Friday, October 10, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
I am not in active motion, I am at a dead stand still. B* is not back from Down Under, although he is now suggesting that he will be back for good by the end of 2008.
Given the economy, his paranoia about expenditures is very high and this may seem like an obvious statement for those of you who have been playing along on this blog, but I think that best case he is ambivalent.
So what about me, when I ponder this course of pursuing DE by myself I become terrified, others do it but Christ every day I am one day older and I feel it! my financials are a little better but still in the crapper, etcetera, etcetera.
But then I think what is life all about? Maybe I should be hunting for a different man and worrying about the baby later (since the fertility clock kicked the can 2 years ago). But I worry that I will be too old to keep up with a munchkin if I postpone much longer.
Then I started thinking that if I do this on my own, I could pursue embryo adoption which would cost a lot less.
Everyone is falling pregnant in infertile blog world, and my eyes are like laser beams on pregnant bellies all day long at work, the gym, shopping, everywhere a pregnant belly!
I am a sea of confusion and would welcome any illumination, if any one out there is still listening....
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
So for the last year I have been dealing with back pain, which totally sucks and makes me worried that in addition to menopause, I am really not physically up to carrying another person around for 9 months or an infant, or a toddler. I often think I am on that slippery slope to crippleville.
When I was 29 - oh so many many moons ago, I developed some very bad back issues and at first attributed it to the fact that I did high impact aerobics 6 days a week (remember the early 90s?). But after seeing three doctors it was determined that I might have this genetic pre-disposition to this specific kind of arthritis, but the x-rays were inconclusive. They gave me the right drugs, I got better, and I was back in step aerobics a few weeks later.
So smooth sailing (for the most part) until last year - at first I thought it was from gardening, or maybe yoga class but 12 months later and desperate I went to the rheumatoligist. I had the MRI where you sit in the big giant tube for 30 minutes of deafening clicks and vibration and low and behold yes, the dreaded genetically transmitted arthritis - and now there is evidence in my sacrum joints (not too much damage thank goodness) but it was there on the MRI.
What does this mean, it is all about inflammation management and exercise to maintain flexibility. The worst case is that my vertebrae fuse and my spine becomes rigid. But they have lots of special drugs now to prevent this from happening - including these new biologics called TNF - but I'm not there yet.
The rheumatologist suggested that I do some reading on the Internet about AnkylosingSpondylitis and so I did. And I am glad I did. Because buried near the end of the piece I printed out was a section on pregnancy. It said, "Do not deny yourself pregnancy" - or at least that's how I remember it. And so I will not.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Now let me think....
B* is coming back
I am getting a promotion (soon)
I made my jenny craig goal weight at the end of December (4 months) and have maintained it (5 months)
I've recently joined a few social networking sites and am having fun reconnecting with people I haven't seen or spoken to in 26 years - (that is a long time!)
I'm reading Embryo Culture and enjoying it (i feel like I am reading the diary of someone I know - more on that later)
My baby boy is ready for intermediate dog agility (he is so cute!)
OK, how did I do?
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Bozo, who is the athletic one, has now made it to intermediate level agility. We have been working/training for over a year and soon he will be ready to start competing (3 more months!). I am very proud of my baby boy.
I celebrated my birthday last week. Actually, I don't think it is completely accurate to say "celebrated" maybe the word "mourned" is a better classification.
I don't know why, but I am completely obsessed with the notion of getting old. If I had a baby would this feeling stop? would this be the higher purpose that makes all the narcissistic angst vanish? I suspect that I do in fact harbor this fantasy that life will feel less finite with the birth of a child.
Nonetheless, the aging obsession has several data points,
1. pre-mature menopause (check)
2. severe lower back pain that has been with me for over a year (check)
3. this new flabbiness on the side of my breast that I find myself tucking into my underwire bra (check)
4. fatigue that no amount of coffee can seem to cure (check)
5. walking into a store at the montgomery mall called Vintage 1981 and being completely confused (check)
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I am glad David Cook won. The other David aka "little kid" may be a great crooner but he was severely lacking in the personality department. Cook has an incredible likeability factor and I think he will do well.
Okay, so here is my theory. The final night of competition after Cook sang his last song, remember when Simon said he thought it was the wrong choice for the final show. Cook said it was about progression and he didn't agree. Camera cuts to Simon looking at Cook - and he WINKS.
I think, that because Simon was hard on Cook, viewers felt the need to vote for Cook, because Simon's harsh words put Cook in jeopardy of losing. In fact, Simon understands how all of this works (remember the week he was nice to Carly she lost?) and the wink was letting Cook know I am with you all the way, trust me.
Further proof, Simon apologized to Cook just before the results were read, saying that when he re-watched the performances he realized it was not a knock out.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sex and the C*ity was my show all the way. I was 34 when it first aired and although bigger than life, it was my life in many ways. My single gal pals and I would toast the new season with Sour Apple Martinis glued to the screen.
I remember the new season first episode in season 4 maybe? I think, it was Carrie's birthday and no one shows up at the restaurant and she goes home glum as can be ruminating over all her issues. But of course in the end, her friends come to her rescue and another page is turned in the life of Carrie Bradshaw.
So here I am 10 years later, turning 4-4- next week and still ruminating over all my issues. I thought I would leave that behind in my 30's - that's what they are there for! But no, now I am having decade #2 of all the same issues - married, not married, baby, no baby, having it all, not having it all, oh and now unlike the first time around throw in Menopause and clearly visible signs of aging.
I have some trepidation about going to see the Sex and the City movie, will my life measure up to theirs? have they evolved while I have not...I signed up for a sweepstakes to win free tickets to a special preview showing that is scheduled to take place on my goddamn birthday. And now it is up to the fates to decide if this is what I do on my 44th.
My favorite line from the Carrie birthday episode, "Fuck, I'm old,"
so i'm a mix here of glee and dread. when i don't want to listen i just hang up or don't answer the phone. I eat what I want and watch all the trash tv that any sane human could possibly stand. I don't know how anxious he will to be to get going on the baby stuff and yet time is marching on - we both can almost legitmately rely on the I'm too old to have kids excuse.
So I think his return will be a mixed bag. But I have spent so much time in the waiting room (life's waiting room) that resolution atleast means forward movement in some direction or another. It's a start.
And next week I turn 44 - what an awfully big number. More on that soon.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
When I was in my early thirties I actually had the opportunity to get to know and work with him (he was newly married to Kim at the time and hoping to start a family). He was on the board of the organization I was working for at the time. My colleagues forbade me from talking about Alec I had become so obsessed. He would call me on the weekends to ask me questions and discuss politics. I was living a dream. Eventually I moved on to another job and my connection to Alec began to fade. I saw him again about a year after I left my job, he came up to me, "J- how are you," big kiss. I lapped it up. (embedded video)
I still have my Alec dreams. And in my dreams he is a complete rake, luring me in and then pushing me away - I wonder if this isn't part of my romantic archetype as well. When it was announced that he was getting divorced, I have to say my heart did flutter.
And yes, he is older now and has beefed up in the past few years, but for me it doesn't seem to matter. I am getting older too and he is still my crush.
Monday, May 12, 2008
So I told her the boyfriend in Australia and I want to have a baby story - the abridged version. She recommended two readings, the first an excerpt from her book on divorce about "Choice" and the second a book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It's very new agey/western tradition/self actualization stuff but it is providing me with an additional perspective on my life and how I got to where I am at this moment in time.
The issue with Choice, and this is the point of all of this rambling, is that once you choose then the path will be clear. I have to choose to have a baby and then all my actions will point me in that direction. In many ways I have not chosen because I have not acted. Same thing with my relationship (notice she gave me a chapter in her book on divorce to read as I think about my relationship). I can choose not to be with him but I need to truly own it. I'm still feeling murky here even though everyone else seems to be shouting at me about this.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Then Sh*e Found ME is an interesting movie. It wraps in so many of the TTC, relationship and Motherhood issues that made me want to just inhale deeply, take it all in, and then process after I left the theater.
Helen Hunt wrote the screen adaptation and plays the lead. I admire her courage to take on this subject and to be one of the rare Hollywood starlets not to aggressively go under the knife to conceal the aging process. Bette Midler on the other hand, is starting to look like a claymation character.
Back to the movie, Then Sh*e Found ME is about a woman on the precipice of 40, dealing with relationships, the desire to have a baby and what to do with the Mother who put you up for adoption who suddenly shows up after all these years.
What is stirs in me: the hunger for a child even though the relationship does not appear to be properly in place (no white picket fence) and what will it mean if I go the donor route and the absence of a genetic connection.
An interesting film choice for Mother's day if you are feeling intellectually entrepeneurial.
I'm back, or at least trying to be back as an active blogger. I never really "left," I have been lurking the whole time, just too forlorn to post. Not enough to say, too much to say, tired of saying the same thing and yet never making any progress.
But now I am resolved to be back. I may be that tree falling in the forest that no one hears but I am back anyways.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
She turned 93 last month, so I console myself with the fact that she has had a long life. Filled with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, loving husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She has seen it all. But I will miss her.
I try to trick myself into thinking that in most ways she is already gone because she has not really been conscious since her stroke 3 weeks ago. I went to see her in the hospital and it was sad, scary and grim. I knew when I looked into her face that what I saw was a person who was dying, barely the grandma that I use to cuddle in bed with when I was small.
I know I am lucky. I had a grandma for 43 years which is a long, long time. I always like to think that the grandchild role is a special one. I was the first grandaughter.
My Mother, who is insane, is making this all about her which is creating an unwelcomed distraction. I am dreading having to deal with her over the next few weeks.
I regret not being able to give my grandma another great grandchild. I also feel guilty knowing that the genetic connection ends with me. I will not be passing along the long line that my grandma represented.
The picture up above was taken when my grandmother was thirteen, full of promise and life. I like this image, it is one of hope and optimism.
The day before her stroke she went to the beauty parlor (for the last time). It was a great pleasure that she never gave up on. Her white hair was cut and fluffed and her nails freshly manicured in pearlized baby pink.
This picture was taken infront of her apartment building, the building she lived in until the day she went to the hospital 3 weeks ago. She moved in when the building opened in 1942.
It gives me great comfort to know that she still cared to look her best. At 93 she still managed to put on her lipstick and draw on her eyebrows before she went out in public.
This is the grandma I will always remember.
Friday, January 04, 2008
4 years ago I had great cholesterol and now I am suddenly high risk - and 100 points higher.
I thought that losing 15lbs (yea!) would help bring my number down, but clearly menopause trumps weight loss.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Ok, I am a little behind given that this article came out last month. I discovered this article while receiving a yummy pedicure at my favorite Vietnamese nail place.
Given that I have not ovulated in 17 months I assume I am a lost cause and no diet is going to resurrect what damaged DNA I may have left.