My heart is really breaking today. I called the Donor Coordinator and told her we are not ready to move forward with Donor Egg - B* does not think our finances are sufficiently in order to take on an additional $24,000 in debt. I also told her that I am concerned that he is having larger commitment issues with the whole thing.
So I am not in the queue for a donor. And I am fighting sooo much with B* that we barely have a relationship. He says all I do is nag and complain and he can't stand talking to me (remember he is in Australia). He also isn't sure when he is coming back. For a visit in May, but then he will be there through the summer and possibly the fall semester.
I have started looking at options without him. I am not sure I can do it, it feels really really scary. I am pretty certain at this point that I like Embryo Adoption. And it's cheaper - it's the fee for the embryos ($2500) and the cost of an FET cycle.
I told him about this option - and he asked if I was threatening to do it without him - I said I was trying to point out a cheaper option for us - the next thing I remember is that he hung up on me.
He told me today he is not looking forward to seeing me and my trip is an unnecessary expense - and this is just another example of how I don't listen to him. Not about spending money on a vacation, or that we need to pay off our debt and get on surer footing before doing donor egg.
I feel very lost right now. I thought I had this grant plan and now I'm feeling like I imagined the whole thing because he was never really on board.
I leave tomorrow for Australia....