Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Xmas Holiday - Best wishes to all...

I was feeling bitter yesterday, less so now...maybe I feel better because it is sunny and clear and my usual aches and pains have subsided.

I always associate the holidays with family time and it makes my longing for my own family all the greater. Yesterday at the market all the carts were in use except for the ones with the baby carriers - and it struck me, here I am again, pushing a grocery cart with an empty baby carrier. I stuck my fire logs in the baby carrier so it would seem less empty as I made my way through the aisles and last minute shopping hysteria.

B* is not here, and not sure if he is going to visit from Australia at all in between semesters. He thinks we need to economize - a hard point to argue against. He is obsessed with the collapsing economy - I get a daily 6:30 a.m. flash report on the status of the US economy, why the labor department statistics are wrong, whose bailing out who, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I suspect that he is, underneath it all, afraid of the commitment to me, a future family, the mortgage....and so I wait. Foolish perhaps.

In my heart of hearts I know that I will have a baby in 2008. Either DE or ED (embryo donation) - kind of cool how the letters reverse - an appropriate symmetry. ED is an intriguing option, basically the cost of an FET and something to consider. I have not yet broached the topic of ED with B* - not sure how he will respond.

I am so proud of all my fellow blogofiles who have worked so hard in 2007 to build their families. And I have all my fingers and toes crossed for Callie during her 2ww

This is not a new year's post, but I think that we should all resolve to make 2008 the year of family creation.

I am up for a (small) promotion at work and have my fingers crossed that the financial bump up will put me in a better position to move forward.

I have now shed a total of 14 lbs courtesy of Jenny Craig and am working hard to get in shape - abdominals and all. I feel much better about my body, better than I have felt in probably 6 or 7 years - it has become much more fun getting dressed, and dressed up.

So today is a day of reflection. I am going to light a fire, organize my bills (blech), knit, take the dogs for a long walk and take deep long breathes.

(that's my GM on the right - her birthday is in 2 weeks - she will be 93!)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Babes in Blogland - I am not alone


Here I am in business attire on a recent trip to Korea.

After not blogging for nearly 2 months I figured that I had been left in the dust.





In a moment of utter anxiety and pain I posted and voila - the Babes of Blogland were at my side as if no time at all had passed since my last communique. It is a really nice feeling to know that I am not alone - it makes a huge difference.

It was a real slap upside the head to discover that the DE Coordinator, who knows my whole life story, is no longer working in my RE's office.



Upon reflection this cuts both ways - I don't have to make any excuses for why it is taking so long, I can just start fresh with a new DE coordinator and not fill in all the back story.



I do want to investigate donor embryo a bit more - it is starting to feel like a serious option.

Thanks again to all the wonderful, brave women out there who give me hope and strength.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Mail Delivery Subsystem

Dear DE coordinator at My RE's office:

- It's me Jade, the forever in-waiting mode patient. I said I would contact you towards the end of the year to discuss next steps.

Without boring you with too many details - I do not think that B* is as serious about this as I am - and financially I really can't swing donor egg on my own. So I am at a crossroads.

Option 1 - Wait until B* is back in the US (probably May) and then see if he will come around.

Option 2 -Proceed without him one way or the other.

So if I go with Option 2 - I am wondering if I should be considering embryo adoption. Here are my questions:

Does My RE's office do embryo adoption?
As a single, 43 year old female, will I be an unattractive candidate?
What are the costs involved?
What would be the next steps?

I wish my outlook for donor egg was brighter - but why do donor egg, if the sperm is not coming from your designated partner. Please email me back any info you have and let's try to connect if you are in town during the next few days. My phone: xxxx (cell)


Thanks, Jade


Reply:
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem [MAILER-DAEMON@aol.com]

To: Jade

Subject: User Unknown



very bad, very bad indeed. Even the DE coordinator has moved on with her life.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

plugging plugging plugging

I'm doing lots of hard work over here and I hope there will be a pay off.

I have now lost nearly 10 lbs (less than 1/2 lb to go to the 10 lb mark) and so the clothes are fitting better and I can actually wear a belt and not feel like I have a pooch. My goal was to lose 12 lbs but I am tempted to add 5 lbs to the goal so I have more of a cushion for baby weight gain.

I have to say this Jenny Craig diet really works - my biggest challenge is at night when I love to nosh non-stop. I've replaced all my evil snacks with carrots sticks and jello-free zero calorie.

My back is feeling a lot better which also helps - I feel more energized and able to complete tasks.

I am also ramping up the Pilates which can only help.

And, I sold a house so I get commission (which only gets applied to debt relief).

Little by little, step by step, progress....

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Silver Lining Part 3



A few updates:

3 weeks on Jenny Craig and I am now 5 pounds lighter - clothes are fitting better - 7 pounds until I reach my ultimate goal.

B* is coming home in December and it looks like he will be teaching in Pittsburgh and commuting from DC (3 hours). This is a step in the right direction, back on the same continent and under the same roof for at least part of the week.

Pilates personal training (a duet)- I am working with a personal trainer on the pilates equipment with a friend who is trying to build up her post-partum abdominal strength. It is a great workout and I know it is going to reap great benefit for my mid-section.

ta ta for now.

Friday, September 28, 2007

In search of life's silver lining...


I've been neglecting my blog but have been a loyal reader of other blogs lately.

Sooo many babies these last few weeks:
IF and the City

Thalia's Fertility Journey

Changing Expectations


It's really really great. And many newly preggers.


So ofcourse I feel like I am still living in the weigh station of life. To cope I am keeping myself insanely busy. Jenny Craig (no weight loss this week - arggghhh), dog agility training for Mr. Bozo the Dog, and now I am starting pilates personal training with my post partum friend Becky. It's all about the self -esteem in the end, looking good and feeling good.


I continue to have no idea whether B* will be back for good in December. His life is so good in Australia (professionally) why would he want to come back? I offered to move over there and he said no, he wants to come back to the US...so I wait.


I have resolved to absolutely start DE in January with or without him. I am trying to find some extra money through selling real estate on the side, but hello...have you checked the home sale market lately? It is hideous.


The bright side of life? Work is going well (my day job) and I might even get to go to Seoul on business in December. I will know in a few weeks. If it pans out, B* and I will meet up somewhere like Tokyo or the likes for an Asian adventure. Could be very exciting. Could be a silver lining of sorts....

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Have you seen Jenny?


Or maybe it should be -- have you seen Valerie (as in Bertinelli)?
I'm old enough to remember her as the younger kid sister on "One Day at a Time" and when she graced that pages of Tiger Beat Magazine. I had the same Farrah hair effect going back in the late 70's.
Anyway - after the car wreck and the back pain, I was feeling pretty decrepit and I wanted to feel more empowered.
I started physical therapy for my back, plus some nice muscle relaxants - the back is starting to improve and I am going to reintroduce Pilates into my routine. I now have the joy of wearing inserts in my shoes and have to focus more on using the inside of the foot when I walk.
I also decided to do something a little extreme, I joined Jenny Craig !!! I am one of those people who is obsessed with the last 10 pounds. I have little self control in the food category but have been lucky in the past with a relatively good metabolism and lots of exercise. As I've gotten older I can't work out like I use to and I'm still eating like I do 2 hours of aerobics every day - when I am instead nursing a back injury.

I have to say my expectations were low, but the food is good and I do feel full - and I am only eating 1200 calories which is much less than I thought I would be able to tolerate.
Tonight is the second weigh-in and I will have an update tomorrow. Losing the last 10 lbs is a good project for me while TTC is on hold. My goal for the fall is to be thin and fit - a good running start for a mid-life pregnancy (I hope).

Thursday, August 30, 2007

A run of bad luck - what else is new?

I've had a run of bad luck this last week:

I crashed my car into another car (i'm fine) resulting in major league auto repair so insurance rates are likely to go up in the near future.

I had a major electrical short in my house resulting in half the house being without power for several days until an electrician could come in and get it fixed.

My back, which has been acting funny most of the summer, is now really out of whack and I had to go to the doctor for real drugs and am waiting for a call back from the physical therapist to schedule a series of appointments.

Commons themes: things are breaking, money is going out the door

My master plan to re-engage in real estate as a side business to make extra money has turned into a bit of a bust with the current financial conditions driving everyone out of the market and into hiding.

So where is my silver lining?

Monday, August 20, 2007

Confessions of a QVC Addict....


There are days when I sit in front of the TV hypnotized by QVC. I've always been a shopper - I am the shopping mall generation (somewhere between baby boomer and X) and there is just something very comforting about shopping.

This past weekend I watched in excess of 10 hours of QVC - it was a philosophy product showcase.

And then last night, after I finished watching the season finale of my favorite show Family Jewels I flipped the channel back to QVC -- and low and behold make up guru Mally and sure enough I found myself dialing QVC at 10:57 p.m. so that I could purchase the 6 piece on the go girl kit!

ok, so no I am back to reality and no more shopping!!!!

What country are you?

Just for fun ---



You're Ireland!

Mystical and rain-soaked, you remain mysterious to many people, and this
makes you intriguing.  You also like a good night at the pub, though many are just as
worried that you will blow up the pub as drink your beverage of choice.  You're good
with words, remarkably lucky, and know and enjoy at least fifteen ways of eating a potato.
 You really don't like snakes.



Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Thursday, August 16, 2007

single moms



Some of my favorite blogs are single mom blogs -

I think it's because I feel like I am doing this all by myself in many ways. B* is inconsistent at best and if this is something that I want I will probably have to do it myself.

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and she pointed out, "what is there to fear, you are already doing it by yourself."

I think I am still holding on to the fantasy that some day someone is going to take care of me -

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Calmer



Okay, I am finally starting to calm down after the little sister craziness. Not that her train wreck is over, but I internalized a lot of it. My own feelings of instability, what if scenarios and it could happen to me stuff.

I think that if B* were here and fully present and supportive as a partner I would not feel so tenuous. But, the truth is that even when he is here he is not a pillar of support and calm. I have to find the calm myself, unless I change partners.

So I held a baby today.

My friend just had one - she went to the same RE as me, and boom first month of IUI she gets pregnant (her partner is a woman so she used donor sperm). Now, she is younger (36) but, well you all know how it feels, everyone else but not me. And I started this roller coaster well before she did. Her baby was very sweet, with a gigantic head (which in my book is a good thing) and lots of plumpness (also good). 7 weeks new.

I was impressed with how calm my friend was with the baby (she is one of my most neurotic and high strung friends) -- which means there is hope for me as a mother.

Maybe, hmmm, her calm with her little girl, made me feel more calm about everything: being a mom, limited support from B* (or none), and pulling it all off successfully.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Friday, August 03, 2007

Up in Flames

Earlier this week I received a call from my sister that she had been fired from her job in nyc - it's an admin job and not very taxing so it was a bit of shock to think she would be let go for performance related issues. So this was depressing, my 38 year old sister being fired from a job for which she is overqualified. But she is getting a severance and can always temp- but it feels like a very dead end blow.

I mention her age because she lives the life of a 22 year old, going to concerts, staying out all night partying. She even showed up at my grandmother's 90th birthday 30 minutes late (1 p.m.) in the clothes from the night before.

So I get to work this morning and she calls me in tears. There has been a fire in her apartment, the kitchen is destroyed and everything in the apartment is on the floor and soaking wet. So I asked,
"when did the fire start?"
her answer "they think around 4 am"
and I say, "where were you?"
"hanging out with friends in Williamsburg"
"when did you get back and find out about the fire?"
"7 a.m. this morning" so now I am not feeling that sympathetic, but then she continues,
"My cat died in the fire" - when I heard her say this I just lost it,
I started screaming about her ridiculous lifestyle and how things need to change.

I feel sick thinking about the cat. What a horrible thing to happen to a little innocent creature, to die alone in an apartment fire, while her "mom" was partying it up in Williamsburg.

The cause of the fire was a can of scotch guard that exploded under the sink (combustion caused by heat).

Everything in her apartment is water and smoke damaged and she has no insurance.

I called B* and broke out into sobs over the cat, which then turned to a plea for us to have a normal like - " I just can't take much more of this" I told him.

I am going home from work early today so I can go hug my dogs.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Calling the Donor Coordinator


I just called the Donor Coordinator in my RE's office. I had to tell her that I am not ready to get started. I asked her not to give up on me and not to kick me out the program. Sounds sort of desperate and pathetic....
She was understanding and supportive. Now she has to convince my donor not to give up on me and the donor egg program...my poor donor has been postponed twice now on my account and I feel bad for doing this to her.
Where we left things: I am calling the RE's office in 2 months (October 1) to confirm the calendar for a target transfer date of December 10th. If we don't do the transfer that week we will have to wait until Mid-January because the lab will be closed. I don't want to wait until mid-January - for many reasons.
I discussed the contingency of donor sperm if B* flakes on me completely. She said this is no problem.
Interesting side note: she told me that when there is male factor infertility they often mix the sperm of the husband/male partner with that of a donor's - resulting in a greater chance of fertilization. It's interesting to me because this means you really don't know who the "father" is unless you do genetic testing in these cases.
I am very excited for Lara who got some good news this week after a very long journey.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Baby Dreams

I sometimes wonder if in my subconscious I really don't want a baby. After all I am 43 and I don't have one.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my last post about going it alone. It is very hard to pull the trigger on a big decision like this. When you have a partner who is ambivalent about having a baby (or terrified) sometimes it is easier to simply do nothing, instead of deciding to move forward without them.

So where am I in all of this? Well B* is not coming home to visit in August, he will be back at the end of November for 6 weeks and then gone again for 3 more months (and hopefully this will be the end of his teaching duty in AU). But the truth is, he is far from chomping at the bit to get this baby making adventure started. I told him this could be a deal breaker for our relationship - I don't think he took me seriously.

I keep reminding myself that he needs me more than I need him.

I've decided to once again revise my timeline - with DE this is possible in a way that it would not be were I set on using my own genetic matter. I said I was going to move forward without him in August but I just don't feel ready. I've decided to give myself permission to wait until December. If he won't step up then, I simply need to let go of the fantasy of doing this with him as a partner. Even if he is supportive and ante's up, the truth is that he may never be a true partner in this endeavor.

So my new project is to work towards fiscal and emotional readiness to start this journey, alone if necessary in late fall/early winter.

Many of my blog world friends are having the babies now, that were mere glimmers when I first joined blogland. It is hard to drag this out as long as I have, but I need to be clear and I am not quite there.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Trying Not to Think...

I am trying not to think right now. I texted B* to say "I am done. I am sick of being lead on, I want a child. Leave me alone."

And now there is radio silence. I usually speak to him twice a day and we email, remember he is in Australia. So nothing now since Wednesday morning when I received his ridiculous email that said nothing about DE, and was instead a rant about how I manipulate him and he will come home to visit in August only if it makes sense for his schedule.

I sometimes wonder why I bother.

So far comments comments are leaning towards embryo adoption. Which is my inclination as well. But what about Sheryl Crow, she seems so cool, moving on after Lance and Cancer and adopting. Of course she has tons of $$$$. I also strangely think I would be more in control going the donor embryo route but who knows....

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Paper Moon - Choices


What is real and what isn't?

I have been warned by several people in my life to judge B* on his actions, not his words. He has a very powerful unconcious. He doesn't always live up to his promises.

Last february we agreed to postpone the DE cycle until September for financial reasons. So here we are on the verge of August and I am starting to get the impression that he is looking for more reasons for us not to get started.

This is very depressing, naturally. The truth is that he may never be ready.

So now I am facing the reality of the going it alone route and what that would look like. Here are my options (blogger input on options requested):

1. go forward with already identified donor and obtain donor sperm ($25,000+)
2. go the embryo adoption route - using some one else embies on ice ($5,000)
3. known donor - find someone who I know who donate eggs & use donor sperm ($17,000)
4. go the adoption route ($15,000-$40,000)
5. wait for B* to come around and then do DE with him

Thursday, July 05, 2007

What is there to say?

No big reports from Lies My Mother Told Me except to say that it is looking like B* will be in Australia through November. He has promised me he will come home for a visit in August.

This raises the stakes in a huge way on the DE front. It means that for the 1 week that he is in the states I will have to drag him down to the RE's office and get him to sign all of the paperwork, write a big check and go and do his business in the room with the magazines. From past experience, I know that these type of scenarios result in meltdown and retreat. But I have been waiting to move on DE now for 9 months!!!! an entire pregnancy - and I have watched two cycles of baby birds go from the egg stage to full birth and feathers on my window sill.

My greatest fear is that he is just stringing me along with no intent to ever move forward. If this is the case, drastic measures may be warranted. I really really don't want to be forced into this position, and I refuse to let my mind go there, but 30 days from now I may be forced to. But for now, there is nothing to say.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll....


Sex -
Well not much sex to speak of...particularly with your partner on the opposite side of the globe. He says he misses me very much, he even talked to a DC-Based consulting firm about a position. I told him not to do it because he has never been happy doing that kind of work. Stick with the University gig and try to work it out for a stateside job - even commuting to the University (which is not based in Dc) would be preferable to the current situation.

So B* is suppose to return in August - is it a visit or extended stay remains to be determined. He knows that I am expecting us to move forward with the DE IVF in September. He mentions parenting occasionally but I worry that he is still not 100% in - not much I can do about this with him.

I told him I am anxious about his return in August, he said he is doing the work of two people right now so that we can all be together (the all includes the dogs of course).

Drugs -
I finally called my psychiatrist last week and told her that Zoloft was just not doing it for me - she prescribed a tricyclic - an oldy but a goody - for me to take before I go to bed to help with sleep and anxiety. So far it is doing the trick, although I must admit feeling a little fuzzy on days 1 & 2 of the new med.

Rock and Roll --
My 38 year old sister went to a 3 day concert (she flew to Tennessee from NYC) - - slept in a tent, showered in a truck and used a port-o-john for three days. I think this might be my definition of hell. Hanging out with a bunch of 20-somethings who are drugged out, sweaty and dirty in the hideous 90 degree plus heat. I told her that for all the money she spent to go to the concert (probably $500) she should have splurged on a hotel room. Her comment, "I would have missed stuff, and everyone was in a tent." - 80,000 people attended. I don't get it.

Friday, June 15, 2007

menopause quiz

Here is a quiz - I don't completely agree with all of the answers. Sort of skewed towards phytoestrogens - which not everyone sees as a panacea for the symptoms. I scored 70 out of 100 - which makes me knowledgeable but I did also learn a few things.

Menopause quiz

I had another big fight with B* - a collection agency called looking for him - and he accused me of taking pleasure in bringing him bad news and having a generally negative aura. I do have a negative aura - and it stinks - I called my psychiatrist yesterday and asked that we tweak my meds - they are not working properly.

Hopefully a sunnier update soon.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

There is no me without you....


This article creeped me out. Those of you who have gone through DE or are contemplating, I would be interested in your thoughts.

There is no me without you from Elle Magazine.

criss-crossing the globe - ISO IVF Vacation

Apparently there is now a website ivfvacation operated by a couple based in Ohio who help women travel to the Czech republic to do IVF and DE IVF.

IVF - a 21 day visit to the Czech Republic
$6,938 (includes airfare for two people)

DEIVF - 10 day trip to the Czech Republic
$8,483 (two people)

Ok - yes, much cheaper but is it worth it? This feels too important to take these types of risks if it can be avoided.

The information is included in a longer article U.S. women crossing globe for fertility help posted today on MSNBC website.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The dogs

Today was my big day with the dog behaviorist. She was at my house for 4 1/2 hours - She is a DVM and she has a second degree in Behavior (I can't recall the acronym). Besides being expensive it was exhausting. No quick fixes for the boy dogs who fight and exhibit fear aggression.

She has suggested some medical tests for the aggressor, she thinks he might have some medical issues that are making him more irritable. For anxiety she has suggested putting both boys on Sam-E which you can buy at Whole Foods, etc. I also was show some training tricks to get their attention refocused on me and off of each other.

After she left I took a nap - I was completely exhausted. And this is just he beginning of the process with them. Much more work to be done, vet visit, practicing training tricks, and then meds and phone consults - I can't even think about how much effort this will require on top of everything else I am juggling.

deep sigh.....

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I'm back from SFO

I was in San Francisco this week for a training, and flew back yesterday. Training was good in parts, and not so good in other parts.

Call me psycho but...I was at the training with a colleague who blew off most of the conference - he treated it as his vacation in San Fran - which annoyed me. If the university is going to pay $2000 to send someone for professional development - you don't just blow it off. And he dressed like a bum. I chastised him about his attire and he called me the fashion police and told me to mind my own business. My irritation with him I guess is a break from worrying about all my other sh*t.

San Francisco is a beautiful city and it reminded me a lot of Sydney, AU. It was a good break from my regular routine but I felt terrible leaving the dogs. They seem to have survived.

While I was in SF I visited a good friend of mine who moved out there 7 years ago and now has a wonderful life and lifestyle, big condo in pacific heights and a weekend beach house. I told her my whole menopause saga - she got it and really empathized for me. The kicker is that she is 52 and can't believe that she hasn't even started menopause.

She talked about the qualitative difference of life in your 50s - things start to feel more finite and you need to decide what things you really want to do and do them before it's too late. She was very supportive of the baby thing. She and her girlfriend considered it but she said when it came down to it, they decided they would rather have a beach house (she knows this sounds awful but it is the truth).

On Monday I am taking the day off from work so that I can meet with the dog behaviorist. She is making a house call to assess the dynamic between the two boy dogs and why they fight and hurt each other (well there is really only one aggressor but they both have a role). I had to fill out nearly 30 pages of forms and send her all of their medical records. It should be interesting. I know it is going to be expensive - but it is less than the $1000 in medical bills for baby boy's eye injury (or future potential injuries).

The prednisone roller coaster is finally over. I was on a very high dose which my therapist said was probably the reason it was doing such a number on me. I was convinced mid-week that I am in a crisis - personal and professional, but things seem to have evened out considerably.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Psychiatrist and more.....an update



Yes the Prednisone is throwing me into anxious depressive mood (according to the psychiatrist)- so I need to call her in 2 weeks after my head has cleared. In the meantime use Klonopin as needed.

B* called to tell me he misses me and the little dogs. He also wanted to report that he is picking up some extra $$ doing executive training in a few weeks so that is happy news in our financial crunch days.

Real estate is going to take a while before it delivers on the promise of any real $$$ so I will just have to hang in there I guess.

I am totally into the Sopranos wind down although these episodes are really hard to watch - depressing, dark, Tony's spiral into hell.

anxious


I am free flowing anxiety today.


It could be the prednisone I am taking for my poison ivy.


Or the fact that therapy group insisted that I look at the "what if" scenario of B* not following through on DE - and me having to do it alone and be sacked with tons of debt.


Or that I am still having reverb from coming off the effexor (now on zoloft). Getting off has felt worse than what got me taking it in the first place!!!!


I am seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon so maybe she will have some insight.

Here is the update after meeting with the Psychiatrist:

Yes the Prednisone is throwing me into anxious depressive mood (according to the psychiatrist)- so I need to call her in 2 weeks after my head has cleared. In the meantime use Klonopin as needed.

B* called to tell me he misses me and the little dogs. He also wanted to report that he is picking up some extra $$ doing executive training in a few weeks so that is happy news in our financial crunch days.

Real estate is going to take a while before it delivers on the promise of any real $$$ so I will just have to hang in there I guess.

I am total into the Sopranos wind down although these episodes are really hard to watch - depressing, dark, Tony's spiral into hell.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Another Birthday

I've just commemorated another birthday - since 40 it just all feels like it's just about getting old. Fighting the aging process. I never thought I would become so vain about these things.

So now I am 43, quite old to be contemplating pregnancy (including the potential for multiples). I use to think I was in great shape but now with the onset of menopause I am questioning my confidence in my physical resiliency.

This is the year of big change, mark my words....

Thursday, May 24, 2007

report on baby boy







Baby Boy did wonderfully at agility last night but unfortunately he is not ready to progress to the next level and we will need 8 more weeks of intro to refine his skills.

I was very proud of him - he did wonderfully on all of the equipment, but he still cannot master the sit-stay function.







Monday, May 21, 2007

Taking action....

From: jade
Sent: Monday, May 21, 2007 1:53 PM
To: Donor Coordinator - S*
Subject: Jade calendar ....


S*-
I wanted to drop you a line to confirm the calendar - we discussed starting meds in August and doing the procedure in September. I think we should plan to stick with this calendar.

We can start meds (lupron I guess) the week of August 20th - and if B* decides to flake I am inclined to move forward without him at this point which means his absence would not affect the calendar.

There is a possibility that he will have to go back to Australia in September, ,if that is the case and he is amenable, I will have him leave behind his contribution.
Does this sound like a workable plan?

Nothing is every easy!!!

- J*


Response from DE Coordinator:

Hi J*,

That works for me! It sounds like B* is definitely keeping your head spinning about this whole thing. Hopefully he'll simmer down soon and be a team player! Men...

Talk to you soon!

Sincerely,

S*

A sense of humor is essential



Sometimes a sense of humor is essential. How else can we bare all that we have to go through? Case in point Egg donors are people too...

And also check out this site eujenics for additional irreverent thoughts.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

What is going on ...Life is hard?

This is an update post.

B* was here for 10 days and then went back to Australia to teach for the next 12 weeks. He can't say one way or the other if he will have the fall semester off - he loves his work but hates being away. Not a great combination - makes it tough on all involved.

I spoke with the DE coordinator and told her that our plan is to start up in August. At least I think this is "our" plan. If it's just my plan then so be it. B* is suppose to be back mid-August - either for the fall or for a visit. My thought is that this is when we start the donor cycle and sync everything up for a September transfer. If B* has to go back in the fall then I will ask him to make a deposit before departing.

My greatest fear is that he will wimp out and find an excuse not to come home in August and then I am on my own. He has insisted that we not finance this, we pay cash and that by the end of the summer we should (he should) be able to come up with the money to make the payment. I've mentioned that I've picked up the real estate again to try and make some extra cash this summer towards this goal. So far no clients but it takes time to get rolling.

I worry about B* and all of this flux and ambivalence. I am turning 43 in a few weeks and I may be a good shape but I am not superhuman. I've laid off my cleaning service to save some cash and announced to my therapy group that I am leaving (I've been there for nearly 14 years). The combined savings of these two actions is $600/month. Of Course my therapist is concerned that B* will flake and that I wont move forward but once again extend the deadline. She thinks now is not a good time to leave therapy. It never is a good time to leave.

Life feels hard.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Self Non-Medication

I am not insane and not as unstable as I've been feeling lately. At least according to this article Self Non-Medicationby Bruce Stutz in Sunday's New York Times.

It makes me realize how powerful the pharmaceutical industry really is. Take this pill, feel better, and plan to never go off of your medication. It is a bit of scam.

So here I am having transitioned off of Effexor onto Zoloft and still feeling quite anxious. Is this me or the drugs talking? or the lack of drugs talking?

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Osteopenia

Today I learned something new. I have Osteopenia. This is what you get before you get osteoporosis. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been exercising like a fiend my entire adult life - so this is a surprise. I'm suppose to mega dose on the calcium and Vitamin D. It really stinks because it is related to menopause and low estrogen.

My mother has osteoporosis but she eats like crap and is super underweight.

I am afraid of shrinking. My grandma, who was once about 5'3" is now maybe 4'10" -granted, she is 92, but I really don't want to shrink. I like being tall - 5'7" 1/2 last time I checked - but maybe it has already started and I am shorter than I think. Arggghhh.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

are you a republican?

I am:
33%
Republican.
"You're probably one of those chicken-littles who thinks maybe we should worry a little bit, occasionally, about the fate of the planet that our lives all depend on."

Are You A Republican?


33% is a bad score for someone who worked for Massachusetts Dems during the first part of her career.

Monday, April 30, 2007

DXA Scan - More Reminders



Today was my DXA scan - to test my bone density (!!!!). Us menopause women who don't produce signficant amounts of estrogen run the risk of osteoporosis. I had to fill out a form in the waiting room where I was able to refer to myself as menopausal - oh the joy. This is the official beginning of bones going brittle and body turning to dust.

Unlike a pap smear or other x-ray like experiences, you leave your clothes on - but unsnap your bra and unzipper your pants. The machines moves up and down your spine and sounds like a game of Ms. Pac Man.

At the end the nurse (or technician) asked me if I had any questions. She isn't really allowed to answer any questions, but she is suppose to ask.

Honestly, I don't expect a negative result - I've been excercising my entire adult life, but you never know.

I could see the pictures of my bones on her computer screen but she refused to comment on how I looked - "you will get your results in 5 days...."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Seven Days



There are seven days until B* will be home. Class registration is apparently 2 people shy of full - so unless 2 people fall out of the sky he will not be teaching for the summer. The extra $dough$ would be nice, but I am not sure how much more long distance I can handle right now. Always a trade off...

Baby boy did great at Agility class last night. He scaled the A-Frame and walked across the teeter-totter with only minor trepidation. I was told that I am giving him too many treats - he needs to work harder for his rewards.

I can't help but think that the Agility training is good practice for me with human babies.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Grumpy rant

I went to yoga at lunch time but I am still in my funk. B* is starting to call me a bully again - which is code for "you are making me do something I don't want to do" (not really code I guess). He will know shortly if he is expected to spend the summer in Australia. Now, he does have a right to say no to them, but he doesn't want to - it is his career afterall.

What does this mean? 10 days at home and then back down under. And...there is the possibility that he will also be teaching over there for the fall - through November - so that works out to 11 months. If I was knocked up maybe I would care less, right now it just feels like a big burden - he is not sending me enough money and I have to do everything over here. And who knows if he really wants to have a baby - it's hard to tell when someone is so far away and puts their career above all else.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Tired...

I am so tired.

1. Taking care of 4 dogs by myself
(my baby boy reinjured himself this week, had to get stitches again and is back in the cone for 2 more weeks!)


2. Waiting for B* to come back, and not knowing how long he will be staying.
(I can't get a straight answer which makes me think he will be home for 10 days and then turnaround and go back to Australia - "to make more money for us" he claims)

3. Trying to kick start work in Real Estate so I can make some extra money so I can pay off current debt and save money for DE in the fall.
(In addition to my university job I have been filing paperwork all week and will be doing my first open house this sunday)

4. The DE Coordinator ignored my last email.
(maybe she thinks I am just playing at all of this since B* is out of the country and we are on temporary hold)


I guess I just feel like ranting a little.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Jesus take the wheel? maybe not...existential philosopher test

Random amusement - here's what my online existential philosopher test reports:

You scored as Albert Camus. You are Albert Camus, so you are one sweet absurdist. He built largely upon the framework of existentialists before him, but introduced the concept that life is absurd, but that we should continue living anyway. You have strong liberal leanings, although you annoy the Communists. You are susceptible to driving fast, and possibly crashing into a tree.

Albert Camus

68%

Friedrich Nietzsche

64%

Martin Heidegger

64%

Jean-Paul Sartre

50%

Soren Kierkegaard

46%

Not An Existentialist

39%

>Which Existentialist Philosopher Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
<

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Feminine Mistake

Leslie Bennetts has penned a new book, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? I decided to post about this today because I am feeling very grumpy about my current employment.

I don't love my job - it's boring and I am not very challenged - but it is secure and I am adequately compensated with good benefits. It is the perfect job for a having a baby. If I wasn't hoping/planning to do DE in the fall, I would be polishing up the old resume. I've decided to backburner the career and try to focus on creating family as the priority. My fantasy is not to come back to this job after cranking out a kid.

So I am wondering if I fall into the category of Feminine Mistake by down shifting professionally and holding out the fantasy of completely putting my employment on temporary pause. Bennetts defends herself in the Huffington Post. She wishes more women would read the book before going on attack. I have not read the book.

I have been self-sufficient my entire adult life, what is so wrong with full-time motherhood? Honestly, the big career is not all it is cracked up to be and I really hold no fantasy about trying to be super-human running home afterwork to my second job. I will do it out of financial necessity but I can't say that I have a burning desire to aggressively pursue career while caring for an infant.

I don't think I am missing the big picture, but then again, maybe I am.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Does the Egg Donor need to be Jewish? Israeli Egg Farming


I've been asked if I want a Jewish Egg Donor - the answer is "I don't care."

Technically, if you carry the baby the Rabbis consider it Jewish, but this really doesn't matter to me either.

The only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy. That said, I do have guilt about not carrying my genes forward. Does that sound weird? I think about my great grandparents who left Eastern Europe to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families - for some odd reason (maybe odd) I feel like I am betraying them by not passing along their genetic material. I am also, ofcourse, mourning the loss of that genetic connection to a child - but that is less about the Jewish piece.

When I asked my RE about the Jewish Donor Egg agency in NYC that works with the young Israeli girls, he told me he had visited their office and that it reminded him of a "catfish farm" (he is from New Orleans ergo the catfish reference). This gruesome image was enough for me to drop the issue altogether.

Last week New York magazine ran an article entitled Israeli Egg Farming how ironic - or should I say, accurate!!!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Airbrushed? Alluring?


Another one of those photographs that seems hard to believe.

Baby Wait

Waiting to begin a process that could just as easily start with the swipe of a credit card is excruciating.

B* will be back in less than 4 weeks from Australia which is a relief. He still wants to wait until September to start the DE process which feels interminable. He says our money position will be better by then. I fear that he will never feel like we have enough money.

Life feels like a series of distractions - waiting for September to arrive. Agility dog training and building an obstacle course at home so we can practice during the week, reinstating my real estate license so I can start selling houses in addition to my full time job - all of it to fill up the big space that is suppose to be the pregnancy that has yet to materialize.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a fraud, playing at trying to have a baby but that it really is never going to happen. It is just some delusion that manages to take up significant brain capacity.

Did I mention that the last time AF showed up was last July. Some would find this a relief. To me it is the bell in the clock tower tolling loudly that I am getting older and older by the minute. And still no baby.

I guess I am feeling a little grim.

Monday, April 02, 2007

To Tell or Not to Tell

Here is an article from the NIH website on trends in disclosure of donor egg & donor sperm.

Friday, March 30, 2007

My baby boy & other updates

My baby boy Bozo had a run in this week with another one of my dogs resulting in stitches to his lower eyelid and the indignity of this cone for the next 10 days.

On a brighter note, Bozo (despite his infirmity) passed the test to be admitted into the Dog Agility Training program. His half brother is national champion so it is in the DNA.

I'm working on my realtor's license and plan to start showing houses some time next month ($$$). B* is back on May 7th and I am hoping we can come up with a DE game plan then. I am going to get him in to see the DE counselor so we can talk through any "issues" he might have. We don't have to do this, but I am going to tell him that it was strongly recommended.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Peggy Orenstein Responds

The Drowned Girl joined me in posting comments to Peggy Orenstein on the Josh Kornbluth Show Blogand Peggy responded!!! This is the power of the Internet at Work!!!

Peggy Orenstein | March 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Hi, I’d just like to comment back to the two women above. You’re absolutely right that I got the miracle happy ending in terms of getting pregnant and having a baby. And honestly? I agree that the reason you see that “happy” ending and not the others is that publishers don’t think the other ones sell. That’s the bald truth. And, of course, in my case it wasn’t the story.

I felt I had a great story that was larger than the tale of the infertility itself, a really gripping yarn about a woman’s life. I also was concerned that I had the miracle ending and that wasn’t fair to a lot of women. So I worked very hard in the book to make sure that the baby wasn’t the exclamation point happy ending and that’s it, on we go. I felt that if that were the case, I would have failed.

That’s why I wrote the epilogue the way I did. I wanted to be clear that, despite having the “miracle” ending, there was a huge cost to my marriage, my life, and my finances in the process, and that there were some real questions about the infertility industry. What’s more, I don’t think I at all ducked the question of what would happen “without the miracle” as Drwoned Girl suggests. That’s the whole purpose of mulling what might’ve happend if the deus ex machina of the baby hadn’t dropped into our lvies (deus ex machina is the artificial or improbable device dropped into a literary work to create a happy endiing). I do pick at that thread, though obviously can’t draw conclusions, can’t know what would’ve happened. That’s also why I wrote the section in which Steven tells me not to get “revisionist,” that the baby does not justify the means by which we got there.

I think if there is a cautionary element to my tale (and by the way, Jade I would never have described myself as “too career focused”) it is that I forgot the things that could sustain me in crisis, the things that would be there whether or not I became a mother, the things, in fact, that feminism has given us: teh opportunity for meaningful work, the possibility of a parntership of equals, the potential to define ourselves fully and richly without being mothers. I lost sight of that. It sounds to me, Jade, that you have not and I admire you for that.

I also wanted at the end to have the opportunity to say a thing or two about fallacies about New Age and religious platitudes (God only gives you what you can stand; everything happens for a reason) and idiotic statements like, “if you adopt you’ll get pregnant.”

In those ways, I hoped the book would continue to reflect some of the experience and have relevance for those whose “ending” was different than mine: those who conceived via third party reproduction, via IVF or other technology, those who adopted, or those who decided to go on as a couple and forgo further attempts to have children.

In the end, though, this is my story and I wrote it as I experienced it and as it happened. It’s unclear to me, Drowned Girl, why you object to the inclusion of the botched donor cycle. Because you’re starting a cycle and don’t want to read about one that didn’t work out? That’s not really fair to me. I would’ve been thrilled to have had a baby via Jess’ egg, was fully prepared for THAT to be our happy ending/beginning, as I was fully prepared to become an adoptive parent if that had worked as well. But we had some very bad luck. That failed cycle, I’d wager to say, was harder for me to live through than it was for anyone to read. I sincerely hope your cycle works for you and it is certainly doubtful that you would have the same thing happen that we did!

You might be interested to know that my relationship with Jess has continued and deepend significantly over time–she is a true part of our family.

Happy to answer any other questions.

Friday, March 23, 2007

O Peggy

Ok - my comment has now posted on the Josh Kornbluth blog.

A Little Pregnantmentions the book on her site today and early this week Beaten not bowed had some thoughtful comments.

The New York Times thought it was great. And don't get me wrong, good work of literature and I am sure that Peggy Orenstein is delightful and interesting over cocktails, but we just don't all get her happy ending and that is the painful pill.

Girl Chat...

I had a great meet-up with my Australian blogger pals while I was away. We met for brunch and everyone brought their significant other. Ofcourse only one of the three men actually knew about our blogs so we had to be somewhat careful in not letting that cat out of the bag.

It felt like the post-apocalyptic version of Sex and the City. We are all in our early 40's in the "important" relationship - the complete otherside of the planet from NYC where the show takes place and now all having to stare down infertility and create our own families.

I was so impressed with both Susie and Sparkle. They are strong women who have already been through so much on their journeys to motherhood. Their determination and focus was truly inspiring and I hope that I can follow in their foot steps.

Sparkle is pregnant through DE and Susie reported at brunch that she has found not one but two donors and is syncing cycles in order to get started.

It was interesting to chat about the Australian laws v. US approach to DE. You cannot compensate the donor in Australia and 9 out of 10 times the recipient has to go out and find her own donor. In the US donor egg has become a huge business and it was hard for Sparkle's husband to understand how donating eggs is an altruistic act if you are being paid $6500. The standards are different in the states, people expect to be paid, but they still believe that they are giving someone the gift of a child - and they are.

Personally, I think the fact that it is a business transaction makes it all a little cleaner and simpler. This doesn't take into account how the prospective child might feel about it 18 years from now but I can only take one step at a time.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Waiting for Daisy... Peggy Orenstein, You Got Lucky.

I read Waiting For Daisy on my flight back from Australia. Sue from A Few Good Eggs recommended it as the story of a woman who experiences infertility and chooses ultimately to pursue donor egg. Well, Sue must not have finished the book because - that is not how the story ends. Now, before I give away the ending let me say, yes it is a good book for infertiles - an easy read and a way of commiserating with another articulate, professionally successful woman who chose to put off pregnancy until her late thirties and then had to deal with the consequences.

Now to the ending and how it all turns out....

The donor egg cycle is a failure. She goes on to get pregnant on her own and has a happily ever after tale after slogging through the throws of infertility. I should be happy for Peggy Orenstein who ends up successfully passing her DNA on to the next generation, but instead I felt resentful. Perhaps my resentment was exacerbated by the fact that I thought this was a book about a woman who has a baby using Donor Egg. My reader expectations were calibrated incorrectly from the get-go.

Yes, so in the end, her eggs work out fine and it was the crappy sperm all along. Wouldn't that be nice if that turned out to be the case and yet, for me, it is a fantasy.

And (insult to injury) she actively resisted having children when she was already married, concerned that it would get in the way of her successful career, now even more successful with the publishing of this latest book. Many of us have to choose to slow down our careers to deal with infertility (like me) - to make what has often been the area of highest satisfaction and gratification and secondary priority - pursuing the dream of motherhood in the hope that it will be the panacea we've always dreamed it would be.

Peggy Orenstein, I hope you know how good you have it.

UPDATE:
Peggy Orenstein is doing a big media tour for the book. I came across a blog for the Josh Kornbluth Show on KQED that invited comments - so I left some!!!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Australia - images

I am already starting to have an anxiety stomach ache thinking about going back to work tomorrow. So here are some nice memories from my trip.




Saturday, March 17, 2007

I Like Ike -

Just back from a fabulous and exhausting trip to Australia. I will post pictures later, I still need to upack and find my camera!!!
"Ike"

As for B* - things are in a much better place. Although he is enamored of Australia he is also quite homesick which explains some of his crazy behavior (it's not intuitive but what man is?). He will be home in May (for the whole summer more than likely) and may have to return for one more semester in the fall. I made him promise that we would do the donor egg before he leaves for the fall semester - and he said "yes, yes, yes, ofcourse." He even picked out a name for our future child - a boy's name ofcourse - my favorite South Park character. Ike.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Greetings from Sydney

I've landed and B* should be arriving in the next 30 minutes - very very very anxious about dealing with him right now given that he is the source of so much for me right now. But hey, I am on the other side of the planet and this is a pretty exciting place to be so I am going to try and not let our big life problems get in the way of enjoying myself (we'll see).

In the $$$ category of issues I have decided to reactivate my real estate license and do a little moonlighting on the side. I've talked to a realtor friend of mine and she is totally pumped to have me work for her showing houses to potential buyers and if I make the sale I get part of the comission. If I sell three houses that $12,000 right there. She has more business than she can possibly handle and is grateful for the assistance.

This way I am not dependent on B* for the mortgage, and I can start saving for my own fertility fund (with or without him). GIRLPOWER plain and simple. I am actually quite excited about making the extra dough and I like looking at other people's houses.

While in Sydney I am hoping to hook up with IF and the City and
The Journey both of whom are pursuing motherhood - one now successfully with donor egg. We are hoping to meet for brunch in Manly on Sunday. Very Cool!

More later, ciao from down under.

Monday, March 05, 2007

My Heart is Breaking

My heart is really breaking today. I called the Donor Coordinator and told her we are not ready to move forward with Donor Egg - B* does not think our finances are sufficiently in order to take on an additional $24,000 in debt. I also told her that I am concerned that he is having larger commitment issues with the whole thing.

So I am not in the queue for a donor. And I am fighting sooo much with B* that we barely have a relationship. He says all I do is nag and complain and he can't stand talking to me (remember he is in Australia). He also isn't sure when he is coming back. For a visit in May, but then he will be there through the summer and possibly the fall semester.

I have started looking at options without him. I am not sure I can do it, it feels really really scary. I am pretty certain at this point that I like Embryo Adoption. And it's cheaper - it's the fee for the embryos ($2500) and the cost of an FET cycle.

I told him about this option - and he asked if I was threatening to do it without him - I said I was trying to point out a cheaper option for us - the next thing I remember is that he hung up on me.

He told me today he is not looking forward to seeing me and my trip is an unnecessary expense - and this is just another example of how I don't listen to him. Not about spending money on a vacation, or that we need to pay off our debt and get on surer footing before doing donor egg.

I feel very lost right now. I thought I had this grant plan and now I'm feeling like I imagined the whole thing because he was never really on board.

I leave tomorrow for Australia....

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Where is my baby?


I haven't been posting because I am starting to feel like my baby might be slipping away. Sounds dramatic. Well, remember that B* went to Australia and was not honest about how long he will be working over there. It is now sounding like 6-9 more months (ie end of Dec. 2007). So that sucks.

But here is the real kicker...he doesn't think we are ready to take the leap forward with donor egg because our finances are so f-ed up.

True, I have enormous credit debt that I need to get under control and little in short term savings. I do have retirement and home equity but have not considered touching either one. Additionally, B* has just recently gone through personal bankruptcy - so his cash situation is quite retched. I think he hopes to parlay the Australia work into big $$$ but he's not there yet.

I've discussed this with a therapist and she (and many of my good friends) don't think that B* is ever going to be ready. We've been on the verge of getting married for 5 1/2 years and that still hasn't happened (commitment issues on his part - and then the discovery that his divorce of 14 years ago was never finalized!). He is in many ways a train wreck and yet he is my train wreck if you know what I mean.

So here I am with a man who may never be ready to have a baby (he is 45 and I am 42). The therapist suggested I develop a scenario that doesn't include B* and start working towards that. It makes the donor egg plan a little odd - if there is no B* i have the option of embryo adoption or I can adopt. I've been so fixated on being pregnant which might sound ridiculous. THe therapist tried to convince me that it is really not that great and adoption is much more logical given my age and the B* situation.

I feel like a boat adrift. As far as the RE's office is concerned, I told them we were putting it off until May when B is back in the states. I asked him if September was a good alternative, and he wasn't willing to commit for certain. I've got this donor in the que and if I lose her I guess I can find another but this is just all making my head spin.

I'm home sick and I've been watching those Discovery/Learning channel shows that show the birth of a baby which is what I have always dreamed of. Am I doing this by myself? I've lost my compass...

I am still going to Australia next week and hope to get alot of this sorted out. I hope I don't have to choose to do this without him, but that is a possibility.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Vacation to Australia - A Needed Distraction


My vacation to Australia is just a little more than a week away and I am starting to get quite excited. I will be in Sydney from March 8-11 and Adelaide March 12-16. Restaurant and shopping recommendations are greatly appreciated! I am also hoping to get together for a drink with some of my IF/DE blogger pals.

We are staying at the Four Points Sheraton in Darling Harbour (tourist central) and plan to explore all of the neccesary attractions: the Rocks, Aquarium, Opera House, Manly Beach, Watson's Bay. All recommendations are welcome. In Adelaide I will probably do a nearby winery tour and I think we are planning an overnight at Kangaroo Island which looks fabulous (see picture above).

No word back yet from the donor on moving the date but I am going to assume that this works for her (pray that it works I should say).

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Optimism

Thanks for all the kind notes on my last entry re: Feeling Left Behind. One Note: not all my favorite bloggers are pregnant - but there has been a fertile patch lately for a number of you. And perhaps the rest of us just have to hang on a little bit longer.

I spoke with the Donor coordinator and she is going to speak with the donor and see if the one month delay is okay. She did suggest shipping the sperm over from Australia if all else fails - I am hoping it doesn't come to this.

Here is the optimism - ie the title of the post:
My clinic's stats for 2006:

pregnancy rate with anonymous donor egg is 100%
pregnancy rate into second tri-mester with anonymous donor egg is 82%

55% singleton
41% twins
5% triplets

I point out anonymous donor above because directed donor success rates are lower (makes sense).

But these are good stats if I can just get B* to give me his sperm in a timely fashion. I joked with the donor coordinator today that if I have to give up on B*'s sperm, I'm definetly going for taller.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Feeling Left Behind

All my favorite bloggers are preggers and I am feeling left behind. Happy for them and quite jealous at the same time.

This is made worse by the fact that B* will not be back from Australia until the beginning of May. This is new, he has known for quite a while but I just figured it out and got him to fess up. He had lead me to believe that his gig would be over in late March. I am more than a little upset -

1. because he lied (he said to avoid the drama - well guess what, this makes it worse!)
2. because I have to wait that much longer to get started and May is my b-day (43~) and I really really wanted to be pregnant before my f-ing birthday
3. because this could be an issue for the donor we have in the que

I have emailed the donor coordinator to make sure this timing issue doesn't screw things up. I also indicated we would do what was necessary to make it work. I know B* would pitch more than a fit if he had to do a 2 day trip to the states for this purpose but he is such sh*t for lying to me.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Do Pregnant Women Really Look Like This?

If I looked like this not pregnant I would be happy. I don't know why, but I am obsessed with these idealized pregnancy images.

I think my problem is that I've spent too much time at the
Twins belly gallery scaring myself half to death.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Money = An Infertile's Nightmare

I've been stressing about money. I am worried about how in debt I already am and how much more debt I am preparing to take on in the next 30 days.

People have kids every day that they really can't afford but they make it work because it's just money.

I can't even imagine making the decision not to have children because I can't afford it. My finances are a complete high wire act -

Here comes the full disclosure:
I own my House (the mortgage company owns 80%) which I can barely afford. B* had to file personal bankruptcy earlier this year as a result of a long protracted child support battle that drove him into a deep deep hole. Our finances are completely separate and we are not married (partially) because of money. He is desperately working to pull himself out of the hole - the bankruptcy is an effort to wipe the slate clean - as odd as that sounds.

I already have credit card debt (about 1/3rd related to infertility) and now the DE/IVF procedure will be paid for by home equity line. And..I am going on vacation to see B* in Australia.

B* is there for 3 months to make money so we can afford our life. I am justifying the Australia trip as my last free-wheeling vacation for a very very long time.

We've discussed moving to a less expensive city -- DC is just a big boulder of expense on top of both of us.

The insanity of all of this is that we both make six figures and once upon a time that was good money, but now it barely pays the bills.

Am I crazy? how do others manage?

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Sarah Silverman


This is just for fun.
The Sarah Silverman Program is a new show on Comedy Central. It premiers on 2/1 at 10:30 est. For a preview click >here!

If you saw the film Jesus is Magic you know what I am talking about.