I sometimes wonder if in my subconscious I really don't want a baby. After all I am 43 and I don't have one.
I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post about going it alone. It is very hard to pull the trigger on a big decision like this. When you have a partner who is ambivalent about having a baby (or terrified) sometimes it is easier to simply do nothing, instead of deciding to move forward without them.
So where am I in all of this? Well B* is not coming home to visit in August, he will be back at the end of November for 6 weeks and then gone again for 3 more months (and hopefully this will be the end of his teaching duty in AU). But the truth is, he is far from chomping at the bit to get this baby making adventure started. I told him this could be a deal breaker for our relationship - I don't think he took me seriously.
I keep reminding myself that he needs me more than I need him.
I've decided to once again revise my timeline - with DE this is possible in a way that it would not be were I set on using my own genetic matter. I said I was going to move forward without him in August but I just don't feel ready. I've decided to give myself permission to wait until December. If he won't step up then, I simply need to let go of the fantasy of doing this with him as a partner. Even if he is supportive and ante's up, the truth is that he may never be a true partner in this endeavor.
So my new project is to work towards fiscal and emotional readiness to start this journey, alone if necessary in late fall/early winter.
Many of my blog world friends are having the babies now, that were mere glimmers when I first joined blogland. It is hard to drag this out as long as I have, but I need to be clear and I am not quite there.