Monday, April 09, 2007

Baby Wait

Waiting to begin a process that could just as easily start with the swipe of a credit card is excruciating.

B* will be back in less than 4 weeks from Australia which is a relief. He still wants to wait until September to start the DE process which feels interminable. He says our money position will be better by then. I fear that he will never feel like we have enough money.

Life feels like a series of distractions - waiting for September to arrive. Agility dog training and building an obstacle course at home so we can practice during the week, reinstating my real estate license so I can start selling houses in addition to my full time job - all of it to fill up the big space that is suppose to be the pregnancy that has yet to materialize.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a fraud, playing at trying to have a baby but that it really is never going to happen. It is just some delusion that manages to take up significant brain capacity.

Did I mention that the last time AF showed up was last July. Some would find this a relief. To me it is the bell in the clock tower tolling loudly that I am getting older and older by the minute. And still no baby.

I guess I am feeling a little grim.


Drowned Girl said...

Waiting is just endless, isn't it. :-(

But time does pass quickly in the end. And at least with DE, the biological clock is less of an issue.

I hope you can enjoy your Summer.

Lara said...

I know how you feel about getting older. I will turn 40 in September and it FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT to think that I will be IN MY 40s should I manage to ever have a baby! Hey I guess if Brooke Shields can do it so can we right?