Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Back ....what a pain.. Ankylosing Spondylitis (say what?)

So for the last year I have been dealing with back pain, which totally sucks and makes me worried that in addition to menopause, I am really not physically up to carrying another person around for 9 months or an infant, or a toddler. I often think I am on that slippery slope to crippleville.

When I was 29 - oh so many many moons ago, I developed some very bad back issues and at first attributed it to the fact that I did high impact aerobics 6 days a week (remember the early 90s?). But after seeing three doctors it was determined that I might have this genetic pre-disposition to this specific kind of arthritis, but the x-rays were inconclusive. They gave me the right drugs, I got better, and I was back in step aerobics a few weeks later.

So smooth sailing (for the most part) until last year - at first I thought it was from gardening, or maybe yoga class but 12 months later and desperate I went to the rheumatoligist. I had the MRI where you sit in the big giant tube for 30 minutes of deafening clicks and vibration and low and behold yes, the dreaded genetically transmitted arthritis - and now there is evidence in my sacrum joints (not too much damage thank goodness) but it was there on the MRI.

What does this mean, it is all about inflammation management and exercise to maintain flexibility. The worst case is that my vertebrae fuse and my spine becomes rigid. But they have lots of special drugs now to prevent this from happening - including these new biologics called TNF - but I'm not there yet.

The rheumatologist suggested that I do some reading on the Internet about AnkylosingSpondylitis and so I did. And I am glad I did. Because buried near the end of the piece I printed out was a section on pregnancy. It said, "Do not deny yourself pregnancy" - or at least that's how I remember it. And so I will not.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Less Self Pity

I am getting very tedious with all this self pity. I need to resolve to trade in the self pity for positive affirmations.

Now let me think....

B* is coming back
I am getting a promotion (soon)
I made my jenny craig goal weight at the end of December (4 months) and have maintained it (5 months)
I've recently joined a few social networking sites and am having fun reconnecting with people I haven't seen or spoken to in 26 years - (that is a long time!)
I'm reading Embryo Culture and enjoying it (i feel like I am reading the diary of someone I know - more on that later)
My baby boy is ready for intermediate dog agility (he is so cute!)

OK, how did I do?

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Land of the Rat Terriers

I have 4 dogs. They keep me very busy and entertained. I love them all for their different personalities and the relationships they have with each other.

Bozo, who is the athletic one, has now made it to intermediate level agility. We have been working/training for over a year and soon he will be ready to start competing (3 more months!). I am very proud of my baby boy.

Birthday Shmirthday

I celebrated my birthday last week. Actually, I don't think it is completely accurate to say "celebrated" maybe the word "mourned" is a better classification.

I don't know why, but I am completely obsessed with the notion of getting old. If I had a baby would this feeling stop? would this be the higher purpose that makes all the narcissistic angst vanish? I suspect that I do in fact harbor this fantasy that life will feel less finite with the birth of a child.

Nonetheless, the aging obsession has several data points,
1. pre-mature menopause (check)
2. severe lower back pain that has been with me for over a year (check)
3. this new flabbiness on the side of my breast that I find myself tucking into my underwire bra (check)
4. fatigue that no amount of coffee can seem to cure (check)
5. walking into a store at the montgomery mall called Vintage 1981 and being completely confused (check)