Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ameri*can Idol - My Theory

I am glad David Cook won. The other David aka "little kid" may be a great crooner but he was severely lacking in the personality department. Cook has an incredible likeability factor and I think he will do well.

Okay, so here is my theory. The final night of competition after Cook sang his last song, remember when Simon said he thought it was the wrong choice for the final show. Cook said it was about progression and he didn't agree. Camera cuts to Simon looking at Cook - and he WINKS.

I think, that because Simon was hard on Cook, viewers felt the need to vote for Cook, because Simon's harsh words put Cook in jeopardy of losing. In fact, Simon understands how all of this works (remember the week he was nice to Carly she lost?) and the wink was letting Cook know I am with you all the way, trust me.

Further proof, Simon apologized to Cook just before the results were read, saying that when he re-watched the performances he realized it was not a knock out.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Sex and th*e City - NOSTALGIA

Sex and the C*ity was my show all the way. I was 34 when it first aired and although bigger than life, it was my life in many ways. My single gal pals and I would toast the new season with Sour Apple Martinis glued to the screen.

I remember the new season first episode in season 4 maybe? I think, it was Carrie's birthday and no one shows up at the restaurant and she goes home glum as can be ruminating over all her issues. But of course in the end, her friends come to her rescue and another page is turned in the life of Carrie Bradshaw.

So here I am 10 years later, turning 4-4- next week and still ruminating over all my issues. I thought I would leave that behind in my 30's - that's what they are there for! But no, now I am having decade #2 of all the same issues - married, not married, baby, no baby, having it all, not having it all, oh and now unlike the first time around throw in Menopause and clearly visible signs of aging.

I have some trepidation about going to see the Sex and the City movie, will my life measure up to theirs? have they evolved while I have not...I signed up for a sweepstakes to win free tickets to a special preview showing that is scheduled to take place on my goddamn birthday. And now it is up to the fates to decide if this is what I do on my 44th.

My favorite line from the Carrie birthday episode, "Fuck, I'm old,"

To Be or Not to B*

on our 630 a.m. call this morning (remember it's 8 p.m. australia time) B* pronounced that he felt done in Australia and that he was ready to come back. they always come back in the end don't they?

so i'm a mix here of glee and dread. when i don't want to listen i just hang up or don't answer the phone. I eat what I want and watch all the trash tv that any sane human could possibly stand. I don't know how anxious he will to be to get going on the baby stuff and yet time is marching on - we both can almost legitmately rely on the I'm too old to have kids excuse.

So I think his return will be a mixed bag. But I have spent so much time in the waiting room (life's waiting room) that resolution atleast means forward movement in some direction or another. It's a start.

And next week I turn 44 - what an awfully big number. More on that soon.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

My Alec Obsession

I have an Alec obsession. He is my archetype of the attractive Male. I can't explain it, it just is so. I have had this crush on Alec Baldwin since I was in my twenties.

When I was in my early thirties I actually had the opportunity to get to know and work with him (he was newly married to Kim at the time and hoping to start a family). He was on the board of the organization I was working for at the time. My colleagues forbade me from talking about Alec I had become so obsessed. He would call me on the weekends to ask me questions and discuss politics. I was living a dream. Eventually I moved on to another job and my connection to Alec began to fade. I saw him again about a year after I left my job, he came up to me, "J- how are you," big kiss. I lapped it up. (embedded video)

I still have my Alec dreams. And in my dreams he is a complete rake, luring me in and then pushing me away - I wonder if this isn't part of my romantic archetype as well. When it was announced that he was getting divorced, I have to say my heart did flutter.

And yes, he is older now and has beefed up in the past few years, but for me it doesn't seem to matter. I am getting older too and he is still my crush.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Choice: the excercising of Fr*ee W*ill

I am working with a coach at work on my management style and she left the door open that she was available to help me with my personal goals as well as professional. I figure why not, the office is paying for it and they want me to see her until the end of August.

So I told her the boyfriend in Australia and I want to have a baby story - the abridged version. She recommended two readings, the first an excerpt from her book on divorce about "Choice" and the second a book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It's very new agey/western tradition/self actualization stuff but it is providing me with an additional perspective on my life and how I got to where I am at this moment in time.

The issue with Choice, and this is the point of all of this rambling, is that once you choose then the path will be clear. I have to choose to have a baby and then all my actions will point me in that direction. In many ways I have not chosen because I have not acted. Same thing with my relationship (notice she gave me a chapter in her book on divorce to read as I think about my relationship). I can choose not to be with him but I need to truly own it. I'm still feeling murky here even though everyone else seems to be shouting at me about this.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Then Sh*e Found ME

Then Sh*e Found ME
is an interesting movie. It wraps in so many of the TTC, relationship and Motherhood issues that made me want to just inhale deeply, take it all in, and then process after I left the theater.

Helen Hunt wrote the screen adaptation and plays the lead. I admire her courage to take on this subject and to be one of the rare Hollywood starlets not to aggressively go under the knife to conceal the aging process. Bette Midler on the other hand, is starting to look like a claymation character.

Back to the movie, Then Sh*e Found ME is about a woman on the precipice of 40, dealing with relationships, the desire to have a baby and what to do with the Mother who put you up for adoption who suddenly shows up after all these years.

What is stirs in me: the hunger for a child even though the relationship does not appear to be properly in place (no white picket fence) and what will it mean if I go the donor route and the absence of a genetic connection.

An interesting film choice for Mother's day if you are feeling intellectually entrepeneurial.

I'm Back.....

I'm back, or at least trying to be back as an active blogger. I never really "left," I have been lurking the whole time, just too forlorn to post. Not enough to say, too much to say, tired of saying the same thing and yet never making any progress.

But now I am resolved to be back. I may be that tree falling in the forest that no one hears but I am back anyways.