Okay, I am finally starting to calm down after the little sister craziness. Not that her train wreck is over, but I internalized a lot of it. My own feelings of instability, what if scenarios and it could happen to me stuff.
I think that if B* were here and fully present and supportive as a partner I would not feel so tenuous. But, the truth is that even when he is here he is not a pillar of support and calm. I have to find the calm myself, unless I change partners.
So I held a baby today.
My friend just had one - she went to the same RE as me, and boom first month of IUI she gets pregnant (her partner is a woman so she used donor sperm). Now, she is younger (36) but, well you all know how it feels, everyone else but not me. And I started this roller coaster well before she did. Her baby was very sweet, with a gigantic head (which in my book is a good thing) and lots of plumpness (also good). 7 weeks new.
I was impressed with how calm my friend was with the baby (she is one of my most neurotic and high strung friends) -- which means there is hope for me as a mother.
Maybe, hmmm, her calm with her little girl, made me feel more calm about everything: being a mom, limited support from B* (or none), and pulling it all off successfully.
I CAN DO THIS!!!!