SAY IT AINT SO....

Have I abandoned my blog, my dreams, my wishes.
Definitely not.
I still read my bloglines daily and am fully up-to-date on everyone else's live's.

When all I keep doing is postponing life's plans how can that possibly be inspiring materials for a blogsite? and of course attacks from anonymous posters who try to help point out the obvious when it is not their lives....

So where am I? B* is back from downunder. He has been back since December and so after 2 years of uber long distance there is a readjustment. We are through the readjustment and now into the regular relationship mish-mash.

We are in a recession/depression and B* came back with no locked down form of income. He has spent the last 4 months lining things up which should come to fruition soon - although until you can fold it and put it in your back pocket you don't have it. His new gig will require some back and forth travel but also net lots of money.

He is scheduled to travel the end of April.

I have told him that when he comes back in May from his first big outing that is when I want to begin my baby pursuits. No time will ever be the right time, for him or for me - I know this intellectually and yet it is still hard to pull the trigger.

I have a credit line of $30k that I have access to at a very low interest rate so DE is possible, but my fantasy is to not have to crawl deeper into debt like everyone else and their brother.

So beyond my money fear, is the energy fear. I will be forty five next month (forty fucking five!) and I no longer have the superhuman strength of a 30 year old. Can an infant be raised by a full time 45 year working woman? Will I still have time to do my hair and makeup every morning before shooting off to the office? will i be in a perpetual coma of exhaustion incapable of coherent thoughts or speech?

Am I still waiting?

baby shark has no father

LOVE IT!


DNA test proves it -- baby shark has no father

Crazy or Not....

Crazy or not, B* arrives tomorrow for a two week visit.  The "Plan" (and there have been many) is that he will be back permanently by the end of the year.

My game plan: 

1. Gauge reaction to an early 2009 DE cycle.  

2. Get $10k raise by end of 2008 (must, must, must happen!) - my review is tomorrow and this is where I plan to plant the seed.  Increases will be known by November and take place in January - Universities are slow, by my lovely private institution is slightly recession proof (so yeah!)

3. Begin clinic inquiries 

Where will DE cycle happen? 

TBD

With him: Local uber expensive clinic

Without him: some place cheaper

In other news: I have been swimming 2-3 times a week and am feeling quite fit, moreso that probably the last 5 years (plus).  I am also down another 5 lbs which brings the grant weight loss total to 20lbs - and am now at my same weight from 10 years ago and fitting into size 4 (on the bottom) which feels like a major league accomplishment.  

Onward and upward!!!!!

Anonymous - Side Swipe Part 2 - Signed, "Harsh and Awful"

For the record I have never said that I disagree with Anonymous, but her tactics leave some thing to be desired.  Would love to get her "story...."

I will let her speak for herself:

 anonymous said...

C'mon Jade, WTF does my identity matter, really? We're both anonymous in this vast blogosphere. And how will that change the truths I've written one iota? 

As for this comment you made in your last post: "That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant. Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about?"

Yes, that was what your last post was about. But Jade, that's what ALL of your posts have been about. The only thing that changes is time - it's the September 2008 post vs. pick-whatever-post-in-2006-or-2007. Go look - same post today as any month last year or the year before that! You're lamenting over B* and this sad excuse for a relationship when, instead, you should be FURIOUS WITH YOURSELF that you're on the same subject 2 years later and the needle hasn't moved even a millimeter!

You have allowed B* to make your life into the movie Groundhog Day. But you're not just trashing years from your life, you're trashing the ONLY remaining years you have to start a family and make your life what YOU want. That's pretty critical stuff - FAR too important to hand over to some loser who's too cowardly to own his truth.

I'm harsh - yeah, I get that, really. Sadly, I get that's the perception. But what's more troubling than my "harshness" is how we women sabotage one another under the guise of "friendship" and "kindness." We are so used to supporting our girlfriends that we end up enabling them in destructive ways through decades of "understanding." Then we tell our other girlfriends how "she's in so much denial, wasting her life away." Is that TRULY a friend? I say no. The TRUE friend says "yes, leave that jerk and stop wasting your life 'cause time is almost up – your fertility isn't going to be there in 5 years." But most women reading that comment would call that friend a harsh jerk and prefer the girlfriend who said "Oh, I understand – it's hard; give him a chance, he'll come around, he loves you." The "good" friend is the one who helps you feed into the beast of denial and waste more precious years. The "bad" friend tells it honestly. What pathetic irony!

Ultimately, it is YOU who said you've spent "so much time" in "life's waiting room." Haven't you had enough? Isn't it time for YOU to do for YOU? And don't go run and threaten B* that you're moving forward without him – it hasn't worked yet, and you've ended up looking weak and foolish. Just zip your mouth, dust yourself off and MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN RE ASAP and get going. Just go do for YOU!

Signed, Harsh and Awful.

PS: No need to worry, no more "hit and run" comments from me. From now on you'll get only dozens of "hang in there, we support you" words of encouragement and you'll be happy. Again, I just hope you're on a donor egg cycle this Christmas, however YOU have to make it happen for YOU!

7:04 PM

 

Anonymous - hit and run

Being a free speech person, I realize I am putting myself out in the universe for everyone's  perusal.  I could screen or limit the comments but how interesting would that be? It is not surprising that in the blogosphere there are going to be those who want to speak their mind without owning their thoughts - which is crazy when you think about it.  My name isn't really Jade - but I am Jaded, and happy to own my online identity.  

Why do I raise this you may wonder? well my last post garnered one of those lovely anonymous responses - someone airing their views and blasting me out for being in denial about B* and his true intentions.  That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant.  Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about? 

The post was searing, and I read it last night on my blackberry as I was driving to a party and I ended up taking a wrong turn and making an extremely  illegal U-turn.  

Anyway, as harsh as it was, it did serve as a kick in the butt and for that I am grateful.  I just think that it would have felt less punishing had the person actually revealed their own identity. But so it goes....

Despite rumors of my demise ...I am still here

I can't believe that I haven't posted since June. I guess I think of this as my fertility blog, and when I am not in active motion, there is nothing to report, update or ponder.

I am not in active motion, I am at a dead stand still. B* is not back from Down Under, although he is now suggesting that he will be back for good by the end of 2008.

Given the economy, his paranoia about expenditures is very high and this may seem like an obvious statement for those of you who have been playing along on this blog, but I think that best case he is ambivalent.

So what about me, when I ponder this course of pursuing DE by myself I become terrified, others do it but Christ every day I am one day older and I feel it! my financials are a little better but still in the crapper, etcetera, etcetera.

But then I think what is life all about? Maybe I should be hunting for a different man and worrying about the baby later (since the fertility clock kicked the can 2 years ago). But I worry that I will be too old to keep up with a munchkin if I postpone much longer.

Then I started thinking that if I do this on my own, I could pursue embryo adoption which would cost a lot less.

Everyone is falling pregnant in infertile blog world, and my eyes are like laser beams on pregnant bellies all day long at work, the gym, shopping, everywhere a pregnant belly!

I am a sea of confusion and would welcome any illumination, if any one out there is still listening....

My Back ....what a pain.. Ankylosing Spondylitis (say what?)

So for the last year I have been dealing with back pain, which totally sucks and makes me worried that in addition to menopause, I am really not physically up to carrying another person around for 9 months or an infant, or a toddler. I often think I am on that slippery slope to crippleville.

When I was 29 - oh so many many moons ago, I developed some very bad back issues and at first attributed it to the fact that I did high impact aerobics 6 days a week (remember the early 90s?). But after seeing three doctors it was determined that I might have this genetic pre-disposition to this specific kind of arthritis, but the x-rays were inconclusive. They gave me the right drugs, I got better, and I was back in step aerobics a few weeks later.

So smooth sailing (for the most part) until last year - at first I thought it was from gardening, or maybe yoga class but 12 months later and desperate I went to the rheumatoligist. I had the MRI where you sit in the big giant tube for 30 minutes of deafening clicks and vibration and low and behold yes, the dreaded genetically transmitted arthritis - and now there is evidence in my sacrum joints (not too much damage thank goodness) but it was there on the MRI.

What does this mean, it is all about inflammation management and exercise to maintain flexibility. The worst case is that my vertebrae fuse and my spine becomes rigid. But they have lots of special drugs now to prevent this from happening - including these new biologics called TNF - but I'm not there yet.

The rheumatologist suggested that I do some reading on the Internet about AnkylosingSpondylitis and so I did. And I am glad I did. Because buried near the end of the piece I printed out was a section on pregnancy. It said, "Do not deny yourself pregnancy" - or at least that's how I remember it. And so I will not.