Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Baby Dreams

I sometimes wonder if in my subconscious I really don't want a baby. After all I am 43 and I don't have one.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post about going it alone. It is very hard to pull the trigger on a big decision like this. When you have a partner who is ambivalent about having a baby (or terrified) sometimes it is easier to simply do nothing, instead of deciding to move forward without them.

So where am I in all of this? Well B* is not coming home to visit in August, he will be back at the end of November for 6 weeks and then gone again for 3 more months (and hopefully this will be the end of his teaching duty in AU). But the truth is, he is far from chomping at the bit to get this baby making adventure started. I told him this could be a deal breaker for our relationship - I don't think he took me seriously.

I keep reminding myself that he needs me more than I need him.

I've decided to once again revise my timeline - with DE this is possible in a way that it would not be were I set on using my own genetic matter. I said I was going to move forward without him in August but I just don't feel ready. I've decided to give myself permission to wait until December. If he won't step up then, I simply need to let go of the fantasy of doing this with him as a partner. Even if he is supportive and ante's up, the truth is that he may never be a true partner in this endeavor.

So my new project is to work towards fiscal and emotional readiness to start this journey, alone if necessary in late fall/early winter.

Many of my blog world friends are having the babies now, that were mere glimmers when I first joined blogland. It is hard to drag this out as long as I have, but I need to be clear and I am not quite there.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Trying Not to Think...

I am trying not to think right now. I texted B* to say "I am done. I am sick of being lead on, I want a child. Leave me alone."

And now there is radio silence. I usually speak to him twice a day and we email, remember he is in Australia. So nothing now since Wednesday morning when I received his ridiculous email that said nothing about DE, and was instead a rant about how I manipulate him and he will come home to visit in August only if it makes sense for his schedule.

I sometimes wonder why I bother.

So far comments comments are leaning towards embryo adoption. Which is my inclination as well. But what about Sheryl Crow, she seems so cool, moving on after Lance and Cancer and adopting. Of course she has tons of $$$$. I also strangely think I would be more in control going the donor embryo route but who knows....

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Paper Moon - Choices

What is real and what isn't?

I have been warned by several people in my life to judge B* on his actions, not his words. He has a very powerful unconcious. He doesn't always live up to his promises.

Last february we agreed to postpone the DE cycle until September for financial reasons. So here we are on the verge of August and I am starting to get the impression that he is looking for more reasons for us not to get started.

This is very depressing, naturally. The truth is that he may never be ready.

So now I am facing the reality of the going it alone route and what that would look like. Here are my options (blogger input on options requested):

1. go forward with already identified donor and obtain donor sperm ($25,000+)
2. go the embryo adoption route - using some one else embies on ice ($5,000)
3. known donor - find someone who I know who donate eggs & use donor sperm ($17,000)
4. go the adoption route ($15,000-$40,000)
5. wait for B* to come around and then do DE with him

Thursday, July 05, 2007

What is there to say?

No big reports from Lies My Mother Told Me except to say that it is looking like B* will be in Australia through November. He has promised me he will come home for a visit in August.

This raises the stakes in a huge way on the DE front. It means that for the 1 week that he is in the states I will have to drag him down to the RE's office and get him to sign all of the paperwork, write a big check and go and do his business in the room with the magazines. From past experience, I know that these type of scenarios result in meltdown and retreat. But I have been waiting to move on DE now for 9 months!!!! an entire pregnancy - and I have watched two cycles of baby birds go from the egg stage to full birth and feathers on my window sill.

My greatest fear is that he is just stringing me along with no intent to ever move forward. If this is the case, drastic measures may be warranted. I really really don't want to be forced into this position, and I refuse to let my mind go there, but 30 days from now I may be forced to. But for now, there is nothing to say.