Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Xmas Holiday - Best wishes to all...

I was feeling bitter yesterday, less so now...maybe I feel better because it is sunny and clear and my usual aches and pains have subsided.

I always associate the holidays with family time and it makes my longing for my own family all the greater. Yesterday at the market all the carts were in use except for the ones with the baby carriers - and it struck me, here I am again, pushing a grocery cart with an empty baby carrier. I stuck my fire logs in the baby carrier so it would seem less empty as I made my way through the aisles and last minute shopping hysteria.

B* is not here, and not sure if he is going to visit from Australia at all in between semesters. He thinks we need to economize - a hard point to argue against. He is obsessed with the collapsing economy - I get a daily 6:30 a.m. flash report on the status of the US economy, why the labor department statistics are wrong, whose bailing out who, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I suspect that he is, underneath it all, afraid of the commitment to me, a future family, the mortgage....and so I wait. Foolish perhaps.

In my heart of hearts I know that I will have a baby in 2008. Either DE or ED (embryo donation) - kind of cool how the letters reverse - an appropriate symmetry. ED is an intriguing option, basically the cost of an FET and something to consider. I have not yet broached the topic of ED with B* - not sure how he will respond.

I am so proud of all my fellow blogofiles who have worked so hard in 2007 to build their families. And I have all my fingers and toes crossed for Callie during her 2ww

This is not a new year's post, but I think that we should all resolve to make 2008 the year of family creation.

I am up for a (small) promotion at work and have my fingers crossed that the financial bump up will put me in a better position to move forward.

I have now shed a total of 14 lbs courtesy of Jenny Craig and am working hard to get in shape - abdominals and all. I feel much better about my body, better than I have felt in probably 6 or 7 years - it has become much more fun getting dressed, and dressed up.

So today is a day of reflection. I am going to light a fire, organize my bills (blech), knit, take the dogs for a long walk and take deep long breathes.

(that's my GM on the right - her birthday is in 2 weeks - she will be 93!)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Babes in Blogland - I am not alone

Here I am in business attire on a recent trip to Korea.

After not blogging for nearly 2 months I figured that I had been left in the dust.

In a moment of utter anxiety and pain I posted and voila - the Babes of Blogland were at my side as if no time at all had passed since my last communique. It is a really nice feeling to know that I am not alone - it makes a huge difference.

It was a real slap upside the head to discover that the DE Coordinator, who knows my whole life story, is no longer working in my RE's office.

Upon reflection this cuts both ways - I don't have to make any excuses for why it is taking so long, I can just start fresh with a new DE coordinator and not fill in all the back story.

I do want to investigate donor embryo a bit more - it is starting to feel like a serious option.

Thanks again to all the wonderful, brave women out there who give me hope and strength.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Mail Delivery Subsystem

Dear DE coordinator at My RE's office:

- It's me Jade, the forever in-waiting mode patient. I said I would contact you towards the end of the year to discuss next steps.

Without boring you with too many details - I do not think that B* is as serious about this as I am - and financially I really can't swing donor egg on my own. So I am at a crossroads.

Option 1 - Wait until B* is back in the US (probably May) and then see if he will come around.

Option 2 -Proceed without him one way or the other.

So if I go with Option 2 - I am wondering if I should be considering embryo adoption. Here are my questions:

Does My RE's office do embryo adoption?
As a single, 43 year old female, will I be an unattractive candidate?
What are the costs involved?
What would be the next steps?

I wish my outlook for donor egg was brighter - but why do donor egg, if the sperm is not coming from your designated partner. Please email me back any info you have and let's try to connect if you are in town during the next few days. My phone: xxxx (cell)

Thanks, Jade

From: Mail Delivery Subsystem [MAILER-DAEMON@aol.com]

To: Jade

Subject: User Unknown

very bad, very bad indeed. Even the DE coordinator has moved on with her life.