Wednesday, May 16, 2007

What is going on ...Life is hard?

This is an update post.

B* was here for 10 days and then went back to Australia to teach for the next 12 weeks. He can't say one way or the other if he will have the fall semester off - he loves his work but hates being away. Not a great combination - makes it tough on all involved.

I spoke with the DE coordinator and told her that our plan is to start up in August. At least I think this is "our" plan. If it's just my plan then so be it. B* is suppose to be back mid-August - either for the fall or for a visit. My thought is that this is when we start the donor cycle and sync everything up for a September transfer. If B* has to go back in the fall then I will ask him to make a deposit before departing.

My greatest fear is that he will wimp out and find an excuse not to come home in August and then I am on my own. He has insisted that we not finance this, we pay cash and that by the end of the summer we should (he should) be able to come up with the money to make the payment. I've mentioned that I've picked up the real estate again to try and make some extra cash this summer towards this goal. So far no clients but it takes time to get rolling.

I worry about B* and all of this flux and ambivalence. I am turning 43 in a few weeks and I may be a good shape but I am not superhuman. I've laid off my cleaning service to save some cash and announced to my therapy group that I am leaving (I've been there for nearly 14 years). The combined savings of these two actions is $600/month. Of Course my therapist is concerned that B* will flake and that I wont move forward but once again extend the deadline. She thinks now is not a good time to leave therapy. It never is a good time to leave.

Life feels hard.


Drowned Girl said...

I wish the path was a bit clearer and you knew what support you'll be getting.

Changing Expectations said...

I am so sorry that things are so difficult right now. I am thinking about you.

Benderochka said...

I know you are a survivor. I have been following your blog and really admire your inner strength.
I am so sure, Jade that you will make it and I am sure you will sort things out with B and September cycle. You are doing all you possibly can.
Just believe in yourself, love yourself, and visualize a good outcome. In the end, things will turn out to be ok, they always do, no matter what happens.


Summer said...

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things to try to make this IVF in September happen (cut down on your expenses, try to make extra income, not to mention all the coordination for the cycle) but B's only "commitment" to this so far is a maybe that he will be able to provide the finances.

Will you be able to and be willing to do the upcoming cycle without B? Or could you make all the plans and arrangements to proceed with a cycle, but live with the fact that there may be a good chance things will fall through?

I know these are hard questions. I don't mean to make life harder for you by asking them, but I do want to see you have a chance to have the baby you want so much. And I think there is a way to create some certainty for yourself even though none of the choices are ideal.

Try to remember, nothing ever stays the same forever, whether they are good things or bad things. You will find your way through this somehow.