Thursday, March 01, 2007

Where is my baby?

I haven't been posting because I am starting to feel like my baby might be slipping away. Sounds dramatic. Well, remember that B* went to Australia and was not honest about how long he will be working over there. It is now sounding like 6-9 more months (ie end of Dec. 2007). So that sucks.

But here is the real kicker...he doesn't think we are ready to take the leap forward with donor egg because our finances are so f-ed up.

True, I have enormous credit debt that I need to get under control and little in short term savings. I do have retirement and home equity but have not considered touching either one. Additionally, B* has just recently gone through personal bankruptcy - so his cash situation is quite retched. I think he hopes to parlay the Australia work into big $$$ but he's not there yet.

I've discussed this with a therapist and she (and many of my good friends) don't think that B* is ever going to be ready. We've been on the verge of getting married for 5 1/2 years and that still hasn't happened (commitment issues on his part - and then the discovery that his divorce of 14 years ago was never finalized!). He is in many ways a train wreck and yet he is my train wreck if you know what I mean.

So here I am with a man who may never be ready to have a baby (he is 45 and I am 42). The therapist suggested I develop a scenario that doesn't include B* and start working towards that. It makes the donor egg plan a little odd - if there is no B* i have the option of embryo adoption or I can adopt. I've been so fixated on being pregnant which might sound ridiculous. THe therapist tried to convince me that it is really not that great and adoption is much more logical given my age and the B* situation.

I feel like a boat adrift. As far as the RE's office is concerned, I told them we were putting it off until May when B is back in the states. I asked him if September was a good alternative, and he wasn't willing to commit for certain. I've got this donor in the que and if I lose her I guess I can find another but this is just all making my head spin.

I'm home sick and I've been watching those Discovery/Learning channel shows that show the birth of a baby which is what I have always dreamed of. Am I doing this by myself? I've lost my compass...

I am still going to Australia next week and hope to get alot of this sorted out. I hope I don't have to choose to do this without him, but that is a possibility.


Carol said...

wow. SO sorry to hear that you are in this place. It sounds like you may have to face coming up with a plan b as your therapist suggested - if being a mother is most important to you, then it would be very sad to see you miss out on that because he isn't (and may never be) ready.

I'm confused about why your therapist would try to convince you that being pregnant is "really not that great and adoption is much more logical...". I think that's crap. sorry. Of course I think adoption is awesome. But if what you want is to be pregnant - then what's wrong with that?

Summer said...

Oh Jade, this is so much to sort through, no wonder you feel the way you do.

Like Carol, I'm not sure why the therapist said what she did, either. I think the things to ask yourself are:
1) How much do you want to experience a pregnancy?

2) How much do you want to experience raising a child with B?

It's extremely scary to think about going through the having and raising babies on your own, but I think if you decide in the end that is what you want, then it is possible. My SIL decided late in life that she wanted children even though there wasn't anyone in her life she wanted to have children with. She ended up using donor egg and donor sperm, was on bedrest in the hospital soon after her 50th b-day and her b/g twins are now 5 years old. It was by no means easy, but it is possible.