Waiting to begin a process that could just as easily start with the swipe of a credit card is excruciating.
B* will be back in less than 4 weeks from Australia which is a relief. He still wants to wait until September to start the DE process which feels interminable. He says our money position will be better by then. I fear that he will never feel like we have enough money.
Life feels like a series of distractions - waiting for September to arrive. Agility dog training and building an obstacle course at home so we can practice during the week, reinstating my real estate license so I can start selling houses in addition to my full time job - all of it to fill up the big space that is suppose to be the pregnancy that has yet to materialize.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a fraud, playing at trying to have a baby but that it really is never going to happen. It is just some delusion that manages to take up significant brain capacity.
Did I mention that the last time AF showed up was last July. Some would find this a relief. To me it is the bell in the clock tower tolling loudly that I am getting older and older by the minute. And still no baby.
I guess I am feeling a little grim.