Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Baby Dreams

I sometimes wonder if in my subconscious I really don't want a baby. After all I am 43 and I don't have one.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post about going it alone. It is very hard to pull the trigger on a big decision like this. When you have a partner who is ambivalent about having a baby (or terrified) sometimes it is easier to simply do nothing, instead of deciding to move forward without them.

So where am I in all of this? Well B* is not coming home to visit in August, he will be back at the end of November for 6 weeks and then gone again for 3 more months (and hopefully this will be the end of his teaching duty in AU). But the truth is, he is far from chomping at the bit to get this baby making adventure started. I told him this could be a deal breaker for our relationship - I don't think he took me seriously.

I keep reminding myself that he needs me more than I need him.

I've decided to once again revise my timeline - with DE this is possible in a way that it would not be were I set on using my own genetic matter. I said I was going to move forward without him in August but I just don't feel ready. I've decided to give myself permission to wait until December. If he won't step up then, I simply need to let go of the fantasy of doing this with him as a partner. Even if he is supportive and ante's up, the truth is that he may never be a true partner in this endeavor.

So my new project is to work towards fiscal and emotional readiness to start this journey, alone if necessary in late fall/early winter.

Many of my blog world friends are having the babies now, that were mere glimmers when I first joined blogland. It is hard to drag this out as long as I have, but I need to be clear and I am not quite there.


Benderochka said...

I think you made the best decision for yourself at this point. Just wait and see how you feel in late fall/early winter. Things have a tendency of sorting themselves out and falling into places by themself. In the meantime, try to take good care of yourself (emotionally and physically)- really, I mean it - this baby wherever it comes from and whenever it comes to you will need a healthy mommy. Try to be gentle to yourself and have fun, ok? Do not think too much until your deadline comes.
You are in a very difficult and painful situation but you are handling it with so much grace. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, but things will be ok in the end.

daisy said...

I have known other couples in similar situations...one on board the other just absent in someway. I am so sorry you are having to deal with so much. Giving yourself time seems like a great idea. It's just a couple of months. It may be just what you need.
Hang in there. We are all still out here with you.
Big HUG,

Summer said...

You don't have to explain to me about how it is to not feel ready. DE was the way I thought I would have to go since two years ago and it is only recently that it has felt completely right.

This is a huge decision and you need to feel right with it before moving to it.

calliope said...

You did good. These are not small life decisions- these are huge. Setting up a time line- of any length- can be very healthy & empowering.

thinking of you.