Monday, October 30, 2006

RE Office Visit - the Psycho Drama of it All

I went for blood work this morning - to see if FSH is down and estrogen is rising. Results at 2:30 p.m. - they are very good that way. You call a number at a designated time and 8 times out of 10 they have the results and next steps. No long waits.

The RE waiting room is such a tense place. Sitting, reading Ladies Home Journal and trying not to make eye contact with anyone, just waiting for the next name to be called and the nurse to escort you to the back for whatever poking is on the menu.

Are the women (and men) in the waiting room feeling shame? I know that the first appointment felt that way for me. "I am a failure - yes, can you tell that I am reproductively challenged" would run through my head. In the last 7 months I have been there on the average of 2-3 times a month - I've become somewhat desensitized to any twinge of shame I might of had at first.

Now I 'm in my jealous phase. I look at these other women, many many of whom look older than me (some probably aren't) and I think how unfare this is. I wonder if they are doing DEm have they been told to forget about IVF like I was at my first consult? what do they have that I don't have? Are they already pregnant? how long is it taking them? I am certainely in better shape than they are.

My last wanding was the worst. After 3 weeks of estrogen and bloodwork that revealed an e2 of 267 I was asked to come back for a sonogram to see if there were some follies cooking. The sonogram was awful - the nurse couldn't even find my right ovary. It was as if it had disappeared completely into the menopausal twighlight zone and she finally gave up even trying to find it. I felt demoralized.

Waiting to pay my bill, I stood behind a lesbian couple who were staring at their 6week sonogram with excitement and glee. I thought I was going to lose it right then. I waited until I was in the hallway. The horror.

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