Thursday, August 30, 2007

A run of bad luck - what else is new?

I've had a run of bad luck this last week:

I crashed my car into another car (i'm fine) resulting in major league auto repair so insurance rates are likely to go up in the near future.

I had a major electrical short in my house resulting in half the house being without power for several days until an electrician could come in and get it fixed.

My back, which has been acting funny most of the summer, is now really out of whack and I had to go to the doctor for real drugs and am waiting for a call back from the physical therapist to schedule a series of appointments.

Commons themes: things are breaking, money is going out the door

My master plan to re-engage in real estate as a side business to make extra money has turned into a bit of a bust with the current financial conditions driving everyone out of the market and into hiding.

So where is my silver lining?

Monday, August 20, 2007

Confessions of a QVC Addict....

There are days when I sit in front of the TV hypnotized by QVC. I've always been a shopper - I am the shopping mall generation (somewhere between baby boomer and X) and there is just something very comforting about shopping.

This past weekend I watched in excess of 10 hours of QVC - it was a philosophy product showcase.

And then last night, after I finished watching the season finale of my favorite show Family Jewels I flipped the channel back to QVC -- and low and behold make up guru Mally and sure enough I found myself dialing QVC at 10:57 p.m. so that I could purchase the 6 piece on the go girl kit!

ok, so no I am back to reality and no more shopping!!!!

What country are you?

Just for fun ---

You're Ireland!

Mystical and rain-soaked, you remain mysterious to many people, and this
makes you intriguing.  You also like a good night at the pub, though many are just as
worried that you will blow up the pub as drink your beverage of choice.  You're good
with words, remarkably lucky, and know and enjoy at least fifteen ways of eating a potato.
 You really don't like snakes.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Thursday, August 16, 2007

single moms

Some of my favorite blogs are single mom blogs -

I think it's because I feel like I am doing this all by myself in many ways. B* is inconsistent at best and if this is something that I want I will probably have to do it myself.

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and she pointed out, "what is there to fear, you are already doing it by yourself."

I think I am still holding on to the fantasy that some day someone is going to take care of me -

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Okay, I am finally starting to calm down after the little sister craziness. Not that her train wreck is over, but I internalized a lot of it. My own feelings of instability, what if scenarios and it could happen to me stuff.

I think that if B* were here and fully present and supportive as a partner I would not feel so tenuous. But, the truth is that even when he is here he is not a pillar of support and calm. I have to find the calm myself, unless I change partners.

So I held a baby today.

My friend just had one - she went to the same RE as me, and boom first month of IUI she gets pregnant (her partner is a woman so she used donor sperm). Now, she is younger (36) but, well you all know how it feels, everyone else but not me. And I started this roller coaster well before she did. Her baby was very sweet, with a gigantic head (which in my book is a good thing) and lots of plumpness (also good). 7 weeks new.

I was impressed with how calm my friend was with the baby (she is one of my most neurotic and high strung friends) -- which means there is hope for me as a mother.

Maybe, hmmm, her calm with her little girl, made me feel more calm about everything: being a mom, limited support from B* (or none), and pulling it all off successfully.


Friday, August 03, 2007

Up in Flames

Earlier this week I received a call from my sister that she had been fired from her job in nyc - it's an admin job and not very taxing so it was a bit of shock to think she would be let go for performance related issues. So this was depressing, my 38 year old sister being fired from a job for which she is overqualified. But she is getting a severance and can always temp- but it feels like a very dead end blow.

I mention her age because she lives the life of a 22 year old, going to concerts, staying out all night partying. She even showed up at my grandmother's 90th birthday 30 minutes late (1 p.m.) in the clothes from the night before.

So I get to work this morning and she calls me in tears. There has been a fire in her apartment, the kitchen is destroyed and everything in the apartment is on the floor and soaking wet. So I asked,
"when did the fire start?"
her answer "they think around 4 am"
and I say, "where were you?"
"hanging out with friends in Williamsburg"
"when did you get back and find out about the fire?"
"7 a.m. this morning" so now I am not feeling that sympathetic, but then she continues,
"My cat died in the fire" - when I heard her say this I just lost it,
I started screaming about her ridiculous lifestyle and how things need to change.

I feel sick thinking about the cat. What a horrible thing to happen to a little innocent creature, to die alone in an apartment fire, while her "mom" was partying it up in Williamsburg.

The cause of the fire was a can of scotch guard that exploded under the sink (combustion caused by heat).

Everything in her apartment is water and smoke damaged and she has no insurance.

I called B* and broke out into sobs over the cat, which then turned to a plea for us to have a normal like - " I just can't take much more of this" I told him.

I am going home from work early today so I can go hug my dogs.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Calling the Donor Coordinator

I just called the Donor Coordinator in my RE's office. I had to tell her that I am not ready to get started. I asked her not to give up on me and not to kick me out the program. Sounds sort of desperate and pathetic....
She was understanding and supportive. Now she has to convince my donor not to give up on me and the donor egg poor donor has been postponed twice now on my account and I feel bad for doing this to her.
Where we left things: I am calling the RE's office in 2 months (October 1) to confirm the calendar for a target transfer date of December 10th. If we don't do the transfer that week we will have to wait until Mid-January because the lab will be closed. I don't want to wait until mid-January - for many reasons.
I discussed the contingency of donor sperm if B* flakes on me completely. She said this is no problem.
Interesting side note: she told me that when there is male factor infertility they often mix the sperm of the husband/male partner with that of a donor's - resulting in a greater chance of fertilization. It's interesting to me because this means you really don't know who the "father" is unless you do genetic testing in these cases.
I am very excited for Lara who got some good news this week after a very long journey.