Monday, April 30, 2007

DXA Scan - More Reminders

Today was my DXA scan - to test my bone density (!!!!). Us menopause women who don't produce signficant amounts of estrogen run the risk of osteoporosis. I had to fill out a form in the waiting room where I was able to refer to myself as menopausal - oh the joy. This is the official beginning of bones going brittle and body turning to dust.

Unlike a pap smear or other x-ray like experiences, you leave your clothes on - but unsnap your bra and unzipper your pants. The machines moves up and down your spine and sounds like a game of Ms. Pac Man.

At the end the nurse (or technician) asked me if I had any questions. She isn't really allowed to answer any questions, but she is suppose to ask.

Honestly, I don't expect a negative result - I've been excercising my entire adult life, but you never know.

I could see the pictures of my bones on her computer screen but she refused to comment on how I looked - "you will get your results in 5 days...."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Seven Days

There are seven days until B* will be home. Class registration is apparently 2 people shy of full - so unless 2 people fall out of the sky he will not be teaching for the summer. The extra $dough$ would be nice, but I am not sure how much more long distance I can handle right now. Always a trade off...

Baby boy did great at Agility class last night. He scaled the A-Frame and walked across the teeter-totter with only minor trepidation. I was told that I am giving him too many treats - he needs to work harder for his rewards.

I can't help but think that the Agility training is good practice for me with human babies.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Grumpy rant

I went to yoga at lunch time but I am still in my funk. B* is starting to call me a bully again - which is code for "you are making me do something I don't want to do" (not really code I guess). He will know shortly if he is expected to spend the summer in Australia. Now, he does have a right to say no to them, but he doesn't want to - it is his career afterall.

What does this mean? 10 days at home and then back down under. And...there is the possibility that he will also be teaching over there for the fall - through November - so that works out to 11 months. If I was knocked up maybe I would care less, right now it just feels like a big burden - he is not sending me enough money and I have to do everything over here. And who knows if he really wants to have a baby - it's hard to tell when someone is so far away and puts their career above all else.

Friday, April 20, 2007


I am so tired.

1. Taking care of 4 dogs by myself
(my baby boy reinjured himself this week, had to get stitches again and is back in the cone for 2 more weeks!)

2. Waiting for B* to come back, and not knowing how long he will be staying.
(I can't get a straight answer which makes me think he will be home for 10 days and then turnaround and go back to Australia - "to make more money for us" he claims)

3. Trying to kick start work in Real Estate so I can make some extra money so I can pay off current debt and save money for DE in the fall.
(In addition to my university job I have been filing paperwork all week and will be doing my first open house this sunday)

4. The DE Coordinator ignored my last email.
(maybe she thinks I am just playing at all of this since B* is out of the country and we are on temporary hold)

I guess I just feel like ranting a little.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Jesus take the wheel? maybe not...existential philosopher test

Random amusement - here's what my online existential philosopher test reports:

You scored as Albert Camus. You are Albert Camus, so you are one sweet absurdist. He built largely upon the framework of existentialists before him, but introduced the concept that life is absurd, but that we should continue living anyway. You have strong liberal leanings, although you annoy the Communists. You are susceptible to driving fast, and possibly crashing into a tree.

Albert Camus


Friedrich Nietzsche


Martin Heidegger


Jean-Paul Sartre


Soren Kierkegaard


Not An Existentialist


>Which Existentialist Philosopher Are You?
created with

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Feminine Mistake

Leslie Bennetts has penned a new book, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? I decided to post about this today because I am feeling very grumpy about my current employment.

I don't love my job - it's boring and I am not very challenged - but it is secure and I am adequately compensated with good benefits. It is the perfect job for a having a baby. If I wasn't hoping/planning to do DE in the fall, I would be polishing up the old resume. I've decided to backburner the career and try to focus on creating family as the priority. My fantasy is not to come back to this job after cranking out a kid.

So I am wondering if I fall into the category of Feminine Mistake by down shifting professionally and holding out the fantasy of completely putting my employment on temporary pause. Bennetts defends herself in the Huffington Post. She wishes more women would read the book before going on attack. I have not read the book.

I have been self-sufficient my entire adult life, what is so wrong with full-time motherhood? Honestly, the big career is not all it is cracked up to be and I really hold no fantasy about trying to be super-human running home afterwork to my second job. I will do it out of financial necessity but I can't say that I have a burning desire to aggressively pursue career while caring for an infant.

I don't think I am missing the big picture, but then again, maybe I am.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Does the Egg Donor need to be Jewish? Israeli Egg Farming

I've been asked if I want a Jewish Egg Donor - the answer is "I don't care."

Technically, if you carry the baby the Rabbis consider it Jewish, but this really doesn't matter to me either.

The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy. That said, I do have guilt about not carrying my genes forward. Does that sound weird? I think about my great grandparents who left Eastern Europe to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families - for some odd reason (maybe odd) I feel like I am betraying them by not passing along their genetic material. I am also, ofcourse, mourning the loss of that genetic connection to a child - but that is less about the Jewish piece.

When I asked my RE about the Jewish Donor Egg agency in NYC that works with the young Israeli girls, he told me he had visited their office and that it reminded him of a "catfish farm" (he is from New Orleans ergo the catfish reference). This gruesome image was enough for me to drop the issue altogether.

Last week New York magazine ran an article entitled Israeli Egg Farming how ironic - or should I say, accurate!!!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Airbrushed? Alluring?

Another one of those photographs that seems hard to believe.

Baby Wait

Waiting to begin a process that could just as easily start with the swipe of a credit card is excruciating.

B* will be back in less than 4 weeks from Australia which is a relief. He still wants to wait until September to start the DE process which feels interminable. He says our money position will be better by then. I fear that he will never feel like we have enough money.

Life feels like a series of distractions - waiting for September to arrive. Agility dog training and building an obstacle course at home so we can practice during the week, reinstating my real estate license so I can start selling houses in addition to my full time job - all of it to fill up the big space that is suppose to be the pregnancy that has yet to materialize.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a fraud, playing at trying to have a baby but that it really is never going to happen. It is just some delusion that manages to take up significant brain capacity.

Did I mention that the last time AF showed up was last July. Some would find this a relief. To me it is the bell in the clock tower tolling loudly that I am getting older and older by the minute. And still no baby.

I guess I am feeling a little grim.

Monday, April 02, 2007

To Tell or Not to Tell

Here is an article from the NIH website on trends in disclosure of donor egg & donor sperm.