoption which would cost a lot less.

Everyone is falling pregnant in infertile blog world, and my eyes are like laser beams on pregnant bellies all day long at work, the gym, shopping, everywhere a pregnant belly!

I am a sea of confusion and would welcome any illumination, if any one out there is still listening....


Selmada said...

I only found your blog earlier today, linked from someone elses (wish I could remember who).
I'm also on the DE route and single.
I don't know what inspiration has been sent your way in the past, but I'm heading back a second time to the Czech Republic for a DE/DS proceedure (June was a bfn). It's about 1/4 the cost of a US proceedure and you get a nice European vacation included in the price.
I'm still looking around for donated embryos, but they are not that easy to find. Good luck and feel free to poke me with questions if you want.

calliope said...

SO glad for an update from you! I can't imagine how torn you feel about all of this. In a way it is so much easier to be single and not on anyone else's time line. But I know you and B have been through a lot...

I will keep my ears open for any embryo donate programs. I know the clinic that I went to in the Northeast has such a program. Let me know if you want their info.

Hope for another post soon!

Anonymous said...

I've read your posts in the past and posted months ago and am not surprised to hear that B* is still down under. What I'm shocked to read is that he's still ambivalent, at best. No he's NOT. He decided a LONG time ago he's not interested.

Will you PLEASE stop wasting precious months and years from your life and pursue what is RIGHT FOR YOU!

Please?! Take a stand as an individual and as a woman and STOP waiting on some idiot who thinks NOTHING of stringing you along!

Honestly, stop claiming the following won't happen. Ask yourself how you're going to feel if 3 years from now B* tells you he's involved with someone else and that he's going to be a father?! That would be even more devastating!

Go do donor egg, donor embryo - whichever BUT DO IT! Or this unbelievable inertia will find you still without a real relationship and still without a child at 49. And you're right, that would be a bit too late to start trying to rectify this mess!

No, I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. I'm actually the best comment you get on your site. Think of me as the person who wrote "He's just not that into you." You desperately need tough love - not more "understanding" that helps you ruin yet another year and another. Crap! Take charge of your life, will you?!

As for lower cost donor egg (and I would highly recommend that over donor embryo - better chances of actually having it happen vs. waiting for a year or two for a donor embryo to become available and then having reduced odds of frozen over fresh. has split donor egg cycles (7K cost). It's in Syracuse.

God I hope I check in around Christmas and read that you're joyfully injecting yourself with Lupron and NOT that you're sitting around waiting for a rescue from the total dick down under.