Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Unvarnished Truth

Today was the big appointment with the RE. He is the go-to guy when faced with infertility problems. Everyone I know has gone to him and gotten pregnant - except me (so far).

B* came with me which was good, because when I told him that I didn't have many good eggs left a few months ago he asked me "where did they go?" - the Doc provided an excellent primer on the lifecycle of the follicle from in utero to where we are today.

Best case, I probably have 1,000 pre-follicles left, how many are good? how many are receptive to FSH stimulation - science doesn't know. Accord to the Doc, with a high FSH (40 plus) the (my) ovaries are already getting as much stimulation as they would with the expensive drugs. he said that we could top it off with some Follistim but it probably wont make a difference.

"Menopausal babies do happen." Odds at this point less than 5% . At one point I even heard him use the figure "2% chance" when describing me.

He drew lots of pictures and pulled out some photos of fertilized egg division when chromosomes go bad.

So what next, we had the big DE discussion. They recruit based on the individuals interests/preferences and the turnaround time from the moment we say yes is 3-6 months. He has an 80% rate of success - if not with the first cycle with a follow-up FET cycle. "Much better than 2%" - ah that's where it came in. And no one ever has to know (more on this point later).

We went down stairs and got briefed on the forms, the social worker contact info, and the price sheet. $24,000. It could have been worse. I was prepared for $30,000 -so there was a bit of relief in the figure.

The cost for me is a wash - adoption would be the same and childless is not an option. So it is what it is.

B* is going to teach abroad in early 2007 for a few months (tax free) and he will be making close to the amount that will cover these costs. He was cute afterwards, he said that if he has to go teach in Iraq next summer to make some extra dough he will do it. He'll just make sure to wear a helmet.

I think the fact that B* can raise the cash makes him feel important in the process. And when he found out his extremely high sperm count - you would have thought he had won the gold at the Olmpics.

I have a lot to process. Feelings of failure, disappointment. Part of me feels like I have ancient sexual organs, all shriveled up and worthless. I always find myself comparing my age and youthfulness to the other women in the waiting room. I always win.

I have always been the young looking one, the ingenue, the healthy and physically industructable one. And now, the gumball machine appears to be just about empty.....

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