Monday, March 05, 2007

My Heart is Breaking

My heart is really breaking today. I called the Donor Coordinator and told her we are not ready to move forward with Donor Egg - B* does not think our finances are sufficiently in order to take on an additional $24,000 in debt. I also told her that I am concerned that he is having larger commitment issues with the whole thing.

So I am not in the queue for a donor. And I am fighting sooo much with B* that we barely have a relationship. He says all I do is nag and complain and he can't stand talking to me (remember he is in Australia). He also isn't sure when he is coming back. For a visit in May, but then he will be there through the summer and possibly the fall semester.

I have started looking at options without him. I am not sure I can do it, it feels really really scary. I am pretty certain at this point that I like Embryo Adoption. And it's cheaper - it's the fee for the embryos ($2500) and the cost of an FET cycle.

I told him about this option - and he asked if I was threatening to do it without him - I said I was trying to point out a cheaper option for us - the next thing I remember is that he hung up on me.

He told me today he is not looking forward to seeing me and my trip is an unnecessary expense - and this is just another example of how I don't listen to him. Not about spending money on a vacation, or that we need to pay off our debt and get on surer footing before doing donor egg.

I feel very lost right now. I thought I had this grant plan and now I'm feeling like I imagined the whole thing because he was never really on board.

I leave tomorrow for Australia....


Carol said...

wow, I am so sorry. And so sad for you.

Maybe the embryo adoption is a good plan for you.

Sorry for the assvice - and I guess you probably already know this - but sounds like maybe you need to take a good hard look at the relationship and decide if it's right for you. I'm sure you're already doing that. I just would hate to see you miss out on being a mom because you are trying to repair a relationship that might not be right for you.

Good luck. I'm hoping for the best for you.

Rachel Inbar said...

I am so sorry you're going through all of this at the same time.

As an outsider, the things you've written sound unforgivable. I hope that you'll be able to do what's best for you in the long run.

Stacy said...

I am so sorry! Nothing like infertility to test a relationship. My husband and I almost came to divorce before our 2nd IVF. He wanted to do it. I wanted to adopt. In the end we worked it out and I am glad we did but it sure was an awful thing to go through at the time. I hope you both can make your way through this difficult time.

Calliope said...

oh fuck. so so sorry!
man, it sounds like all kinds of rugs are being pulled out from under you.
I hope you are able to find a moment of peace on your trip. Maybe a change of scene will help with plans.
& not that this will be your route- but you CAN do this on your own. I know it is not ideal at all, but just had to say it.
a single gal

Summer said...

I'm sorry you have to be going through a relationship crisis right on the verge of starting a cycle.

I know things must feel very bleak right now and it sounds like you will have some difficult times ahead. All I can say is that nothing stays the same so this heartache you feel will go away eventually and you will find a way through this. We are here for you no matter what happens and what you decide to do.

There must be a million things bouncing around in your head right now but I wanted to say that in terms of options there is also the option of doing a shared cycle. More expensive than embryo donation, but less expensive than using an egg donor and you can either keep the option of using B's sperm or use a donor sperm.

I hope your trip to Australia will give you some clarity.

broken said...

i am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. I completely understand wanting something so bad and not having your other half on board for it.
It's devastating to say the least. I hope you and DH will come to an agreement and that you will get to move forward to finding your dreams.