Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Sitting at My Desk and Not Working

A big confession: I am sitting at my desk and not working. This has been the case for almost two weeks. I am completely uninspired at work. I have work to do I just don't want to do it. I don't think anyone is noticing that I am not working. I feel very guilty about not working. But I just don' t feel like it.

I think part of the lethargy comes from feeling like I have really f**d up my so-called career. I've plateaued and I am not sure I can move up from where I am - not because I don't have the talent, but because I am too edgey and I can rub people the wrong way. I lack sufficient workplace impulse control when it comes to what I am thinking. ooops!

I have been shown the door on several occassions in the last 20 years. Luckily I am good at getting new jobs and have been able to piece together good references. The issue is not my talent, my work product or my smarts - it is my workplace persona. This is so painful for me. I have tried to change, but I am not sure if I can change enough.

I tried doing the "god damnit, I will work for myself" thing, but it can be such an emotional rollercoaster when you are trying to pitch clients and don't know where your next dollar is going to come from. I always end up taking another job.

Don't get me wrong, I have a very very good job that pays quite decently. I am trying to make peace with all of this. And right now, with all the other crap, I don't really need to be ruling the world or even aspiring to rule the world, but I still have pangs of inadequacy. Unfufilled potential? Does that sound really obnoxious?

Will having a baby shake me out of this? Or just send me into a new vat of angst?

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